The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sorry if this is too long, but I'm not sure where to go with this, so I'll just lay it all out as best I can.
My aunt was a regular pot smoker for several years, and recently had to give it up due to being arrested and convicted for possesion with intent. She was a successful business owner, but the business had been slowly declining until it was sold off to pay debtors this past summer. Around the time the deal was to close was when she was arrested. Since she no longer had access to marajuana, and its not a good idea to have it around when on probation, she substituted it with alcohol, drinking to major excess. She's been in a treatment facility a couple of times, but it hasn't seemed to help. She is in really bad shape, living alone and looking for a place to spend the Christmas holiday. I offered to let her stay with me and my family (wife and 2 children 12 & 14).
She was of great support to my family and me during some tough job and money times several years ago, and we used to spend lots of time with her when my children were younger and we were geographically closer than we are now, so I feel like we have a closer relationship than most aunt/nephews I know. Recently, the demands of raising my kids and all the activities they are involved in have prevented us from spending more than a couple of weekends a year with her and the occasional phone call, and I know she misses those times when we were around a lot.
I have no experience with alcoholism and have never spent a substantial amount of time staying with and/or caring for an alcoholic. I'm terribly afraid I will do or say the wrong thing, both for her and for my family, and I'm looking for guidance. Is this a good place to start? Any books or web sites that would be helpful? Should I go to an Al-anon meeting? Do I need to just chill out?
First I would like to share the 3 C's with you in regards to your aunts drinking/smoking. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. Moving her in may be a very nice gsture on your part, and only you can make that decission. Me personally after living with an active addict husband for so long would not choose to invite active addiction into my home again.
Alanon meetings are very helpful. You can learn tools to help you cope with the affects of loving someone with an addiciton. Literature is good as well. The daily readers "Courage to Change", "One Day at a Time", and "Hope for Today" are all great. "Paths to Recovery" is another good one.
We have meetings as well as open chat in the MIP alanon chat room. Keep coming back.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
I can certainly empathise with wanting to help others. I can also empathise with wanting to help those who have helped you. I think its important to be super clear on boundaries, substance use and limits. Is there a limit to her stay. What do you expect. I know for me when I am in "rescue" mode my expectations are way up there. Keep posting here about what comes up for you.
Are you talking about having her stay for just a few days? or moving in for an extended stay?
Boundaries are needed here either way, but the one thing to remember is that YOU CANNOT STOP HER FROM USING OR DRINKING. So ask yourself, please, do I want an active drug/alcohol addict in my house with my teenaged children. For me that would be a very hard question. A few days might be a good learning experience. An extended stay will affect your whole family. This is a disease you cannot control. Anyone in close contact with an A WILL be affected.
Either way I would want to be as honest with my children as possible, so they can understand that much of her behavior is not normal or acceptable. Children are very capable of understanding that people do unacceptable things when they are very sick.
Anyhow, those are my thoughts. Take what you can use and leave the rest.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Right now, it's only a short stay. Probably 12/20 through 1/2, and I have no intentions of making it a longer stay. We have way too much on our plate to add something long-term to our lives. I have been overly blessed with a fantastic wife and two great kids, and I think we will make it through OK. I will talk to my children about what to expect, and do my best to prepare them. I will also try to get my hands on the literature suggested, and may attend a meeting just to get a feel for the people and see what info I can get there. This is my first experience with a "rescue" situation and I'm very apprehensive. Thanks you all so much for responding. It's comforting to find a group like this where people are willing to share their thoughts.
My search for information just started today, and based on this post and the replies, I'm feeling better already. I can't thank you all enough, and I'll definitely be around these boards.
