The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My H was addicted to vicodine for 2 years. It was hell. He literally went to work and slept for the last year. I was pregnant with our second. I couldn't get him to take out the trash, screw in a light bulb, nothing. The last 6 months of the addiciton he would run out of his prescription after 2 weeks and experience withdrawls monthly. This too, was very draining especially with a newborn and a 5 year old. I finally had enough and threatened to take the kids and leave. THis led to verbal abuse, suicide threat, emotional abuse. It has been a very rocky and terrible time between us. He quit and has been off the drugs for roughly 3 months. Unfortunately, addiction has been present for the vast majority of our relationship of 15 years (I am working through these issues here and in therapy). Lots of alcohol use before the vicodine. Despite being off the drugs he still drinks roughly 6-8 beers each of his two nights that he doesn't work. He is eager to re-build our marriage with the new and improved him. I don't know who he is and I can't help but wait for the other shoe to drop. He has yet to call himself an addict. He was probably secretly thrilled to discover he has ADD and depression as the drugs and alcohol use were simply symptoms. He reminds me of this often. I am not buying it. I am not optimistic about our relationship and I have definitely detached (which began long before the threat to leave). 1st, I am concerned b/c he has never admitted an addiction. I feel he only quit because of my threat. 2nd, he is white knuckling it - some therapy but no 12 steps, detox, nothing. 3rd, he still drinks. I am trying to re-build us in the healthiest manner possible but he has put it on me, blames me for my lack of communication, tells me to "get over it." I simply cannot. Not enough time has passed. I still feel a lot of emotional abuse coming from him out of his frustration that I am not moving fast enough. I have created a huge wall that seems to get thicker. He does not get this and continues to pressure me to fully commit to us. I need some advice here. I don't want to be guilty of hanging onto anger but it seems like I would need more than 3 months to heal.
You take as much time as you need to heal. Hanging on to anger is usually what we need to do to keep ourselves safe from this disease. Our anger can be useful. There a signs that he is changing, concrete evidence that you can point to and say "wow! that's different, and good" He is not displaying these signs. All he is doing is telling you he's different, that's not the same as being different. One sure sign that he's changing would be if he didn't pressure you to "get over it". That just shows that he still has no idea what his disease has done to you and the kids. What can you do? Keep doing what you need to for you, stay detatched, he is not sober if he is still drinking. Keep coming here and posting and reading and get to f2f meetings if you can. Don't let him think that you are just a player in his life. Show him you have your own life and you refuse to let your life be ruined by his nasty disease. I don't know what his having ADD and depression would have to do with anything except they are 2 things that can be medicated legally althogh, he wouldn't be advised to drink if on those meds. Your living in reality, he is not. Ofcourse you can't just say "oh you're over your addiction and all it did to destroy me and the kids? Ok, me too." As if, these A's live in the land of goofey and we don't have to live there with them. Stay strong!
The problem with addicts and alcoholics is that everything is about them! I like the saying keep your side of the street clean on this issue. You use clear communication about your feelings, you do what feels right for you and the kids and leave him to figure out his own mess. I also like the saying it's none of your business what other people think of you. What matters is how you feel and what you think of you and what's best for the kids! Do what makes you happy.
