The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When the alcoholic in my life was drinking openly and frequently it was easy for me to accept that he was an alcoholic and easy for me to come to Alanon and feel like I needed to be here. I felt like I was making progress, accepting things and trying to better myself.
Now that I am back with the A in my life and he seems to be ok without a program he has me questioning everything. My denial seems to be right back up there. I started thinking back to all the things he said to explain why he wasn't an alcoholic and wonder if he wasn't. He has sucked me right back in.
I have been realising over time though (and feeling absolutely stupid when I do) that he is now either hiding his drinking, going for longer period of not drinking between his binges and using pot as an alternative to not drinking.
I am just locked in this inaction and when I catch him out I just say nothing and do nothing because I am just not sure how to react. I don't want to react like I used to but the fact that he has resorted to hiding it all from me and then says see I am doing well I haven't been drinking and so I don't need a program. etc. etc. To which I say nothing also. I just don't know how to proceed. I know how I would love to proceed but I don't really want to do that. I feel so conflicted I just want to scream. I feel paralyzed.
Sounds a lot like my story. AH still drinks, but has cut his consumption in half mainly b/c he is white knuckling a 2 year prescription drug addiction. In my situation, his drinking has improved. I, too, question the level of addiction....maybe I was overreacting? maybe he did have it under control? As much as my AH would like to believe he is the exception, he is not. He has yet to claim he has had any addiction, so why should I think he has one? :) He is on his best behavior while things are touch and go between us. I still see the behaviors - thinking hours and hours ahead about his drinking, planning his weekends which involve drinking, and the lack of coping skills. What's going to happen when he goes through a lawsuit? gets hurt at work? loses someone? History tells me we will be back to page one. Perhaps you know the same thing. What has helped me is to read up on addiction and recovery and to really understand what is involved. White knuckling it and being "forced" into recovery (due to the threat of divorce) and having no addiction counseling are not the keys to a lifetime of sobriety. It requires a change of lifestyle, not just curbing drinking habits. Denial is a nice place to be. I lived there for 14 years, always hoping that things will get better. They would for a while and then they would get worse. The drug addiction was what really woke me up. I was really put through the ringer this year. I started to notice the effects on my 6 year old. It's nice to have hope. It's nice to believe that we will live happily ever never feeling second to a substance. You know as well as I do that any indication of future behavior is past behavior. I am still married to AH, but something that has helped me was to give it 6 months before making any decisions. All the patterns will re-emerge if that is your fear. Keep posting here and attending meetings. Focus on you and just focus on today.
There is no short answer to give, however there are many wise people here and now that you have found this wonderful family you will find that the Al-anon principles and traditions will be so helpful, as will reading the posts on this board.
You are not alone in how you are feeling and reacting, many have walked the same paths.
It is good that you have found us.
None of us could advise you what you should do, the decisions have to be your own, however when I am locked into inaction I have learned that it is because I do not know what my options are and that being the case I have to get help to find out what my options might be.
This family have offered an amazing insight in to the options that are available in many cases since I found them and, because I know there are far more eloquent persons here with years of experience in working their programmes I leave it to them to share more.
Just wanted you to know that I hear you, know you are in the right place, will find help, support, love and knowledge here and many will respond to your post.
Oh and well done, you have taken the first step in recovery by sharing, and you have made a great start. I admire your honesty in recognising your own denial.
So glad you have found MIP. Hearbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
The only person who can determine if you want/need a program or not is YOU. Its totally and completely none of his business. You have been affected by someone else's drinking. This is why you go to al-anon. I am affected by my great grandfathers drinking and he has been dead for 150 years...I bet you AH is not the only A in your history/life. You are part of the family disease which is why you need a program, and you say that your program was helpful to you so why stop attending? Its none of his business what program you are in or why you are in it. If he is so snakey about whatever it is he is doing, you could be, too. GO TO YOUR MEETINGS, tell him you are having coffee with friends. Go to meetings, its your lifeline regardless if he is drinking, smoking or not.
