The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, this is my second post here, and thank you all so much for being such an amazing resource and source of comfort.
I went to my first f2f meeting a few nights ago, and it was really amazing and terrifying at the same time. It felt really safe, and I was so thankful to see that there are all of these other people who understand what I am going through- b/c this has been a very lonely process for me.
But, at the same time, it was probably the scariest night of my life. Mostly b/c this is all very new to me, and in the past I have never been sure if my husband is an A. But after going to the f2f, I have absolutely no doubts at all. I have only been married 2 months, and with my husband for 3 years, and I realize now that getting married at all was part of me trying to control the situation/him. It is as though subconsciously my brain was churning out a subliminal message of "if you can control the wedding, then it will all go away and you will be able to control everything from here on out, too".
Not the case.
We are going out of town to visit our families, and I have so much anxiety. It is going to be the first time that a lot of them have seen us since we got married, and I am going to have to fake some serious happiness. Because, honestly, I don't know if this will last a year.
I know that he has an addiction, that this is a disease, and that he deosnt "choose" alcohol over me. But at the same time, I am having a really hard time with the first step of realizing that I am powerless, and hence letting go of some of the resentment.
I want to be with him, I love him dearly, but I can't see my life like this is the long run. I don't want to be an angry bitter person with an unfulfilling home life. It just can't happen.
I'm going to keep going to the f2f, and posting here. Any thoughts??? How do I remain steadfast and loving when I just want him to admit that he has a problem and get help???!!!
3 7's sara, boy do I understand what you are talking about. Around 6 months into my marriage I thought I was completely losing my mind. I kept trying to talk to my close girlfriends about it. Even his step mom. Many said it was just the first year of adapting to being married but I gotta tell you, that was a bunch of bull. Something was seriously wrong and I tried to move heaven and earth to control it, save it, make everyone look good, make everyone happy (oh except me, of course). It did not work, not one bit. But I recall those times together with family "faking it" because we were newly weds. Oh yes, I sure do and I am so sorry that you need to do this because in all honesty, it is harmful to pretend like this even though we all do it once in awhile which is fine. Its when its all you do that it becomes really toxic.
I had to leave because if I didn't I was going to kill him. No joke. I thought the best way to deal with my sucky marriage was to spend the rest of my life wearing an orange jumpsuit.
I am almost to 5 years married and 2 1/2 of those years have been separated/apart (my choice).
It was so awful when we were together but I have to tell you I can honestly say that I contributed to making it awful. I knew I needed a program as much as he did because by that time I WAS crazy, not just thinking I was going crazy (there is a difference!).
The choice is yours but from my experience it does not get any easier. You sound a lot smarter and seem to have more self esteem than I did- take care and keep coming back- Hugs, J.
Keep going to your meetings and pick up a detachment pamphlet keep it in yur purse , remember your not responsible for hs behavior , try and relax and enjoy your family . if you have our ODAt daily reader try july 14th, do what it says to the best of your ability and you will be fine . Keep the foucs on yourself , and let the chips fall where they may . good luck
