The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am having a hard time doing self-inventory. Ever since I threatened to leave my marriage to H's drug addiction, he has gone off the deep end. He has been placing a lot of blame on me and finger pointing - much worse than I could do to myself. So, how do I sort out all this gunk and truly evaluate myself. Apparently, my behavior (being honest about my changing feelings, suggesting we wait to have sex again, saying I don't trust him) have superceded a 2 year addiction (which he has yet to claim as such). Help!
How long have you been in the program. Some of the liturature says not to try to do an inventory too soon. There is too much confusing stuff to sort out. I just started and have been in Alanon for 19 months. What i did was to concentrate on some of the mechanics (detachment & other skills) and weed out one small habit at a time for concentrated improvement (self acceptance for example). This allows for some progress and growth before starting your inventory. I have seen a couple of people start too soon and end up beating themselves up. I feel good that I waited because now it is like an adventure in self discovery that I look forward to. I think that is because I can really accept who I am at this time, so I can be really honest.
Also do you have a sponsor? I finally got one, though I had to go long distance. My town is tiny.
Try to relax, get some serenity. You don't have to do this right this minute if you aren't ready. You don't have to force it. Recovery happens at its own pace. Let go and let God. Your HP is in control of your recovery, trust him.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
I remember coming to the chat in despair one night - "No matter what happens, he just blames me!" and being told "Hon, of course he does - blaming is what they do."
This is where "the wisdom to tell the difference" comes in - there was often a bit of truth in his rants. My growth depended on, and came from, finding the truth in there, finding the bit that really WAS mine, working on that, and ignoring the rest. If we accept all the blame they heap on us, it can destroy us. If we ignore all the blame, and just blow it off as "alcoholic thinking" we sometimes fail to keep our own side of the street clean.
You don't have to do this all at once - in fact, if you DO do it too quickly, you miss a lot, because it's the process, not a product, that you are after. The act of working on yourself is what is valuable here - you are not really aiming for a "perfect" you at the end of it all.
So much wisdom here. My AH is applying a great deal of pressure for me to work on fixing "us" which seems counterproductive until I fix me and he works on his own issues that consistently lead him back to addiction. (Things got out of control, but he's not an addict :) )In a sense I do feel that I am rushing my own journey. The more I stand up for myself, insist that I need space alone, need time to think about things, the more pressure he puts on me. He knows that I am applying for jobs out of state - part of a dream that I have been working for for 4 years. He has been keyed in on this the whole time and reminded the whole time that moving would be a strong possibility. Needless to say, he has no intentions of moving. He is determined to get things back the way that they were quickly so that 3 months from now I don't even consider it. Like many spouses of A's I have learned to put my needs on the backburner, which has worked to his favor. Perhaps that is all that I can work on right now, putting my needs first which leads to self-care and self-acceptance.
well op i hope u are going to meetings f2f u need support . A's are so good at pointing our defects out it gets a little confusing occasionally. this prog will change your life for the better hope you find meetings for yourself . Louise
OU, gosh, feels so familiar what you said about having this dream and moving elsewhere and him just sitting there trying to "get it back to where it was"! I am just finishing grad school and in around 4-5 months, I can move anywhere I want and get a good job and I WANT TO DO THIS. He is dragging his feet...but he knows I will become a bit of a cash cow so he is thinking about it...I do not know what is going to happen but I know that I need to keep focused on me and what I want, each and every day, one step at a time. He can stand on his head trying to control me, whatever, not my problem. I am going to follow my dream with or without him. I gotta do what I gotta do and so do you! Good luck and keep coming back, I want updates! J.
My situation exactly! Isn't funny how you can't be "too smart" to suffer the effects of an addict. To date I have sent out 10 job applications any where that I am a good candidate. H has been very critical that I am on this board. I have been hesitant to pursue f2f, but it is needed.
I seem to need more time to remember why it is I want to stay with this man?!! Maybe one day all the time in world will prevent me from remembering...!
