Welcome to the board and congratulations on taking the first step to take care of you!! That first step is so hard to take, but it is well-worth it. I am so glad that you are going to a F2f meeting on Friday. You will find alot of support on this board, but there is nothing like the support and love that you feel in a room with women (and sometimes men) who know exactly what you are going through.

As for your questions, you should not blame yourself for your AH's drinking. One of the first things that I learned in Al-Anon was the three C's--I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I sure can't cure it.

I went back on the board to find the post on detachment that you mentioned. The post that detailed what you can do to detach and help your AH is NOT Al-Anon material. It is different from the Al-Anon flyer that was referenced by another poster. The post with all the pointers had some good ideas, but in Al-Anon we do not tell each other what to do. We share with each other our experience, strength and hope so that we can learn from each other how we have dealt with similar situations.

Regardless, I do not think that the post was saying that you cannot drink and you certainly will never hear that in Al-Anon. The A drinks because that's what an A does--not because we drink or not. The A is an expert manipulator and loves to try to put all the blame on us for his/her own bad decisions and choices. Don't believe it. Some of us drink, some of us don't, but it is an individual choice. In my case, I chose to stop drinking after my AH had been sober for about 9 months and about 3 months after we separated. I made that choice for me and didn't even tell him for a year because I didn't want him to think it was all about him--A's love to think that everything is all about them. But who can blame them, we tend to make it all about them until we find our own recovery. 

Another thing that I learned when I came to Al-Anon is to "say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean."  I didn't realize that everytime I threatened to leave if things didn't change and didn't follow-through, that my AH lost what respect he had for me because I didn't back up my "threats."  What I have learned is that I can't control anyone but myself.  I can set boundaries for what I can live with, but only when I am truly committed to enforcing those boundaries.  I try not to "threaten" anymore--it doesn't work.  But what I can say is, I will not expose myself to or live with a certain behavior and if you chose to engage in that behavior, I will do "x."  Then, it is up to me to follow-through.

I can't and won't tell you what to do about the suicide talk.  I can share with you that when my AH was drinking and he felt that he was losing control over me, he played the "suicide" card alot--don't worry about me, I'm going away, I know you don't love me anymore so I won't make your life miserable anymore, don't worry about me,....endless variations on the same theme.  Obviously, only you can decide if he is a threat to himself or others and if you think he is you should call the authorities.

Finally, I understand your worry about him being homeless and suffering from the consequences of his actions like quitting his job.  But, another thing that I have learned in Al-Anon is that we can love our A's to death--literally.  It wasn't until l I finally got out of the way, quit trying to "fix" my AH and let him face the consequences of his actions, that he finally got help and started to get better.  I had to let him go and let him fall.  It was the hardest thing I have even done, but nothing changes if nothing changes.
 
Hang in there and keep coming back.  This program saved my life--physically, mentally, and spiritually.  There is hope!! 

Hello and welcome!!  Also give that cute baby a hug!!!

Ok believe me this is all alcoholic disease symptoms and effects. No one can make someone use or make them stop. Even if you put a funnel in their mouth or put the needle in yourself, you cannot do it.

You cannot give someone cancer, MS, CP, or any other disease.Your AH is being driven by a horrible disease.
It is so much more than using drugs. They can quit using,but they have so much more that needs to be looked at. A Cancer patient cannot just stop smoking for instance. It takes so much more.

Using is a symptom of the disease, as is manipulation,lieing, self absorbed, selfish, thoughtless, getting dui's, losing jobs, etc. So to just stop drinking is like withholding water from yourself. Sooner or later you will have to drink water. Sooner or later you will use again.

AA cannot help unless they are ready to say they are done with the whole disease, they want to stop so badly, knowing they cannot do it alone they get to AA or to detox,rehab then AA todo the 90 meetings in 90days.

A's need a "program of recovery." This is basically a map for them to go by that fits for them.

Ex: do not use today, call sponsor even when you might think you do not need it, be honest, listen to your heart, face lifes obstacles head on and not use them away,do not drive drunk,go to work everyday, go to meetings regularly, as many as you want, one a day or five a day.think about others, ask others how they are, help others, volunteer yourself, read lit. talk to your hp.

This map is each A's individual program. With out it, they are fighting using every moment, usually very crabby and still lieing,selfish, and more.

Alanon helps US to leave their A situation alone to them. It is NONE of our business.Our business is to work on our own health. Our business is to care about us and not to allow the disease to draw us in.

If we can learn detachment and not engage in their insanity,sometimes we can detach so well we can just love them and hate the disease, and also become completely non affected by the disease.

I always recommend getting your self and possibly kids in order. Have your own income, vehicle,house in your name, do not sign anything with the A. So all you have to lose if the disease is attacking, is your A.Which is a lot but nothing like losing him, home,income, car, food etc. And believe me if we do not help ourselves, we will be drug into the pit too.

