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Why does it feel so good to blame? Can someone explain the psychology of this? Can someone explain why it feels so good to do this (even know I know it is not the right thing to do). I feel like it is almost intoxicating and therefore hard to avoid some days.
Maybe because if we own up to our part then it means we have some work to do. Maybe too we expect to do that work instantly, but that won't happen. I think the urge to blame becomes less when we learn to give ourselves a break and stop expecting perfection and instant recovery. At least that was a lot of it for me.
Anyway, take what you like.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Blame for me was definitely a learned behavior. Or rather, I learned half of it. It seemed like people in authority - parents, teachers, etc - were concerned about "whodoneit" and fault-finding. It seemed that my concept of fairness was formed around the notion that for anything bad that happened, it was somebody's fault, and therefore that person should pay for it.
I became an expert fault-finder. The best. If you screwed up, I'd nail ya.
What I missed was two things: One, the ambiguity of "fault" and circumstance that says it's rarely all on one person. As to the hypocrisy of blaming, I made up for that by being 2x as hard on myself. Blaming others sure, but I blamed myself just as often if not more so.
The other thing I missed was that all of this well-honed skill of assigning blame wasn't contributing to my well being and happiness. It really took a long time to figure that one out.
Blaming to me was so natural, I really had to think back to realize I did learn it - I wasn't born with it. I think my parents did what a lot of parents do - they said things to make me feel better, which I interpreted and took to heart in ways they didn't intend. For example, if I fell and banged my head, if my dad said "My fault!!" he knew it would make me feel less clumsy; but I literally took it on that whenever something painful happened to me, it was somebody else's fault. This person's fault. That person's fault. God's fault. Anything that hurt me, I responded with anger - at someone or something.
Of course as I grew up, and bashed my head on my car door when nobody else was within 100 feet of me, I knew it was MY fault, and the anger was turned inward on myself. I suppose by that time I no longer had anger at God, because I didn't believe in God.
Most of the time, I'm ok - but you wanna see a reversion to childhood, watch me trying to grab a stack of stuff out of the car seat and as it's all slipping out of my hands and I lunge for it I bang my head on the car door. Oh yeah, I'll use a lot of names in vain.... it's Henry Ford's fault!!!
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Great question and after some (not toooo much) reflection I remembered that blaming gave me a sense of power (not authority) over situations. Blaming also gave me the opportunity to walk that "right or wrong" tightrope. If I were right..."looka me!!" If I was wrong "well the situation looked just like the other stuff he, she, they, them, it usually did". Blame does take the focus off of me and if I was responsible I get to dose up on adrenalin until or if I am found out. Blame also was a great wagon for my unplaced and unresolved resentments also. I needed to exercise those resentments and need another person to receive the full force of them. I remember arriving at this awareness when doing one of the 4th steps. I remember blaming my alcoholic wife out of resentments for things she had nothing to do with. That was irresponsible and it didn't work either. Blame is also the "lazy man's" way of dealing with the loss of his own power to control his own life. If it doesn't come out right, "I won't investigate what happened. I just blame someone for it not coming out right."
This is a great question and just now it's provoking me to look deeper cause I starting to feel alittle anxious and guilty for how I have been compulsively taking a blame tone when reacting to my spouse. She's leaving tomorrow morn for the assembly and I won't let her get on the plane until I make some apology.
Great topic Jean and the responses from Bari, Jerry and everyone was right on - I'm here saying, yeah, me too!
These shares have been great to hear as like many do, I think it is only my faimily everyone else gets this and does it right.
We have learned over the recent years that we are all very good here at the 'blame game' and then someone finally says, it doesn't matter who is to blame, let's figgure out how to do it differently next time.
Doesn't always happen and I see the grumpy looks, accusations, and all those family ways folks practice how to get along with other people. It'd be good if the parents knew how to do it right and role model that. Sigh -I always thought it helped when I justified why - I've learned that's not true. Folks just want their pain acknowledged.
AH when drunk would really make false blames and when straightened out on that by me or kids, he'd then start throwing the ball that made others feel guilty - not fun either. I think some al anon tools should be taught in school, parenting classes, etc.
hugs from ddub
__________________
"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
Ok I was just discussing this with my grief counclior. How I felt blamed and shamed for the death that occured this summer. She couldn't figure out how I thought it was my fault. I wasn't even there, I had nothing to do with it. I was connected to it thru my mother and my kids and my best friend. I told her I understood in my head that I was not to blame but my heart felt all the blame and shame that goes with it.
I had a breakthru on Sun. I have very little contact with my mother these days. She has to blame someone for everything. She always has. SHe has blamed me for all that has gone wrong in her life from her divorce (when I was 8) to my ex and his GF stealing her credit cards this past summer. Luckly I grew up with Phil Donahue and Oprah so even though my mother would say things like "Well, maybe if you were a better kid your father would want to be here with you" I heard on TV that really, it is NEVER the child's fault. All my life I have directly, outrightly blamed for things I know weren't my fault. It is pretty powerful stuff when your parent holds you responsible for their life.