I undertand your story so well. The a in my life mainly just had trouble socially. He'd have a beer or two on week nights and drink on the weekends, but rarely got drunk unless in a social situation. About two yrs ago, it started really progressing and then by last year at this time he was drunk every night, passed out at the office and not coming home until the wee hours of the morning. The social stuff bugged me and I was in turmoil about him not coming home, but still I never would have labeled alcoholism. Can't even begin to tell you of my shock and surprise when I suddenly discovered he'd been doing opiates for 10+ yrs too, and that he was not only an alcoholic but adrug addict too! And all that time I thought he was just a jerk. Denial at its finest!
We planned an intervention and he went to rehab. He came home and stopped working a program almost immediately. In no way, shape or form did he want to be defined or associated with being an alcoholic. He said it was easy, all a matter of choice. I knew he had to still be drinking/using even though he denied it and there were no outward physical signs. He was so covert in his use, and continued to deny it even when evidence was presented before him. We were incredibly fortunate that after 8 mos we were able to "force" him into recovery through a diversion program (essentially a private company comes in rusn the recovery), using his professional license as the carrot.
Even with the evidence and the fact that he voluntarily entered the diversion program (to prove us wrong), I questioned myself. He was so manipulative and convincing. Did he really have a problem? He made me think I was crazy! Now, 2 months into recovery he is admitting he had a problem. He said he just wanted to have a single beer, but that it triggered the drug use again and he can now see how if could have spiraled out of control.
Thus, I completely understand the confusion you feel and the inablility to figure out how to proceed. Actually, what it took to convince me my ah was in denial and still using/drinking was the responses of two friends, one a recovering alcoholic and one a recovering vicodin addict. When I presented the situation to them, they had no doubt. They knew all the tricks, manipulation, tactics, etc. It was a no-brainer for them. You are not crazy.
You are right to want to behave differently than before, but you need to trust yourself. I can only encourage you to go to face 2 face meetings and read lots of literature to learn how to do different. It is a process, but one worthy of going through.
Welcome. Keep reading and posting. This is a good place to be.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Thank- you all so much for replying. I got something out of each of your replies. It is nice to know that there are people out there who understand what I am going through.
optimustundone I find it hard to see what the behaviours and patterns are. I don't know what's his addiction and what's him and his normal actions and patterns. I have only ever known him to be an active A.
Heartbroken I think your right. I don't really know what my options are and I am scared of how my A will respond. I don't want to belittle his efforts because he does think he is trying but it obviously isn't working. I don't want to do the wrong thing have him go back to square one.
Maria lol Thanks for making me laugh.
Jean. There is a family history. I only know as far back as my Grandma but she was an A and my mum is a drug addict and my aunty who raised me was obviusly an adult child. I am coming to online meetings. I can come online to a meeting while he is at work. F2f is hard because they only have two and they are at night and my A would kill me if I said I wanted to go to a meeting. I am not a good liar...especially to the A in my life. He knows me to well.
Lou. It's funny that you say that it took talking to a recovering alcoholic and a recovering vicodin addict to get you to see he was still using/drinking becasue I have a friend in AA who has been sober for 30 yrs who says he has no doubt as well. In fact he makes me laugh every time I speak to him with his stories and his understanding. My problem is I wonder if perhaps this time he is telling the truth and I don' believe him.........
In term of patterns....as my AH has been an addict for most of our relationship as well.....addicts have a lot of triggers i.e. friends, situations, events. If he was recovering he would likely seek to avoid those who might have given him drugs in the past or encouraged his drinking. My AH used to hide drugs in the car, that's how I knew he was using - he used to have to put his carton of cigarettes in the car as an excuse to make frequent visits....Certain thought patterns...i.e. thinking ahead about his next drink and planning accordingly. A recent example....when we went to my parents at thanksgiving, we stopped at a liquor store at 12 in the afternoon, b/c he was anticipating that the stores would be closed by the time we left. Non-addicts don't think this way. He has a friend whom he can't stand, but when he was using drugs he made several visits to his house. This was the same guy who provided him drugs in college. There are behaviors that have probably become some normal that you haven't stopped to think about, but addicts have very clear behavioral patterns and thought processes. constantly anticipating. Right now, my AH is just staying on the edge. In terms of how it has affected me, the only time he exerts much energy is when he is driving across town to go drinking with friends. This leads to him "sleeping late" and doing even less for the family the next day. He is working his tail off, bathing the kids, etc. but as he left to go drinking tonight I expect nothing from him tomorrow. That's the pattern. Rather than seethe and wait for him to grace us with his presence (my old response).... the kids and I will find something fun to do and not wait around for him to join us. Do I want to stay married like this, situation unchanged , my daughters growing up not expecting anything from their husbands but a paycheck, absolutely NOT! I gave him six month. I am using the time to fix me. a) so I can be strong enough to leave if that's what I need to do b) learn from mistakes so I don't find myself in the exact same situation with someone else and c) to rebuild my own self esteem and recover from the depression that resulted from the stresses of this year. It's hard to see any situation clearly when suffering from depression. Hang in there. This is a great community.
