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I am upset about something with my boyfriend who is my qualifier. I am having trouble seeing my part in it. This may seem trivial to some, but here goes....
I asked him to take two boxes and a tv to the shed in the backyard. I asked him about a week before my sister, her husband and my nephew were coming to stay (they were from the room they would be staying in). He asked me why and I told him I was getting things cleaned out of our daughter's room, so she would have room for the new toys she would be getting etc. The two boxes are filled with toys she doesn't play with that I wanted to keep for the baby I am expecting in May. The tv had been in her closet for three years and was left in the closet out of convenience. He tells me that he will do it, but he doesn't understand why I am doing all this and that he thinks it is because I am putting on heirs because my sister is coming.
Anyway, it never gets done. The Monday before they arrive (about a week after I asked) the boxes and tv are still sitting in my daughter's room. I ask him if he could take them out and he gives me a hard time, so five months pregnant, I lug everything out there. The boxes were fine, but the tv was not a good idea to move. I am annoyed and tell him that I don't understand why he can help his sister move her entire house, but can't move three things for me. He gives me the riot act and tells me not to compare myself to my sister.
Well it came up again last night. I can't even remember how, now that I think of it. He says he asked a friend of his about that situation and they told him that when I compared myself to his sister he should have knocked me out. Well.............I lost whatever intsy bitsy bits of alanon I have learned since coming in January. I yelled and slammed doors and told him I thought he was a selfish a*#whole and that I am there for him and this one little thing has turned into him insisting he is right, that I put on heirs for my family and me boiling mad, because I feel like he is selfish and lazy when it comes to me.
I am really at a loss, except to see this as his manipulation of me. I can't understand what the big deal was about taking this stuff to the shed. Why he has to pick this fight with me, but I am still boiling mad. He gave me the silent treatment this morning. I am glad for it. I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to be anywhere around him.
If you see my part in this, please slap me over the head with it. I am at a loss here.
I always wondered what my part was too and then I figure out it was putting up with it. That was all I could come up with. I allowed him to treat me that way and stayed and took it. Sure I was a nag sometimes, I had expectations of him to do normal man stuff like mow the yard and do home improvement. I guess having the expectations are our part. You either take em or leave em, I left him, moved to condo where someone else fixes everything and have sofar lived happily ever after LOL.
This sounds like the fight I had with the exA all the time. I think its called "splitting" and pitting people into good and bad. A's tend to see things in black and white terms. For whatever reaosn they also seem to like being in chaos. Dont' ask me why.
I think for me when I lost my cool the effect it had on me and others was so key. Some people go out of their way to be provocative. I steer a huge berth around them. i would argue with them before. Now I don't.
What can I say I had that same fight with the A for 7 years. I can have the same fight with my dysfunctional housemates. After a while in Al anon I just decided if someone wants to play that stuff with me I don't interact with them. I drop them from my life. I have to say it took me such grief to get there.
I don't think it is an easy route to navigate.
what eventually dawned on me was the A wanted conflict and I don't.
I should also say that the A I was with regularly brought every tom dick and harry into our relationship. Imagine how I felt when I heard from someone else (someone he had just met) that he told them he was going to lie to me about moving to Colorado. That is also called splitting putting one person on the pedastel and labelling another as bad. Some people are really good at that The ex A was.
For me the issue is losing my cool. I do a lot to stay mellow these days. Some days it is easier than others. Obviously this issue of preparing for people coming to your house is up there for you. I know also for me I spent tons of money time and energy on the A, he did not reciprocate. I bullt up a huge store of resentment about it. I got it out here day and night I came here and put it out there. The A very very rarely listened to my resentments. In fact he called recently and said did I have anything to say and when I said I didn't he saw that as a great sign because he absolutely could not hear my resentment. What I also learned from the A was that for him depedency went one way to him not from him. If I "needed" suddenly I became this huge albatross.
I can imagine you are very very hurt. When people first suggested I look at my part in it I could not fathom it. Eventually with a lot of detachment I began to see expecting much of anything from him was a lost cause. I started to let him deal with his issues, after all he was very happy to let me deal with mine.
This is a process. The start of the process is seeing the boundaries. Now when someone goes over my boundaries I see it right away and I take action. The action doesn't generally involve raising my voice or any of that but I take action. I regroup. I can't say I did that.
I've been here 3 years coming this Christmas. This isn't a race. Its a process. I process every single day stuff that comes up. There is no hierachy here. We are just here to help each other. Detachment helps but detachment doesn't come for all of us day one. Some of us have to really really work on it.
