The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a long time since i have posted. It is the third year without my mother. It is not hard living without her now because i know she is where she wanted to be. I will tell you that when she was alive feels like another lifetime ago. I dont like letting my feelings out so much but sometimes i have to write my thoughts. So much has happened since then. I feel a little crazy. My dad broke his hip in the summer time and i lived with him for 3 months and those of you that know me knows how much that was a bad move, i had no choice. My father started walking better after a month and didnt need a walker anymore but his already bad anger increased and he almost hit me with a stick. I pulled it out of his hand and he almost fell with a handfull of splinters. I went to hospice to report this and told them i didnt want care for him. They told me my father refused thier serviices three times in the hospital and in the convelensce home and they were not allowed to go against his wishes.
I told them i wouldnt be caring for him any longer and the convenlence home he was in told me he needed someone full time. They told me that i was not obligated to be his caregiver, They told me that taking care of him can be not much more than a phone number where he can get all the services he needs. That has blown over but i havent went down there since, i send my kids down when they ask to go and i send him down a meal nightly, i havent spoken to him. My sister either. So we are estranged. For the first time in my life im ok. I can face reality this year and know that we were never a family anyway and it is not really that big of a loss.
They told me if i didnt go for xmas that i would ruin it. I told them so be it. They tryed hard to manipulate me if you dont come i am not inviting dad.. over ect.. I dont really care what they do but its not going to be with me. For the first time in my life im going to be true to myself and do what i want no matter what. That is not spend xmas with the people who share the same blood but hate me with a passion. What a relief it is to not hear myself complain about it god i dont want to go.... i cant wait till it s over.... none of that.... a xmas i can choose without my kids this year on xmas but that is ok. I will be with my bf and we will have a good one.
I become afraid and i dont trust myself alot of the time. I am nt sure what will come next. I am a little tired of the non stop issues that come. I am strangely calm in all this there is more i can share but i have to go get my kids at the bus stop from school lol. Hp has me where i am for a reason, something did come out of living with my father , it gave me silent permission to take care of myself for the first time in my life without guilt and that is huge for me. So things are looking up on the family side finally. 20 years and thats all it took to learn. thats ok though. Right where im supposed to be right?? ? I dont have to like it... But I Do ACcept it!!!
Thanks for listening
kerry
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Life can only be understood backwards, But it must be lived forwards
(((((Kerry))) Good for you!!!!!!! I know you have been going through a hard time with your dad being sick and all, but now thats over.You did your part and much more, sacrifised alot.I am glad that you are being TRUE to yourself without any guilt , cuz you shouldn't have any.Enjoy xmas with your kids and your b/f,the heck with the rest, they don't deserve your time, you gave it your all and what for??
Way to go that you have chosen to be true to yourself instead of giving in to the guilt trip your family is trying to hang on you!!!!!
While I don't know a lot about your situation before your mom passed away, it sounds like your dad made life pretty miserable for all concerned. Too bad the rest of that family doesn't get it the way you do.
It must have been hard for you to care for him for 3 months having to put up with his abuse. I can see that YOU are on the road to recovery.
Keep being true to YOURSELF, and if the others don't ever get it, too bad for them.
Enjoy the holidays with your BF and enjoy whatever time you have with your kids.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Take your life by the horns girl and run with it :) I'm glad you aren't carrying the guilt that is always placed before you. Your Dad has choices too, he just is too stubborn to accept outside help. Maybe when he realizes you mean business he'll change his mind. Until then, he has his own agenda and can deal with it.
I hope you have the most wonderful Christmas ever!!!! It's been a long time coming.
love ya, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Sounds like you are doing really good. Keep coming back here and find a f2f meeting if you haven't already. You are on the right track.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Kerry, I was thinking about you today, and then the first thing I saw here was your post! I am so happy for you that you are willing and ready to take care of yourself. You have done your best with Dad, and I am proud you realize it's time to do your best for Kerry. Mspw
I know a similar road lies ahead for me with my 80 year old mom. Its good to read your post in prep for the day when it arrives for me (and my sister, thank god I won't have to do it alone). Its closing in fast. yikes!
