The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We had Christmas Eve party with A's family- that is my child & I. The A showed late & with a girl with her boobs out- awful for me to say. He said he got child a gift & would be by to give it to him. He didn't show or call. We hugged at the party & I felt some of my old feeligs. However, I must accept that he would rather be with other people for Christmas. What of this is choice & what is disease? I release all of this & my hurt to my HP.....
Yeah, I have to admit that too- he would rather be with others at holiday time than with me. But I am beginning to look at it as a massive positive for ME. I am beginning to think that I would rather be with others (not him) at holiday time also : )!!! I love my sister a lot and we have a blast together so I think I will do that from now on! I will go spend holidays with my sister and her family. Or some other friends who are always asking me to come visit and stay. I am terrific house guest.
I really do not care what he decides to do- whatever makes him happy. Honestly!
I can go and do fun things and make fun plans elsewhere. I like to be where its easy going and where people are glad to see me and like me for who I am. Where I get to be myself and appreciated for that.
He can go and spend time with whomever he wants (he always has a terrible time) and that way I do not need to deal with Mister Grump.
You both are making choices and are both affected by the disease of alcoholism which makes making sane responsible choice at times difficult to impossible. Being emotionally upset by the presence of another persons choice will cause dis-ease. Turning it over to HP and not taking it personally is good choosing.
It is my understanding that we are all born with free-will, that is the ability to make choices, and from where I am standing I would consider that whether one has a disease or not, unless the disease is such that it has destroyed that part of the brain that one uses to make choices, (which according to my uncle - a senior doctor of medicine - is the case in severe mental health problems), the scenario that you have described is all about choices. HIS choices.
However, his choices may not be made in as clear a way as someone not affected by alcohol might make. His choices therefore could be affected by his disease; a catch 22 situation is probably in operation here.
Never-the-less it still appears to boil down to HIS choices.
The question is what choices are you going to make given the diseased environment you are in at this time?
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I too think that the choices that matter are the ones we make. The A in the grip of this disease is just not going to make sane choices until he hits his bottom and really gets serious about a recovery program. I do beleive they must be held accountable for their choices, but by us, only in the context of how they affect us. (ex- I will not alow active addiction in my household. I choose a safe haven for me and the kids.) It comes down to our choices about how we choose to live and our boundaries. Hope I'm making some kind of sense.
If it makes you feel any better, of course he would rather be with some other nasty person who feeds his addiction, rather that you who stands up for yourself and your childs happiness. I know, it doesn't really help much.
Hope you have a better day tommarrow. Remember this too shall pass. Keep coming back here. We do understand.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I think that the disease needs to be fed and that takes on a life of it's own. So they go to the other side. For my AHsober I ask how can you not spend as much time with your sons before they leave? Really what is the pull to go be with those other people except that they feed the disease. Thanks for reminding me to turn this pain over to my HP.
I love Jean's take on this - "Wait a minute, I don't really want to be with HIM, either..."
When the alcoholic is with us, we tend to be thinking "Oh, I wish he WAS doing this, or WASN'T doing that...." and when they are gone, we are thinking, "Oh, why doesn't he want to be with me, I wish he was here...." As long as the focus is on them rather than ourselves, it's a no-win situation.
I'm sorry he did that to you. The disease, to me, is the physical aspect (the chemical inbalance in the brain, etc). It will explain the behavior, but not justify it. The disease lowers inhibitions. It will make him think only of his needs, to heck with everybody else. It will not allow him to make better choices until he gets sober. That's why they call it cunning, baffling and powerful. That's why people can relapse after 30 years sobriety and not come back from it. If he's never had any sober time than he doesn't know what the "correct" choices are.
The fact is that you are making choices based on the disease and hence his behavior. You have to do what is best for you and your family. When my A relapses (he calls himself a chronic relapser) I don't count on anything. He's had enough sober time to know what to do when he thinks about drinking. He knows he needs his program. But that's his choice. I can't work his recovery for him. That's the behavior part of this disease. I know it hurts. But keep the focus on you and your child. You will recover from this, even if he doesn't. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am so sorry you had to feel this stuff now again. It is my experience that A's go to another sick person becuz the disease can run rampant. No one to wish they would stop using, no one to look for bottles etc. No one to feel guilty about doing what they are doing.
Once we start getting some knowledge about the disease, the disease does not like it. Takes away its power.
Usually they find someone with a job, a place to live, a car. Then the disease can just get him/her sicker and sicker.
They sure aren't going to go be with someone who would expect anything from them. Nine out of ten really want to be with their true loved ones,but they are too sick, are getting to feel too guilty to do that.
so horrible. I KNOW my AH or the one inside that body who is dead, loved or loves me. No question. But no way can he face me even for a minute. How embarrassing it must be. He knows he is a dirty, gross, lowlife worth nothing drunk right now. He knows he has given in and allowed the disease to completely take over.
Sooner or later they are wet brained and know nothing but the disease.
so sad,such a waste. hugs honey, big hugs, love,debilyn