You sound w i d e awake and fully aware of what has happened and what you are going thru now. Are you clear about what you have to do as a result.
Here's the picture I see. I see Kate walking up to her alcoholic, giving him a sweet honest smile, giving him a smart ole slap on the back (around the shoulders so he won't get the wrong idea...protocol is important here) and firmly say to him, "Good job Hon...here's your hook back...I didn't like the bait. By the way I won't be home for dinner I'm hanging at a meeting tonight." You can get to the front door without running because the hook, line and sinker will be in his limpy hands.
My sponsor helped me thru my denial with this little to the point, short and sweet, keep it simple metaphor. You might even know it yourself cause it's been around longer than the 28+ years I have been hanging around the rooms. Ready? "If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck? Chances are...it's a duck!" QUACK!! Keep coming back home.
One more thought here... I remember one of the very first posts I read when I came to this board. It was from someone asking how they could know if thier ah was telling the truth regarding sobriety. The answer, though simple, was so profound to me. It was, watch what they do, don't listen to what they say.
Now that my ah is truly working a program, the clarity in that statement is amazing. Even though it is still very early in recovery for him, he is admitting it is the sickness of his spirit that is/was his downfall and maybe, just maybe, he isn't "different" than the other alcoholics.
Now, how do I know he isn't just giving me lip service? Of course I can't be sure, but the anger and resentments that were a part of him for so long are fading. I sometimes see peace in his face. He is making every effort to be present for his kids. He laughs. He rests. He doesn't fly off into a total rage about nothing and everything. The poor me/victim/martyr mentality that was such a part of him is not so much anymore. He is admitting he is less than perfect.
Someone in al-anon once said that she started replacing the question of "what if?" with "so what?" In reading the last sentence of your last post, I wonder if you can do the same thing. So what if he is telling the truth? You can still benefit from going to al-anon meetings.
I'm with Jerry. QUACK!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Optimistundone...I see all of those things in him. When my dad visited recently he didn't come home for hrs after he said he'd be home in 5 minutes and then when I was due to take my dad back to his hotel he suddenly and very urgently had to go and buy cat food before we left...he gave me a kiss when he came home and I could taste and smell the alcohol so I casually said you must of had a fair bit at work and he said he'd just had a drink when he went for the cat food. This is just one of many, many examples. We used to go shopping for groceries together but since I came back he always wants to go by himself and waits till bubs is asleep to say he's going to do it and if I say wait and we'll go together when bubs is awake he says he'd rather get it out of the way. He also brings home gifts and things when he has been drinking so I am less likely to get upset with him. Yesterday it was choc. milk and after he went to the supermarket he brought home a sweet little card. These things would be lovely if he wasn't doing them because of his drinking.
I did leave my A and go to the other side of the country to be with family and I told him to get his act together. That is why he has become more sneaky about everything. He went to three conselling sessions and then he said he was cured. The funny thing is I knew in my heart he was still drinking but I thought if for once he is telling the truth and I don't give him the benefit of the doubt I don't think I would forgive myself for my sons sake.
Jerry...Thanks for your message...it was exactly what I needed to hear. I will assert myself and go to a f2f meeting. Quack is the perfect quote!!!
Lou...that is so simple but so right. I have been watching both but choosing to listen to him and ignore what he is doing. Thanks
I feel really bad reading my reply back now. How ungreatful I am. Today I will try to feel greatful for the little things he does like getting me the card. I will try to think of it like. His disease may have taken over and he may have been drinking but at least he still thought of me. It does show his love for me but disease is stronger than that love but the love is there. I feel better already...a different perspective is all it takes.
