The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am always trying to understand my AHsober and rationalize his actions. This is our third year of separation. It isn't getting any better. This disease is progressive whether they are drinking or not. When I go to meetings or read your posts and there is active drinking I understand. I can see it. When I interact with my AHsober it never goes well. He never calls and when he does he lies. He says he wants a divorce and that I am the problem but he hasn't filed. And I keep looking for the bottle. He's sober! I am learning that most all our interactions are alcoholism, dry or drunk. When he is nice to me, when he is helpful, when he expresses concern, when he doesn't express concern and is self centered - this all the disease.
He wanted to buy land. He offered to come help me for the weekend. He did but all he wanted was for me to sign the papers to take money out of his 401K. Every financial wizard says never take money out of your retirement fund. I told him no. He was pissed. Our son in the military is despondent. We agreed to meet and talk about him. While we were talking his cell phone rings and he starts making a coffee date with his friend. I called the next morn and left a message that I was very concerned about son. He called eight hours later because he was too busy.
I had told him that we really have no common ground to talk unless he goes to an AA meeting or does something spiritual. This sounds manipulative on my part but it was an attempt to set a boundary. Maybe like saying don't talk to me when you are drunk. So he just isn't there for me. I am doing my best to work my program. I need to focus on myself and keep going to my meetings. He's my bottle. I put so much into what he says or does. And I know that it really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the disease.
Hi Nancy, yes, I look for the logic also. I think its normal to really try to understand those around us and 90% of the time it works so we think it will work with the A, too.
We try to connect the dots. But with this disease there is no logic or rationale. I cannot tell you the number of conversations I have had with my AH (separated 2 years) that have made absolutely no sense whatsoever. They are completely meaningless, breed toxicity between us and increase frustration. I can go and have all kinds of diverse, sane, logical, meaningful conversations with all kinds of people from all walks of life in work, family and friends. But put him and I together in a room and its all total confusion.
I have stopped expecting anything logical to occur between us.
Especially because I now live without him and have numerous daily sane interactions, it is particularly jarring and disturbing. I am not saying that I am not the problem, I know I am half but I still come to a brick wall when it comes to understanding the alcoholic and I am beginning to see it is because there is no understanding in existence there. Not any help, I know but want you to know you are not alone in trying. I think it is natural to seek understanding and connect the dots.
I realized recently as I was talking to my best girlfriend that he has never said to me: "yeah, I hear what you are saying." or "I agree" or "exactly" as some form of agreement or connection or association of any kind. His vocabulary is devoid of these kinds of connective phrases. It could be a man thing (not having this way of expressing themselves) but I am not buying that because lots of guys use these phrases all the time.
It is mind boggling. I just give it up to my HP. Hugs, J.
You both help me so much just by the fact that you understand how crazy the communication and lack of responses can be whether they are drinking or not. It has often made me feel like I was the crazy one and more recently like I am or to others I appear to be the only one with the problem.
What you both have shared and Jean's quote below from another thread:
"Whether he is drinking or not he is still sick and not in recovery. This is why, in a way, the drinking part is a red herring. It doesnt matter at all- its all the behaviors that are in place and will never go away, this is why it is called a disease."
is making me see how important it is to focus on myself and change myself as I can't control his changing or even see how it could ever change whether he drinks or not. This is not a pretty picture to me but a reality check about how important it is for me to recover if I have any hope of living my own life in any positive way.
Nancy, I get what you are saying big time. I get it! I hear ya! It sucks!
Mercy, sometimes I hate understanding things better but hope it will become for the best of things to come somehow.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
It can be exhasperating with them sober or active. Just wanted to send you much love and blessings. I'll keep you and your family (especially your son) in my prayers. Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Claus
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
