The material presented
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to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So this is my first time posting here. I just recently found all of the Al Anon resources on the web. I have children (5) and work full time so I am pretty unable to attend conventional meetings. Me and my husband have been married for 10 years. He is an alcoholic and has been to rehab about 3 years ago. He comes from a long line of alcoholics and the family dynamics are unbelievably dysfunctional - they all support each others habits, even the parents. He has really taken a horrible turn for the worse, staying gone for days even a week at a time drinking and doing drugs. I know he stays gone because I do not allow alcohol at our house. I am at a loss as to how to get my emotions and actions together .... it is hard not to focus on this all of the time. I need help coping but I come from a pretty traditional familiy and we don't really have these kinds of issues so it is hard for them to relate although they do sympathize. I can't even think about the permanant damage all of this has done to my children. I don't even know how to make decisions about our family because I am so caught up in this that I can't see it ... if that makes any sense. How did you cope, what are the steps to recovery? What should be my first steps?
First of all, take a deep breath. I was in the same boat as you a couple of years ago. My AH would stay gone all night. Then it was all night and the next day. That turned into a few days, which in the end turned into a month. That is the longest he has stayed gone. He has always been a binge drinker. One drink and that is it, he doesn't stop until it is all gone or he passes out. I always thought this is what kept him away. Then one day he told me about the drugs (cocaine specifically). I was mortified. Had no clue. Refused to believe it. I took over the finances and was shocked yet again at what he had done to our financial situation. Destroyed it.
I knew I had to come up with a "Plan B". Something to protect myself and the kids from complete ruin. I thought about it, put the wheels in motion to get it set up accordingly and in the end, executed that plan b.
I am not saying this is what you should do....just what I did. It took me a really long time to get as far as I am and I still fall backwards sometimes. But tredging forward is the most important action you can take, whether it is to help your A get help, figure out your finances, help yourself cope and deal, help your kids. The point is, you are in the right place now to start helping yourself heal. The journey with an A has many different turns and twists with many different roads you can take. You have to decide for yourself which road is right for you and start that journey.
I agree u have alot on your plate , but if u have a child old enough to sit for the others for an hr please make time for yourself and find a meeting , you need support from people who understand where your comming from and who have been where your at . take time for you your worth the effort . There is nothing ucan do about him and your children deserve one sane parent . His drinking has nothing to do with you , your not the reason he does this , regardless of what he says . this is his problem leave it with him . I hope u take time to find a meeting f2f , they changed my life for the better and my family. and of course your post makes sence living with a practicing alcoholic ya go a little wonky eventually ,not thinking clearly , cant make a decission with a head full of him . your not alone been there done that . Get the focus back on yourself and get happy right where you are , I know it sounds impossible but it's not Al-Anon will show u how to do that . One Day at a Time . We have meetings on this site 9am and pm eastern time it's a great place to start your recovery . hope to see u there Louise
Where to start? One thing would be getting to meetings, f2f if at all possible, if not then here. Reading our literature, reading old posts here. This will start to give you an inkling that there is another way.
Then, look at your life. If you're not ready to deal with the big issues (stay or leave, murder him or run screaming into the night....) find a small one that you can deal with. Using what you learn here about accepting, about letting go, about changing the things you can, about taking care of yourself, about being the sane parent, using any or all of those, find one thing in your life that you are not happy with, and try something new. It may have something to do with the A (instead of sitting by the window crying all night when he's gone, take a valium and get a good night's sleep, say) or it may not be about him at all (a new way of approaching the homework meltdown, say). Take what you learn form this, and apply it to the next problem that is within your control.
For me, a big part of life getting better was accepting that this was the way he was - that nothing I could do would fix it. This means that, one, I was not so mad at him - it really wasn't ABOUT me, it was about him being sick. Two, I could take all the energy I put into trying to change him, and blaming myself for not being able to do it, and put it into something more useful.
My husband was a shouter, especially when drunk. He'd yell and swear, and I'd feel so sorry for myself for having to live with this noise and chaos. However, funny thing - once *I* stopped yelling, the house got quieter. It wasn't all him, after all - some of the mess we were living in was from me. I could not change his behaviour, but I could change my own.
welcome to this board. My experience is to read and learn and not make any rash decisions, unless personal safety is an issue. Alanon is a wonderful program that can help you deal with the A in your life by taking care of yourself. I feel for you with 5 kids. I have 2 and have felt very trapped by my circumstances at times. the chaos of an A is very unmanageable. take care- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Welcome to this board I can very much relate. The A I was with was gone a lot. He said he was working when he was out "using" on so many levels for years. Eventually this year he got much much worse. I hate to say this now but I have no idea where he is or what he is doing but no doubt he is still doing drugs. I certainly came here with the no idea how to move forward mode. I also had no idea how I contributed to his using. In time, over time after I had posted on here for years I started to take care of me and stopped enabling.
I have pets which I got with the A. His using definitely damaged them. They were at times starved, neglected abandoned. I took them in to my home (if you can call it a home). I cant say my animals are fine now but they are happy. I will not beat myself up for the way the A treated them. He did it. I didn't. I will also not beat myself up for having stayed with him. I had a lot of reasons to stay. I also in time had a lot of reasons to leave. Leaving was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I think the leaving began in essence as soon as I came on this board. He was either going to be sober or I would leave.
Recovery for me has been incredibly painful. I have to say these days when I do the fourth step work of looking at my part in it I don't do it with self hate. I understand how flawed I was and how that lead me to be with an A. I also understand he had many many good qualities and was loveable.
This board really helped save my life. I did not go to ftf meetings. I had gone in years past and it did not meet my needs. I have many many many issues these days. I am not scott free from leaving the A by any means. At the same time I am not obsessed with where he is, what he is doing or whether he is sober. I was for years. The alcoholism had me. I can't say alcoholism has me any more but I will be years recovering from this "excursion".
Hi, Im new here too. My husband came home today after walking off his part time job and asked fro help. He admitted his alcoholism and we have spent the day trying to get him into detox. No beds. He is sleeping next to me now having been given ativan for the tremors. Our life together is in shambles. I am amazingly proud of him for taking the first step. I am terrified that he waited this long. He has lost his full time job. We have no savings. I work full time and will get another part time job to try to make ends meet. I need advice. How do I get my family through this. I know that in the long run things will be infinitely better but what are my next moves, other than calling the detox after shift change to see if there is an available bed. Thanks
Hi, Ravenjake - get yourself to a meeting, if at all possible. You will find people who understand what you are going through, who know what it is like to love an alcoholic, while sometimes being so mad or hurt you could kill them.
He's making the first step toward his recovery - now is the time for you to start walking toward your own. One small step - any chance he could be making those phone calls himself? It really is not your job.
What many of us have found is that sobriety is as hard on us as the drinking was, (hard to believe but true) until our partners got some true recovery under their belts and started taking responsibility for their own actions. This is where alanon can be a lifesaver - you really will be starting a whole new marriage, and some parts of it you may not like. You need a program for yourself, to take the constant focus off of the A. And, in case this first attempt at sobriety doesn't 'take' (some alcoholics need many tries, before they get it) the support of alanon can help you get through relapse, without it destroying you. Welcome.
