The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is no secret that I feel deprived and lonely at this time. I saw a coat yesterday I really do like but the price tag is way beyond my budget. I know in the past I would find some excuse to buy it and then blame the A. Of course I spent years giving to him I didn't buy a stitch of new clothing or any kind of clothing for a few years because his needs took priority. How hard itis for me to write I made that choice. I want to wail and justify the amount I spend on the coat and be impulsive and have a coat I like! I can't of course justify the purchase and I am in dangerous ground with little to no savings and huge debt.
The issue for me is that when I had the A around I oculd blame him for everything. I can blame him now if I feel like it. I am in a bad spot that's pretty hard to get out of. I'm not adding to it by choosing to be with him, nevertheless getting out of this debt and the mess I am in will take years. I don't like that. I want to be impuslve an believe I can solve all this in one swoop and one way is to get a new coat.
I don't really want to be an adult much like the A didn't. He wanted to blame me for every single thing wrong in his life and he even went so far as to say he never had problems before he met me. he was in and out of jail, he had no job and he took drugs. That was no problem until I came along!!! I would love to do the same but the truth is I was a raving codependent when I met him and I still am and there is a part of me that still wants to be childish and impuslive and scream up and down its not fair! I don't get to do that anymore in recovery and I can't say it goes down easily.
I'll have to find another way to make this holiday work without being impulsive I dont' know what that is but I'm willing these days to do it. I know where it got me to do it my way.
Sometimes I think that the thing that me and my A had in common was our "childishness" (for want of a better word). We loved to play and laugh. That "childishness" presented itself in other areas of our lives though, albeit in different ways for each of us. His "childishness" also included drinking and not working or paying bills. My "childishness" included impulsive buying, and wanting to be with someone who made me feel good but was a drain on my life in every way. How childish is that? Basically it all comes down to gratification. As children, we want what we want when we want it (no matter the consequences). When you get older, we're supposed to put away "childish things". Somewhere in the mix, I missed that step in progress. I'm now learning (and these are my very first baby steps) that I'm responsible for my actions, and ultimately my own life. The decisions we make today will impact our tomorrow. I need to heed that. Thanks for the topic, Maresie. Just what I needed to hear.
I'm amazed at your insight, honesty, and courage. You KNOW life is getting better when you have this kind of strength.
Just as an aside, have you looked into financial counselling? Don't know what it's like where you are, but here it is available through social services. Sometimes they can help you restructure your debt, deal with creditors to get more favourable terms, etc. It might be worth looking into.
I went out last week and bought the coat that I had been wanting. It was 60% off. I had intended to buy it twice before and something happened that made it impossible both times and then bam, last Friday it was on sale and all they had was my size! The odds of that seemed almost impossible LOL. Anyway, it was $36, I love the coat and now ironically enough it has been 80 degrees almost every day since. Anyway, my point was perhaps the opportunity to have what you want will present itself again. Things have been sooooooooo much better for me since I took the 2nd job. Also, many times I will spend money with faith that there will be more and things will work out and it always does. (The Secret)... Anyway, be smart about your money (I very rarely ever shop anywhere but the thrift shop except at Christmas) but also have faith that more money is coming.
great realization.. it took me a year or two in Alanon to make that realization.. as my denial was so deep I didn't even realize how much I was effected till about a year plus in Alanon....
but as I was reminded we should do something for ourselves daily.. for me it may be a walk in the park... something that does not cost money... and then on paydays I plan to get a DVD (sometimes out of the clearence bin to save money).. but it is one I want and for me... has helped a lot keeping the binge spending down... and helps me feel good because I did it for me...
a friend in Alanon calls it going out for ice cream.. he was taught by his sponsor that just taking a walk and buying yourself that ice cream cone it a step at doing something for you... and enjoying the time with yourself... may sound strange I know it did for me at first.. but the first time I walked up and bought that cone I understood....
keep up the great recovery.. it works when you work it...
I never realized how hard it would be to buy something for myself as well. I live in the south and I didn't have a coat for 2 years. I simply wore layers on the few cold days that we had. I finally bought one, on sale, but it was a huge deal for me. I have noticed in the midst of all this chaos that I have lost tract of our financial situation, when I am usually quite good. I bounced 2 checks, paid 2 bills late, none of this is characteristic of me. None of this had to do with how much my H was spending on alcohol, red bulls, and cigarettes. Balancing the checkbook is all me. It would be nice to blame him, though. However, I have been more more proactive, taking control again, and it feels pretty good. I have noticed that when I pay down debt, it is usually a very freeing feeling - better than an object in the store.
