The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I posted a while back to introduce myself. Sorry - I can't remember how long ago - perhaps 3 weeks or less.
I read the posts frequently in hopes of coming across one that addresses my current situation.
My AH went into a 30-day rehab around 4 months ago. I have been separated from him for 5 months. So far, he has done wonderfully. He goes to meetings, actually gets something from them. He 'seems' to have seen the light. I've spent the weekends with him for the past 3 weeks. We have been getting along great.
However, I often wonder if he can stay sober. I know that everyone is unique. But I can't help wonder what the future holds for us. If he continues to stay on the path that he is now on, I would seriously consider returning to our home. I worry though about him starting to drink again and everything going back to the way things were for so many years. I realize that I can leave agian. But I sure don't want to go through that again.
I would think that the second time leaving is even harder than the first. I have told him that if we do get back together and he does start drinking again, I will not stay.
Has anyone felt very apprehensive about trying again once the A is sober? Now that I've written the question, it does seem a bit silly. Of course, there have been many who have felt this way. But I haven't seen any post that I can relate to.
I guess no one can relate to my current situation. I do feel so odd. It worries me about going to Al-Anon meetings. Perhaps I will not be able to relate to those at the meeting.
Feeling really odd and lonely. On the pity pot, I guess
Your question is not silly at all! After the hell most of us go through, how can we not be filled with doubt about trying again? While it is not good to immerse ourselves in the fear of "what ifs", I think some apprehension is healthy so that we may properly protect ourselves. How nice that you are spending enjoyable time with one another!
It sounds like you are letting your ah work his program and that is great. Now what is important is for you to work yours. There are no guarantees, not tomorrow, not 20 yrs from now. Thus, you owe it to yourself to get as strong and healthy as you can so that you can learn to get through one day at a time and move forward no matter what. It will help him too. It is said that the alcoholic cannot go home to an old idea. It absolutely does not mean you are at fault for the drinking in any way, but it does mean that things need to change so that the old behavior is no longer supported.
I can only encourage you to go to face to face al-anon meetings, as many as you can. Yes, every situation is unique, but our similarities are much greater than our differences.
Hang in there! It really helped me to take some time and read the stories here. Lots of experience, strength and hope to be shared! And please keep posting. I am not sure why you did not get any responses, but it certainly doesn't mean you are alone. Keep coming back!
Blessings,
Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I saw one a few weeks back that the person was moving back in and was aprehensive and then if I recall it started to go downhill but she wasn't sure if it was her or him. I know myself that I let my A move back in several times prior to this last time leaving and I guess there really is no predictor. You never can tell what someone else is going to do. I assume he will never stop permanently and that allows me to leave and know I'm doing the right thing. Sofar that has been the case and I have no regrets. I don't know your situation. I also have a friend who has an AH and they have been married almost 20 years. He relapsed once or twice in that time but has been sober for well over 10 now.
Thank you for your replies. You are right, there are no guarantees. As long as I have reservations, I best stay put in my 'hotel.' That is what I call my apartment. It doesn't feel like home. Initially, it felt like a safe haven because I knew he wouldn't be walking in the front door drunk and ready to give me hell.
Now, that he is sober and working his program, he is like he was when I first met him 30-something years ago. But will this last? No one can answer that for me. If I do return to our home in the future, I realize that I must have the courage to leave again if necessary. However, I don't want to do it a second time. I would think, and have heard, that the second time is even harder than the first.
Thanks again you two for replying and the encouragement! I really need it. I have had only 4 hours sleep last night due to staying up and preparing for my meetings (I teach special ed). I'm exhausted. Everything seems so much worse than they are.
One of my greatest regrets is that I did not get involved in al-anon prior to our life falling apart after rehab. One of the suggestions that they give in both aa and al-anon is not to make any major decisions before 6-12 months of recovery. They say that because with a program, your perspective changes even if the situation really doesn't.
My ah's sponsor was a functioning alcoholic for 32 yrs. His wife says that anyone who knew him drinking would have never thought he could be sober. Well, he woke up one morning 18 yrs ago and decided he was sick and tired of being sick and tired. He was done. He checked into rehab, diligently worked a program and hasn't looked back. He says it was the greatest journey of his life. With that, however, he and his wife say it was tough. Particularly those first couple of yrs. She told me that she just waited, with not expectations. They say there is no specific timeline, but it does get better, you just need to be willing to wait it out.
In my situation, my ah went to rehab, but it just interupted the disease and made it all tamer and more covert. After 9 months of secretly relapsing under control, he now is diligently working a program, but truly the desire may be more to retain his professional license than it is to obtain sobriety. The only thing I do know is that it is not to save his marriage, not by any stretch of the imagination.
I don't blame you for not wanting to go through the trauma of separation again. If what you are doing is working I would hang with it. Your HP has a time line for you and for your ah. Enjoy the good times! Only you know what is really right for you, and it sounds like you are headed in the right direction.
I hope you never have to feel alone again.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
