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I went to my second f2f meeting this weekend (a beginners class) and they were discussing different slogans. I am struggling on how I can apply this to my life. They discussed how we should take care of ourselves. They also discussed how we should keep an open mind and not project certain outcomes on a situation. How do you get to that point? So much of my time is spent trying to think ahead to contingency plans. Ex, what if my AH is drunk when I get home? I have to have 2 different kids to 2 different locations at the same time. How will I accomplish this IF he is drunk and can't help out with the driving? He has a history. He has a pattern. How can I NOT project the typical outcome? Or do I just assume that he will ALWAYS be drunk and just arrange a carpool? But if he IS sober and I've arranged a carpool, how do I answer the question "why did you set that up? I could have driven them?" <sigh> And if I am essentially a single parent in this respect, HOW DO I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF?????
I'm struggling. Thanks for listening and thank you for your thoughts.
These are questions I constantly ask myself steadfast. Like you, I must have a contingency plan in place, and I must consider all the possibilities and angles.
You idea of "assuming" is what I would probably end up doing if I had young children. Making other arrangements for their transportation is perfectly reasonable since you never know what your A's condition will be. Your answer to his question of why you didn't ignore the possibilities and depend on him to drive is simple: "You are undependable, so this is the way I am handling it." Not letting him drive the kids is a boundary you have set, not for him, but for YOU. When you set it, you must keep it. And I think this is a reasonable boundary.
We all struggle with these issues daily where the A is drinking or not.
Take care of you means that you and your children come first. Sometimes we must leave the A to his higher power and look after ourselves and our little ones.
Take good care,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Steadfast, the slogans didn't make a lick of sense to me in the beginning, I have to say. So much did not make any sense. Do not worry if the pieces do not seem to fit or make sense right now, just keep going. For me, there were many contradictory things about al-anon (there still are some, for me, that I struggle with) in the beginning. But I kept on going and it was like something unseen that happened without me even knowing it- I began to feel a little bit better and a lot less traumatized after around 7 months and my behaviors are just beginning to change a tiny bit after a year and a half. I no longer weep all the time, I no longer feel tortured or victimized all the time. I feel pretty good most days.
I think just being with others who understand is part of it. Also, the unconditional love is part of it. Those two pieces really led to healing for me.
So you do not need to get too involved in figuring out the details yet, just keep getting into the bathtub of it, I guess. You will not regret it. The tools will come if you just keep attending and keep listening and keep coming here, too. hugs, J.
It seems confusing at the moment, but I promise if you work this program, the skills will get easier to apply. I had for years considered myself a single parent with an extra child to take care of (the A). Now I realise that I did neither of us a favor by treating him like a child.
I have learned from the advice of several on this board to look at actions not words for my reality. Example, the A says I will be home for dinner at 6:00, but history shows that 90% of the time he doesn't come home til 9:00. What he says is the fantasy. What he does is the reality, and is not a projection. So I can safely assume that at 6:00, the kids and I will eat alone. The taking care of me part is putting dinner on the table at 6:00, not making me and the kids wait until all hours of the night to eat our dinner. The not treating him like a child part could be putting dinner away when we are finished and not leaving it out so I get stuck cleaning up after him at 10:00 at night. It's not like he has a legitimate reason for being late. He is a full grown adult, and he can fend for himself for dinner.
As far as the A's response, I do not need to be responsible for how he feels either. Of course he will be mad or upset, he has been acting like an a$$, expecting everyone to cater to him. I have just explained to him in a nonaccusing way that the kids and I will no longer wait dinner on him as it is not fair for us to have to wait and eat so late. END OF DISCUSSION. I will not fight about it. He is free to throw a tantrum if he chooses. (My AH is reading this and nodding and chuckling. He has 20 months in the program and 99 honest days sober.)
Anyway I hope this has helped. Recovery just takes time. Be gentle with yourself and easy does it.
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
Thanks for all of your responses! It has cleared up some things for me. So, I am not projecting by making contingency plans based on his typical patterns. It is simply a way to take care of myself and my kids.
Jen, it really IS like having another child! But at least with my children I have some authority. I don't feel like I have any authority with my AH. I know I can't make him do anything. I guess that is where learning to set boundaries will help me. However, I have to decide what I will put up with and place the boundaries there. That sounds simple, but I'm sure it is not . . .
I also like what you said not being responsible for his feelings. I need to keep that in the fore front of my mind. I think it will help me deal with things better.
