The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Part of me knows the answer to the question, "Do I belong here?", but part of me wonders. My step-dad is a recovering alcoholic with 26 years sobriety. But that sobriety didn't begin until I had lived in the home with him for 7 years - which was ALL of my teenage years. It wasn't an abusive household in any way - but there was chaos at times. And A LOT of denial going on in the household. And a lot of "putting on a good face for outsiders". A lot of "stuffing feelings". Etc..... Everyone here knows what I'm talking about. During that time, I met and fall in love with my first love (who was ultimately the love of my life) and who later became a full blown alcoholic himself. After being on again, off again with him through the years, we are now "off". I'm left with all of this emotion. All of this utter sadness and emptiness. I KNOW that right now a lot of this has to do with the (damn) holidays - and oh how I'm hoping that it will get better after the first of the year - but I'm dreading it because I'm so afraid it won't. I miss my A like crazy right now. I had been doing SO WELL in the past three weeks since his slip and ultimately him telling me that he couldn't be in a relationship right now because his head needs to be in the program. Which I truly and really do understand. Then I get a Christmas card from him a few days ago. Nothing much to it actually. Card was sweet - it said something about me being a "terrific person". Then he signed it, "Love ya" - which he doesn't do with people who are just friends. Now I'm feeling weak. I've come to realize that I have a co-dependence thing going on apparently. I love him and want him as part of my life. Sick as it all is, I guess. Here's where I wonder if I belong here........he's NOT part of my life, and I feel very self-absorbed talking about my troubles "post him" - when others here are dealing with ongoing issues with their A's. I almost feel "guilty" that I don't have active alcoholic issues to bring to the table. I just have post-alcoholic issues. I realize that having spent my formative years under the roof with an active alcoholic, and then years in a relationship with another alcoholic, that I've got a ton of my own issues. HP has been bringing those issues to my attention. Am I still okay coming here to sort this out? I've got a lot of work to do on me.
R3, it seems to me that you belong here because you are in the "dance" of Aism. We do not need to be "with" anyone to be affected by some elses drinking- heck, I did not even have any active drinking in my home when growing up but all the behavior was there- believe me! My mom just acts like an alcoholic- she acts drunk, acts hung-over, acts out in all the typical ways. I am wired into Aism because of what I grew up with. I have got A's all around me, family, friends and my AH.
I also think you belong here if you feel comfortable being here.
No ones problems are any worse or better than anyone elses. We are all dealing with problems and the more heads the better in helping out.
You have posted things that I was real glad to read. I am grateful that you are here. Please keep coming back. J.
Well, if you don't deal with those issues, you might find yourself five years down the road going through this all over again (not rare here, believe me). So, it's time to stop thinking about the recovery of all of those alcoholics, and start thinking about your own.
Well ma dear if you don't belong here, neither do I. Sadly our lifes seem to have been a lot the same.My AH is my first and only real in love.
I am 54 now and met him at 17. Still feel the same, however I "know" he is dead. So I will never allow him back into my life. A brain tumor surgery after years of sobriety robbed him off his recovery, and his "self."
In my life? Last night I dreamed we kissed. I woke up feeling thankful yet of course now I want to see him to see if there is anything left of him.
will I? At this point,I don't know. I will be putting on my rain overalls and duck boots and heading out to feed and do more straw bedding. If that wears me out, then the longing inside me will calm down.
I will have to wear this huge brace on my leg and pray I don't fall as my cell phone is screwed up....
Hon the pain you must feel from whatever nightmares you went thru I am sure is there,or you have scars.
You can be here to vent about circumstances and events,or share how you got thru certain things.Tell us how you are now.
You can tell us how you met and anything else that you want to.
I am sure you have posts and posts inside you that would love to come out to help ya heal and also help others. Well it is pouring down rain here on Rattlesnake Mountain, and I have mouths to feed.
Thank you to all - and to those who PM'd me on this. Yes, I do realize that I belong here. There's just so much running through my head right now with all of this. And as LONG as I've been in this program, can you believe there's still a tiny little part of me saying, "well if he would just move back here and stop drinking, then we could live happily ever after!"?!?!?! Oh yes......I know I belong here. And Debilyn, you hit the nail on the head when you said that I probably have posts and posts inside of me.......most definitely. I've got BOOKS inside of me!!! lol This board has been SO welcoming to me and such a source of immeasurable strength and comfort. I have endless gratitude for you all.
