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I don't really know how to start this one.....or really what I am going to say so bare with me.
I ended things w/my ex-AH AGAIN a couple of weeks ago. We got into a huge fight...rather he did and I refused to participate, which made him even more mad. So he stayed out of the picture for a week and a half. That was good for me. I realized what I had known all along....and knew so well last summer but got convinced otherwise by the A. I WANT MY FREEDOM!! I want my own life separate from him. I want out of our screwed up relationship FOREVER. So I finally ended things with him again...when he tried to make amends after the fight.
He has been living w/his mom and now he has caused another riff w/her and she kicked him out. Now he is staying in motels during the week w/the guys he works with (they are all out-of-towners) and plans on staying w/his grandma on the weekends - which aint gonna fly w/her to well....but she will not stand up to him.
He is supposed to be coming over tonight to see the kids and get his paycheck, which is mailed to my house. This something I want stopped but where else would it be mailed....he could open up a P.O. Box but I don't think he would do that. So here I am at work, dreading dealing w/him tonight. I know he will be there when I get off of work. And I have belt testing for karate tonight so either he will visit for a short bit & leave or stay home w/the kids while I test. If that happens, he will more than likely be asleep when I get home and he'll end up staying the night. ARG!! One other scenario is he will say he is going to watch me test.....trying to be the supportive husband. This is bunk considering I am testing for my 5 belt and he has only ever made 1 or 2 testings....not to mention all the ones he has missed for my son & daughter.
On top of that....I do not want him there b/c this other guy I have been talking to a lot will be testing. There is lots of tension there between the 3 of us b/c my ex detected chemistry between this other guy and me back in the spring. So he is quick to acuse me of dating this guy, even having sex with him. None of which has happened.....although I won't discount it as happening down the road.
So that is that.....things on my mind today. Thanks for listening. Sincerely, QOD
Hon I would ask myself,"what do I get out of his having his check come to my home?" Remember how we are in al anon to take care of us?
I feel when I allowed this to cont. I was enabling. I am taking care of something that is NOT my responsibility.
Also I would be giving my AH ideas that I still want a connection to him.
If you feel it is not good for YOU, it is up to you. Possibly give him a day or two to make the change, then go to the P.O. and tell them to refuse any mail for anyone but you.
The disease sees anything we do to make it easier, a foot in the door. A connection. I know for me, when I completely let go, I burned all his stuff he refused to come get, and gave away the rest. I refuse to have any thing of his here.
If he had mail coming here, oh well. Natural consequence for him not taking responsibility, his mail goes back.
You are doing great. So many great steps Q.Sounds like you are moving on. Yet hanging on. What right does he have to stay over night, or go to your test?
I went back and forth with the A a lot. This summer I took him under my wing again and paid for everything. I do know it takes a long long long time for some of us to let go. For me it was a hugely long process. I don't think anyone else can tell you when the time is up. I also know all about the tension. I had lots of tension with the A for a long time. When I stopped hating him and raging at him is when I had the energy to change. As long as I resented him things stayed the same. No one can do this process but you. Obviously for him to get another po is an issue. I still share a po with the ex. I rarely if ever go there at the same time there is some mail that is there. For me the huge issue is to go there and not be interested in whether he has a warrant whatever he has. He certainly isn't interestred in me.
I feel for you. I know what it is to be in the process. but you are there. In time you will be on another part of it. Be where you are, process what you have to.
