The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I just don't get! How do I make a searching and moral inventory of myself and my behaviour when I do not understand what a moral inventory is?
I understand moral, but it is getting it all down as a moral inventory that is screwing me up.
If I say I am compassionate - and the qualification behind that is that I found it easy to say to myself, "There but for the grace of God, go I." and therefore I did NOT judge my AH because he was an A; I can look at compassionate as being good and moral, do you agree?
whereas
If I say I was self-centred as my world revolved around getting through each day the best way I could in order to give the children the best that I could with the little I had, it seems to be bad and therefore immoral, for self-centredness is immoral; do you agree?
I just don't get how to make this searching, fearless and moral inventory and write it all down in two columns marked Good and Bad [as related to moral and immoral], because everytime I write things down they seem to end up on the wrong side of the page i.e. in the wrong column.
Help please, I am just not getting anywhere and feel that I am going around in circles. Heartbroken
__________________
"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Tried 3 different methods, the first time, before I found the one that worked for me.
The two column method was the first I tried with not much success.
Then I tried using both the old and the new versions of "blue print for progress" which is an Al-Anon guide for doing the fourth step. This can be purchased from recovery bookstores or from your home group or online at wso's web site.
I finally settled on using a guide much like this one: (cut and paste the link, if it is not "clickable")
http://www.network12.com/four/4thstep.htm
It is geared toward's AA but I found it worked the best for me. Click on the link and give it a look!
Good luck and keep at it! The main thing is willingness to do it!
Well I can only tell you my own inventory process its a long one. I've been in 12 step meetings for years. I found the 12 steps pretty difficult at firs.t These days I look at some of the issues around boundaries. I was compassionate to the A all the time was I compassionate to me. I think for me as a codependent a lot of my focus has to be on me and what i did not do for me.
I don't actually think there is a right or a wrong way to do this. There are tons and tons and tons of books on the 12 steps you can look at those too. There is also a list in al anon that people tick off. I don't know if you go to face to face meetings. For me personally as a codependent (in recovery) my focus has to be on me. I don't so much look at anymore what I did not or did do to others (that comes in time) I look at what I did not do for myself. I can be infiinitely compassionate to the A, focus on him all the time. This time is for me.
Hon, have you gotten the 4th step workbook Blueprint for Progress? I think you are being too hard on yourself. These things are not black and white. You don't have to categorise everything. This is real life. There is too much gray area. If you only have 2 coulumns and everything that doesn't pit perfectly into the "good" one gets lumped into the "bad" one, then you don't have an inventory. You have a single handed lynching party. I think the word you are missing is inventory. Inventory is not good or bad. The purpose is awareness, not judgement. A moral inventory, as I understand it, is an honest look at you thoughts, feelings and reactions. You get an honest idea of how you look at the world, then you can work on stuff that you don't like.
At least that's how I see it. Hopefully you will get more insight from some of the others.
Love in recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
one way could be to look at boundaries. There are lots of books on boundaries. I wish when I was first doing a list on my resentments I had been able to see boundaries. Back then (this is 20 years ago) I was just so full of resentment. Now when i look at my fourth step I am always aware of my boundaries, how good are they, do they go up and down, do I hold onto them. How do I feel about them. Why not start with that.
I think there is no place more we need boundaries than around the alcoholic. For me even delaing with the exA nowadays I have to work on what are going to be my boundaries dealing with him Do I have time limits, do I have someplace to go to detox aferwards. And I am talking about a 2 minute conversation. I have taken years and years to work on being civil to him after years of screaming full pitch at him and blaming him for everything.
So for me in my esh my boundaries have to be right up there when my feelings are loaded. I have to in retrospect plan really down to the minute days like Christmas which are super loaded for me. When I am able to institute right actions like taking care of myself then I am able ot do a inventory on my past actions. I know I never learned to take care of msyelf in my family of origin. How could I.
I have seen and heard people do brutal no holds barred inventories on ourselves. Remember anyone who is dealing with an A is severely tested. We all break down now and agian. I have to be super boundaried when I am around dysfunctional people. I have to practice those because of course I never got to have them most of my life. While I was powerless over my As addiciton I was resonsible for myside of the street. I've disclosed here some of the stuff I did, screaming, resenting him to death, obsessing and more. There was some element of choice there but now I know better I do much much better, that for me is the amends to myself. I practice practice and practice. I do not practice beating myself to the smithereens.
you should talk about your 4th step with your sponsor.. they can help you work thru the blocks you come up with... and most of the time they can help you find a format that works for you.... usually the one they used.... : )
good luck and do not be hard on yourself.. when it is time for you to work your 4th step you will.. most likely in HP's time.. not yours.. found for myself.. anytime I try to force something in this program it is my will.. but when it just comes and happens it is HP will and time....
I am doing my 4th step with another Alanoner. We are using the Blueprint for Progress. However, reading the Big Book and what Bill W in AA meant about a searching and fearless moral inventory, helps. It isn't good and bad but "saleable and unsaleable" goods ie things that don't work.