I agree that "your part" is accepting unaccepable behavior. You did nothing but make a request. "Please move this box" does not call for " You stink." A simple "no." would have been enough at which point you could have decided to either move the box yourself or call someone else to move it. I guess my expectations get me in trouble. I always assumed I was dealing with a "normal" person. He isn't. He has a disease which makes him far from "normal". His reactions are never like a "normal" person. When I lived with him (wether he was sober or not) I was as crazy with my reactions as he was with his actions. When someone threathens you with physical violence, you know they are not ok. To even repeat what his friend said to you, his PREGNANT wife is just plain wrong and there is NO PART you might have played in THAT. Stay safe, keep your kids safe. Living with an alcoholic is too much for most of us.....Thank God we have alanon.
Actually, I'm furious with him on your behalf (talk about not detaching ), so I hope I will make some kind of sense.
First of all, you didn't compare yourself to his sister; you compared his behaviour in a situation involving his sister to his behaviour in a situation involving you.
Did you do this calmly? If not, then that might be part of your part. And I suppose making the observation could be seen as taking his inventory, keeping the focus somewhere other than on self.
Having a tidy home is not putting on airs.
Have you looked at what your motivation was when you made the comparison about his behaviours in the two situations? If it was trying to control him, then I guess that's your part.
And clearly losing your temper was your part. But for the record, prior to that, from what you've said, it doesn't sound to me like you asked or said anything even slightly unreasonable.
To me, this looks like the classic A tactic of taking a tiny piece of truth (you mentioned his sister) and twisting and aggrandizing it all out of all proportion to make you look like the bad guy - because then he doesn't have to look at himself. His saying it does NOT make it true.
And finally it seems to me that a deeper issue here is not the boxes - it's about control, and about how you communicate (or don't) when you disagree. To me, if you can state what is and isn't acceptable behaviour calmly, and not try to "make" him act or think in a certain way, then you've kept your side of the street clean.
I see two things, and believe me, I was guilty of the same things for years before I finally left the active alcoholic husband.
Expecting an active A to do something that would be no big deal to a 'normal' and caring person, and then getting upset when they don't was a huge fault of mine. It always escalated into a huge fight when it didn't get done.
Secondly, as others have said, accepting the inappropriate behavior.
My self-esteem was SO low, I couldn't believe that I deserved any better than what I was living with.
That kept me stuck for years living in a very unhealthy relationship/marriage.
I am so grateful I don't have to live that way today.
I'd rather be alone taking care of myself (scary though that was for a long time), than being 'with' someone and tolerating all the crap that comes from active alcoholism.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Leetle- I can see that your expectations may have been unwise. You ask and set a time limit. If he agrees and he doesn't do it (I went through this constantly), you go to your plan B and call and get your Plan B person to take care of it and say NOTHING to the A. Take your plan B person to lunch/send them flowers. Hugs, J.
well Leetle you sure brought memories back for me , expectations . Your request was not unreasonable somehow they just don't seem to notice . Several yrs ago now we had a swag lamp and I noticed that the hook had become loose and needed to be tightened but I took it down as i was concerned it might fall and h urt someone . That stupid lamp laid on the floor for a yr and half , I asked several times , no response then I started to move it around hoping he would trip over it ( my insanity ) nada . One nite at coffee after a meeting I was talking about this stupid lamp and a lady said to me , isn't there someone else that could hang that for you ? Next day a friend of my sons came I asked if he could do it he says sure so I give him a couple of bucks to buy the hardware he needs and in 1/2 hr I had my lamp safely back up where it belonged . I agrivated myself for a yr over that stupid lamp hoping he would notice . sheeeeeeeesh oh and by the way hubby never seemed to notice that the lamp was not on the floor anymore - go figure . I could have saved myself alot of agrivation if I had simply asked for help . But noooooooo I had to prove my point . damn I get mad at me when I do that . no more lifting tv's for you take care of baby and you . Louise
Been there, done that. I remember climbing up ladders 8 months pregnant to change lightbulbs after being in near tears with requests ignored. Detachment saved me. no expectations. the plus side is if/when the time comes to leave you will know without a doubt that you can do it on your own. Detachment will be an important tool once the new baby gets here. My AHs drinking escalated after the birth of both my babies.
(((Leetle))) I've been there and done that. Your part was the expectations as others have pointed out. You are not dealing with reasonable in your partner, or even acceptable 'normal' behaviour patterns - whatever 'normal' is - and what got me so riled was the person who said that HE should have knocked you out.
Look at that! No 'normal' person would even think about knocking out a pregnant lady, or even repeat that a friend had said that action was appropriate.
This only shows how abnormal and unreasonable and unacceptable this situation is.
Plan B's are really good. Set a time limit when you make a request and should that time limit pass without the request being fulfilled go to your Plan B.
Your part, as I see it, is your response. Change that and protect yourself. I came to the conclusion that if I did NOT expect, then I would NOT be disappointed and if I was not disappointed I would not be angry or resentful and my response would be much calmer and peaceable. Took me a long long time to get that far.
hugs, Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. All of your replies have helped me see my part (my expectations and my reactions), as well as validate my feelings. Thinkstoomuch, you made me laugh out loud re: detaching:c) I needed that!
), so I hope I will make some kind of sense.
