I am struggling  with this right now. In my mind if I am resenting, hating the ex then I am triggering myself and becomming miserable. I am long over the caring for the A. Forgiveness is for me. If I want to stop drinking the poision and hoping the other person will die then I need to forgive. I'm not there yet. Still. It's not my job to forgive, that's God's job. My job can only be to accept and choose to stay or go. I don't know, it's a hard one for me, I can't wait to read others ESH.

In the beginning I had to use anger a lot and it was hard to hold onto. He would be nice and I would forget everything. Literally forget until I read it on here or thought really hard. Another problem with me is that when I'd give him a zillionth chance and he'd screw up again I'd be angry at myself for being so stupid, believing him again, etc. That didn't help me at all either I was angry at both of us. Sometimes anger is justified and there's nothing wrong with being angry. After I left I wrote a list of reasons not to go there again. Also posting on here helped me to see how insane the things I had tolerated and accepted as "normal" really were. Getting feedback from people healthier than I, actually putting it all down in writing and reading it and realizing that it's ok to be angry when you have something to be angry about. A lot of times I would try to think about it in terms of if someone else wrote this what would I say/think? That helped me a lot to take it ouside of myself.

It is important to forgive and let go of resentments but there is a time for everything, even anger. It depends on what you want to do too. I wanted to leave him and never look back and the anger helped me to do that. I watched what he did rather than listening to his words and he proved exactly who he is. He was that guy all along I just refused to see it before because I saw the words and not the actions - I know that doesn't really make sense but the words were like a fantasy in my mind and I imagined they would really happen and tolerated all the other stuff until it did. Of course it never did.

Another thing was caring about him. I care about him now, I don't show him that, I don't talk to him if I have a choice but I still care about what happens to him. I'm just not vested in him anymore. I accepted the fact that this is the path that he has chosen and it's his choice and his life. Mine doesn't have to be attached to his anymore. I can't change him, I can only change me and what I choose to accept or not accept. I used to think caring was giving him whatever he wanted or avoiding saying or doing anything that would make him unhappy or uncomfortable. I'm long past that now. I'm wondering if when you say "care" about him if this is what you mean. Not saying anything that would possibly upset him or make him uncomfortable. I remember when I told the A I was filing for child support all hell broke loose. I think a lot of it is fear of what they might or might not do.

It takes time and practice for me it was using the word NO, sticking by what I said and just watching his actions. Now I don't particularly care if he likes what I have to say or not. Of course I moved out over a year ago and it took a long time for me to get to that point.

Thanks for all of the responses. Your insight is so appreciated.