Their disease is their own. They want to stop, they feel more guil than you ever will. So if you set yourself up to be ok, that helps them to not feel so guilty for what THEIR disease does to you honey.

I have never in all my years seen that squeaky clean thing. If anything I would take it as, do your best to take care of you, that being don't engage  in the A diseases outbursts, do not allow the disease to keep you home when you have a family reunion to go to....

I don't like that squeaky thing at all. Toss it. (c:

As long as you drinking does not hurt anyone including you, you are not A, then occasionaly drinking for pleasure is ok.I can see what made you not want to drink in front of A. My A said it did not matter as his program was his. And nothing I could do would make him use.

I have experienced most all A's use suicide as manipulation,also use it as their way of saying they hate the way their life is.

And they do, they hate it, they hate themselves,the disease is horribly powerful honey. They say they want to quit, they mean it. They say they don't want to lie, they mean it.

analogy, a diabetic wants to not go off their structured diet, they mean it, they want to exercise, they mean it.But the disease messes with their minds, they are human and very sick. they cannot always control things.

As far as homeless, shaking head here. Sometimes, all too often, they have to lose everything to get so desperate, they finally go to get help,one their own.And more times, they lose everything, then end up in a hospital, in a bed at your house,dieing and still craving what they use.
I LOVE A's. With all my heart. I could cry right now. I am....sigh. They are humans who have a horrible disease, they are our spouces, children, friends, family, bosses,doctors, mailpersons, checkers, neighbors, bros and sis's in alanon and in our spiritual familyand more.
My lovely AH told me all the time,Aism does not descriminate.

I know another disease that does not either. Cancer.My wonderful,funny,loving, healthy, mother who never used, never smoked, never cussed, ended up with a tiny dot of breast cancer. was only sixy four, looked early fifty, naturally beautiful.died two years from diagnosis.did she choose it? she did not have ONE reason to have it.

A's are BORN with markers in their dna that predispositions them to being an Addict.the more markers the more chance of them developing the disease. Just like being born with Downs Syndrome, little people, etc.NO one chooses it.

Now some, lets say use in high school.Then they get oh thirty get married and just stop.It is a behavior they can change. It is not part of their innate dna.

Same with being gay. There are markers that make you gay. NO one chooses to be gay. BUT some choose to do gay behavior. For a lark or experimenting,confusion etc.

geez i do go on.....I am very passionate about this. I am 54, an old flower child/earth mother type vegie. grew up in the sixties, watched as  my friends used, watched my friends die of Aids, watched my friends A disease tear their lives apart, then helped them with their dieing.

Lost my first husband to aism when he was killed in a pedestrian accident, watched him die, twenty seven, beautiful boy,funny, so loving to our kids who were toddlers.

Remarried eighteen years later, a man I loved all my life. he was many years sober, cool guy,played guitar like it was part of him, gentle,loved animals, adored me,spoiled me.AA sponsor, moderator at meetings, strong program. found a brain tumor,surgery, woke up someone else,medical relapse, brain damage. I worked sooo hard to not lose him. MIP saved me.I longed for time with him.He would leave to use at his mothers. I would drag himback.

Would stay months, then weeks then days then no more. He became horribly abusive horribly. I had no more time left with him. becuz of alanon I had the opportunity to be with him,on my strong program, every moment until he was completely gone. Not a tiny bit of him left.

Twice when he left he tried to die,od'ed on Heroin,paramedics got him back. so yes they do try,could I ever stop it,no.

honey they are the keenest on hiding things, they can use right next to you and you will not know. NOTHING you do will cause or not cause anything.nothing.

If we choose to leave or go, it will have NO Impact on their using. That is why it is vital we take care of us. so then we can make wise decisions, so we can protect us from the disease, not from our A, the disease is at fault now our loving A.
Hey some A's are butts.I mean they are not nice people. Some people with cancer are not nice people.

Ok in saying that,pass me the duct tape for my mouth.

We all love you here in our Alanon way.You are already part of us. Keep coming back.

It is a safe place here. Hey I recommend the book,"Getting Them Sober" by
toby rice drew. I think that is the author. Too lazy to get up to look! I find them in used books stores and online.

OH and the first one is the best one.

hugs,debilyn in Oregon,

Hello Mambo and welcome , first the article on detachment was not Al-Anon literature  some points were great but like u said confusing , here is a summation of our detachment pamphlet

Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused in the name of anyones recovery.
Not to do for others what they can do for themselves.
Not to manipulate situations so others will eat, go to bed, get up ,pay bills, not drink .
Not to cover up for anyones mistakes or misdeads.
Not to create a crisis.
Not to prevent one if it is in the natural course of events .
You are not the reason he drinks . period
we have a part in this mess to be sure but nothing we do is going to cause another person to drink . were simply not that powerful .  Louise