Hi (((CoDe))))

What I saw in your post was the first "A" of our Al-Anon 3 A's.  Those are Awareness, Acceptance, and Action.  So hey, you are becoming aware!  This is great!  Without that first A of Awareness, we wouldn't know what we need to look at as to whether we can Accept something or not, and we certainly wouldn't know what Action to take either.  Keep on keeping on... self-awareness is a wonderful journey. 

Much love to you,
Kis

Welcome again to the Board and I hope to Al-Anon. I am sorry that you were struggling Friday night, but know that what you are feeling is normal and that many of us have been there too!!

I guess that, technically, I wasn't alone the entire night on Friday.  For at least part of the night, I was at my home group Al-Anon meeting and then 5 of us went to Starbucks for our "meeting after the meeting" and I didn't get home til later.

When I first came into Al-Anon, I was so desperate and lost.  So many questions after 6 years of living for someone else who, in the end, acted as though he could throw me away without a second thought.  My mind was like a "squirrel on crack" and the obsessive thinking would not stop:  how did I get here?? why do I need him so much when he doesn't seem to need or want me?? how do I get my life back?? what is a life? how do I live it with him? doesn't he love me? why not? how could I have let him treat me that way? UGH....the questions were endless.

I was, however, able to identify the most important question-at that time-which was:  How do I live through the weekend without him??  I learned that it was important for me to "bookend" my weekends. For a long time, I went to a meeting on Friday and Monday nights and it really helped me and how I approached that time. The weekends were just as terrible for me as they were when I was with the A because of all the unstructured time. He may have used the time to drink non-stop and create as much chaos and pain as he could, but I used that time to let my mind run rampant and create as much chaos and pain as it could in my head and heart.

I am glad that you are here and I hope that you can get to a F2F meeting.  I think that you will find the love, understanding and support that you need right now from women (and sometimes men) who already know you because they have lived it too!!

Hello Co , it's okay to love an alcoholic .  And your right that is exactly what we do .forget about our selves to save someone who dosent want to be saved .
Lonely is a common feeling when involved with an A  they just cannot be who we need them to be .  Learn to treat yourself the way u treat him and your going to be just fine .  Louise

Your post reminded me of this poem, I hope it helps you the way it helped me once upon a time:

Angela's Word

When Angela was very young,
Age two or three or so,
Her mother and her father
Taught her never to say NO.
They taught her that she must agree
With everything they said,
And if she didn't, she was spanked
And sent upstairs to bed.

So Angela grew up to be
A most agreeable child;
She was never angry
And she was never wild;
She always shared, she always cared,
She never picked a fight,
And no matter what her parents said,
She thought that they were right.

Angela the Angel did very well in school
And, as you might imagine, she followed every rule;
Her teachers said she was so well-bred,
So quiet and so good,
But how Angela felt inside
They never understood.

Angela had lots of friends
Who liked her for her smile;
They knew she was the kind of gal
Who'd go the extra mile;
And even when she had a cold
And really needed rest,
When someone asked her if she'd help
She always answered Yes

When Angela was thirty-three, she was a lawyer's wife.
She had a home and family, and a nice suburban life.
She had a little girl of four
And a little boy of nine,
And if someone asked her how she felt
She always answered, "Fine."

But one cold night near Christmas time
When her family was in bed,
She lay awake as awful thoughts went spinning through her head;
She didn't know why, and she didn't know how,
But she wanted her life to end;
So she begged Whoever put her here
To take her back again.

And then she heard, from deep inside,
A voice that was soft and low;
It only said a single word
And the word it said was... NO.
From that moment on, Angela knew
Exactly what she had to do.
Her life depended on that word,
So this is what her loved ones heard:

NO, I just don't want to;
NO, I don't agree;
NO, that's yours to handle;
NO, that's wrong for me;
NO, I wanted something else;
NO, that hurt a lot!
NO, I'm tired, and NO, I'm busy,
And NO, I'd rather not!

Well, her family found it shocking,
Her friends reacted with surprise;
But Angela was different, you could see it in her eyes;
For they've held no meek submission
Since that night three years ago
When Angela the Angel
Got permission to say NO.

Today Angela's a person first, then a mother and a wife.
She knows where she begins and ends,
She has a separate life.
She has talents and ambitions,
She has feelings, needs and goals.
She has money in the bank and
An opinion at the polls.

And to her boy and girl she says,
"It's nice when we agree;
But if you can't say NO, you'll never grow
To be all you're meant to be.
Because I know I'm sometimes wrong
And because I love you so,
You'll always be my angels
Even when you tell me NO."

Source:  Barbara K. Basset