Maresie brought up the Kaufman triangle (thanks Maresie!). Please google it, its fascinating reading. Here is what I could find to counter the effects: its excellent food for thought as we all jump to all the corners when dealing with the A (at least I sure did). Enjoy-

Healthy Skills for each Role Player to Leave the Drama Triangle

Perpetrator Role

Stop denying that you reject, punish, or persecute others.
Face the horrific reality that you have damaged others by your unrealistic expectations and anger.
Give up the need to be right and feel self righteous and superior to others.
Stop rationalizing and justifying domineering beliefs and behaviors.
Get honest with yourselftell yourself the truth! Own the effects of your loud voice, angry stare and cold shoulder on others. Catch and interrupt yourself when you increase the volume and force to get your way.
When others disagree with you, ask yourself, Am I really being threatened or is it just a difference of opinion?
Learn how your use of force makes you feel powerful and find healthy ways to feel good about yourself.
Own how you are energized by getting angry. Identify the adrenalin rush that anger gives you.
Find new, healthy highs and energizing experiences to replace the adrenalin high of anger.
Attend anger management classes to learn anger containment and anger release techniques.
Attend parenting classes to learn about childrens age appropriate behavior and learn appropriate discipline techniques.
Monitor anger and take a time-out by walking away before you become verbally or physically abusive.
Learn to feel vulnerable with uncomfortable feelings instead of exploding out in anger when stressed or threatened.
Learn and use the Intentional Dialogue Technique (Harville Hendrixs Imago Therapy) to feel empathy and compassion for others.
Apologize to those you have harmed and begin the repair work to set the family on a healthy course.
Get a life where you can live in peace, without anger!

Rescuer Role

Catch yourself in the act of feeling good because you helped someone. Stop basing your self-esteem on helping others.
Give up the need to feel superior because you are the good guy who always helps others.
Address your self esteem needs to control others and know what is best for them.
Address your own problems, shortcomings and negative emotions instead of focusing on other people.
Set limits about solving other peoples problems and put ALL of your energy in to solving your own.
Learn the hookshow others use guilt and manipulation to pull you into the Drama Triangle.
Stop rationalizing and justifying your caretaking and enabling behavior.
Stop feeling sorry for other people and giving them advice, money or support.
When others overwhelm you with their problems, tell them you are not qualified to deal with such deep issues and suggest they get professional help.
Get clean and sober with your codependency. Read at least five books on codependency and do the mind-opening exercises.
Attend Adult Children of Alcoholics and AlAnon, get a sponsor and work the steps.
Deal with your anger of being the good little girl or boy and the parentified child who did not get to have a childhood.
Read five books on the heavy emotion of shame. Do the exercises in the books to help release shame.
Interrupt guilty feelings when you refrain from unnecessary giving by reminding yourself that your old family programming is coming up.
Define your new self esteem as a person who takes care of your own feelings, thoughts, actions and problems.
Bow out of the drama and encourage the Victim to stand up to the Perpetrator whenever possible.
Take an assertiveness course.
Get a life where you are responsible only for yourself!

Victim Role

Stop expecting someone else to rescue you. Think and problem solve for yourself. Act boldly.
Take responsibility for your feelings, thoughts and actions that contribute to your Victim role.
Be authentic with others and learn to state your feelings and your needs firmly.
Learn the body sensations and reactions that signal you are about to collapse into helplessness.
Listen to your constant Victim statements and break into them.
Address the terror and release traumatic memories of being abused by Perpetrator.
Learn to handle confrontation and deal with other peoples anger.
Study Learned Helplessness and Learned Optimism (Martin Seligman) and apply the ideas from his research to your life.
Challenge any belief or thoughts that say you are unworthy and cant take care of yourself.
Decide what you expect and state your minimum standard of behavior that you consider to be decent treatment from others.
Set limits with Perpetrators and rescuers and walk away if they dont respect your boundaries.
Stop blaming the Perpetrator and rescuer and focus on getting out from under their influence.
Deal with your anger at being scapegoated and punished by others and your taking on the victim role.
Start a self nurturing, self care program to bolster your ability to take care of your own needs.
Take an assertiveness training course. Read five books on assertiveness. Take the course again.
Surround yourself with new, positive friends and define yourself as an independent person who can handle lifes problems.
Get a life where you are responsible for yourself!

Hello. My Name is _____ and Im in Recovery from the Drama Triangle

Get honest. Recovery from family dysfunction is a time of facing the truth about your childhood and delving into the dark hole of lies, manipulations and devious behaviors that exist inside of you. It is about examining how you treat others and allow them to treat you. Drama Triangle work is Soul work. It is a call from your highest self to address the guilt, shame and sense of unworthiness within that percolates up and refuses to go away. You can create the space to watch and address your thoughts and behaviors as they present themselves daily.

Really get it that your playing out the familiar roles of Perpetrator, Rescuer and Victim does not serve you. It does not serve others. It is just something you have learned because it was modeled for you. So you need not have guilt or feel ashamed for what you have learned living in your family. As learned patterns of habit, the attitudes and behaviors that make up all the roles of the Drama Triangle can be unlearned. To do nothing to change the roles guarantees that thing will remain the same.

Real love in a family is a combination of checks and balancescalling a person on his inappropriate behavior when necessary and giving enthusiastic support for strivings for growth. Unconditional love given to disrespectful or destructive behavior reinforces the Perpetrator role as it does not provide any motivation for change. Unconditional love given to rescuing, enabling or victim behavior enhances continuing dysfunction. Real love is honest and asks the people in the family to become the best they can be without shaming or guilting. The ability to share feelings honestly and respectfully is one sign of healthy behavior in a family. Real love communicates a belief of positive regard for the person. It expects and gives respect to all family members.

The undoing of the pain is an ongoing process of emotional and spiritual maturity across the lifespan. It can be hastened through study, observation and confrontation of negative behaviors. You learn, stretch and grow each as you mindfully watch your interactions with others. The techniques from Energy Psychology Therapy and Imago Therapy are so easy to learn to help you release negativity with amazing quickness.

Forgiveness is the ultimate key to true change and recovery. It cant be forced, but by studying this humbling process of release, it comes, sometimes out of the blue, to take you to a place of higher consciousness. Forgiveness happens gradually for some as there is a realization as Virginia Satir said, We are all victims of victims of victims. Forgiveness is threefold: forgiveness of self, others and whatever you call God. Start with yourself to accept that you are a person with strong feelings that were born of trauma and injustice that call out now for transformation. Thats why the Course in Miracles and the Emotional Freedom Technique have such depth. They have a process to touch into forgiveness which you can apply daily to bring about an overall acceptance and surrender of the injustices and betrayals that happened in your life to come to a place of calmness.

Remember, recovery from your family pain is a day-to-day process. Life becomes brighter and more cheerful when you address your personal pain. With practice and mindfulness, you can break down those walls of delusion of dysfunctional behavior you have built in a misguided attempt to stay safe. Make honesty the only language you speak. In your recovery from lies, deceits, and manipulation, decide to be as honest as you can and treat those you love with respect. The process of recovery is being mindful as you heed that call from your Soul to wake up and become all that you can be.