So, Sun, I let the kids go to her house for an hour (they haven't been there since Sept as she has a host of other obvious problems that manifest in the junk she collects and stuffs her house with, It is out of control now and dirty--like those people you see on TV who can't walk thru their 2000 sq ft home because of junk). She has always refused councling and when she sent me when I was 12 and was supposed to come into my session to talk about us she said "I will not. I don't have a problem, you have the problems". She went to an alanon meeting and sat and sorted coupons. Ugh, Sun, when I went to pick the kids up, her puppy had scratched my little one. Not a big deal, puppies jump and all LOVE my little one. SHe was crying and I was comforting her and my mother came over and said in a "comforting" tone " Well, we can blame your mother (me) for the puppy scratching you, she's the one who brought him here." It was nothing different than what she has always said but for some reason, I saw how sick and wrong it was. I didn't reply I just said lets go girls and we left. I should have turned to her and said "in MY family we don't blame others" but I didn't as that would have esclated the siuation. But lo and behold, there is my sense of guilt for things I have no control over. That's where it comes from! I mean, I didn't say a thing about the puppy scratching my little one. Not a word, I was simply holding my crying daughter and sympathising "I know it hurts, honey, that stinks!" And she felt the need to blame. And make it MY fault in my kids eyes. That's a whole other topic of her undermining me.
So, I am pretty sensitive and confused about placing blame. Like my last post where I wanted someone to take some responsibility for the outcome of things. It confuses me. I try not to blame others to take the focus off of myself. I look at my part. I think others have responsibility in certain things. I KNOW I am not responsible or to blame for everything. My mother refuses to take responsibility for anything. That is why she blames. That's how she justifies her not being responsible. It's their fault, not hers. If she stopped blaming then she would see that she would actually have to do something and change to make things better. Obviously that's not going to happen for her. SHe is getting sicker and sicker and I am done.
because it offers us an answer to why things are they way they are. Like other have said it is definately easier to look at someone else than to look at ourselves.... but it also offers us an easy answer as to why. For example, "why do I feel so miserable --because of my A, it's his fault, you know if he'd only....." you get the picture.
The funny thing is that we give away the only thing we have power to control, which is ourselves and our actions, by blaming others. We assign fault and also have an outcome that would be just as we'd like it to be if the other person would just "do right." We give away our ablity to be happy without even realizing it, because we are so caught up in what someone else is or isn't doing. They are to blame for our misery. But life chugs along, days go by, opportunities for joy are missed and our misery continues..... it is easier to blame others, but it just keeps us stuck in the muck.
I've often said so much boils down to choices, and that we have the ablity to choose how we want to feel or how long we want to stay in the muck. Yes we have the right to have a blame day, a miseriable "if only" stew pot day....only it's really a choice on how long we want to stay in it. (less clinical depression -- I'm talking in general so please don't be offened)
Blaming others takes the responsiblity off of us and puts it on someone else....but who are we putting it on? Someone responsible? No, someone who usually dissappoints us over and over again. So if we want to get serious about it, is not some of our misery our own doing by continuely going to someone who has repeatly let us down? The other option is look to ourselves, find other avenues to get our needs met and put the focus on ourselves.
For myself, with my A trying miserably to "control" his drinking, I find I want to stomp him into the ground, blame him for every hurt I've had -- many that he has caused and many that he hasn't-- I want to scream at him "Oh now you want to try to be sober." Shouldn't I just be jumping for joy?? shouldn't I be supportive? Isn't this what I've always wanted...yet here I am, angry, wanting to punish him, blaming him for everything. I'm making him the focus of everything. And I know it. And it's hard to be mindful that I am responsible for my happiness -- and also my misery. I have a choice...
This has been a real interesting read.. bringing up so many thoughts about the past and present in my head....
Hearing someone talk about their mother.. how they go blamed for everything... or the guilt trips...
Currently I live in an appartment upstairs in my parents home.. a two family house... and I have to limit my time spent with them because I feel the slips come back so easily when I spend a lot of time down stairs...
With my mom.. kids (3 of us) got blamed for most things.. and what we didn't we would get her saying it's her fault in a way that put a guilt trip on us.. could not see it growing up.. but see it today thanks to 4+ years in program now...
It is so easy to fall back into those old habbits... but I am working on those... and actually I am grateful for living up here and being around them so much.. Dad at 70+ is still working a full time job... and drinks from when he gets home till he passes out.. normally in bed... cause he will isolate himself in his room (their bedroom) even from mom.... and the reason I am grateful is that it gives me the chance to see things that do set off triggers and work on understanding why.. not always an easy task but once I see the trigger then I can work on me...
When I came in this program I did a lot of blaming.. the place I was working always had to have someone to point a finger at when something went wrong... but it was a group effort is something went right... but have learned an important lesson.. when I am blaming and pointing at someone... that there are three times the number of fingers pointing back at me.. and I should be looking at why it is so important that I find someone to blame... and that there is mostlikely something I have not dealt with yet that is causing this action.. I may not be able to determine what at that time.. but it gives me the chance to table it and deal with it when the time is right.. but it helps me to step back and put the finger away... and back to focusing on me.. and my serinity....
Thanks for giving a chance to give my two cents...
What a great thread. Its been pretty hard for me six seven months out from leaving the A. For 7 years I blamed him. He took responsibility for nothing of course. He blamed me. We were in a stalemate of mutual blame.
These days I take full repsonsibility for where I am. I participated in getting here.
I do hold others accountable. Blame felt very ineffective for me. I think for me it was part of raging. Raging wasn't effective for me either.
I'd like to rage at the moment because I don't feel well (the dreaded flu) I don't want to work but I have to. I am looking for work and broke. I have no one to blame of course because its just me.
As a child I got blamed for everything I was a scapegoat. I did a geographic so my famly could no longer blame me. The issue was that was my role. When I abdicated they didn't hand me another role they simply forgot about me and assigned someone else the blame!
