When will I learn? - Al-Anon Family Group

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

When will I learn?

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

I don't have an answer for you Nancy but I am listening and can relate to the frustration of doing the same thing again and again. My automatic behavior is to not take care of myself, get sleep deprived and therefore depressed. I held all my anger inside and learned slowly to let it out after a few uncontrolled outbursts. For me, I have to encourage myself to express my anger at all and if I do, it is early when I can talk about it pretty calmly & straight forward. I have always been able to walk away from folks who are loud and angry as I have done that since I was a wee child. Now standing my ground to an angry person out of control, I'd rather walk away so maybe I should work on that some.

Hoping by my opposite experiences you can see something that might bring you hope. Progress not perfection so maybe the answer is we will never learn to do anything completely but we can keep growing. You got this to all work out and end with a hug...... sounds like great progress to me.

hugs, ddub

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

hi n, yes I wonder about this also. All I can say is that we did not get this way overnight and we cannot change overnight either. I sometimes wonder if I am capable of change. But I have noticed some slight changes such as: I never thought I had any control over changing my expectations and I have found that yes, indeed I can change my expectations. I thought they were hard wired. Now I know they are not. I can adjust them. This alone gives me hope. I have found that I can work on internal things right now but not the external things like interactions/actions in conversations with others not so much. That will come later, I think (I hope).

I have been frozen for so long and it will take time for me to thaw out. Its tremendously hard for me to keep myself under control. I self-sabotage like crazy all over the place and its so frustrating when I have goals I want to achieve.

I sometimes wonder why I love this person/these people. They are horrible. They were nice like for a part of a year a really long time ago. Whats up with this??!! I know its a disease. I know I have no control but I still want to take control and try...I wonder if I will ever lose the desire to try to control or think I have control. That will be a day of celebration, if I do ever achieve this.

I almost got into a huge fight at work a couple of weeks ago and managed to get myself under control in the nick of time. I really almost blew it. In hindsight, it was only this program that pulled me back from that brink. This program somehow stuck a bit of a wedge into my awareness so I could step away and check myself. This is huge for me. But if I would have been PMSing or something, its just as possible I would have gone ahead!! I just never know. I still have to go by the hand of HP and he is running the show. If I am meant to mess up my job as part of HP's plan for me, so be it. If he is going to bring to being jobless, he must have another gig coming down the pike! Work is filled with landmines. So is marriage. Only place that isnt is here and in my al-anon groups!!

DT1221 · Member

Hello! I know how you feel wondering if you will get to the point of responding instead of reacting. I am working on this too and sometimes when i least expect it I actually do the right thing. recently I got very very very angry at a co worker and I actually found myself in my internal rage not saying anything and I say there and in my head I said " what are you so mad at?" and my answer came to me so quickly I was amazed. I was upset that he was not giving me the credit I felt I deserved. And it was a great feeling to figure that out so quickly. Unfortuneltly or fortunately I said nothing to him but I was able to calm down rather quickly when I realized the anger was about what I expected from him. Which was a slight insanity thing since I KNOW how he is. Selfish and self centered. I had no right expecting something different than he is. So my short coming of the entire issue was that I did not speak up for myself which is what I deal with since I lay down most times as a doormat and let others walk all over me. But with that said i do see progress in my recovery. Without Al anon I would never had realized my part in the anger that day and that my expectaions are what let me down the most. I am sure on some level I let others down also without knowing it and sometimes with knowing it. but we are all progress not prefection and we sometimes need to take in the little bit of progress and not focus so intently on the mishaps we have. We all are human and allowed to have an off moment. TOtherwise we would not be here.

May everyone start their beautiful day with a smile in their heart and an angel on thier shoulder.:)

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((((((((Nancy)))))))),

By chance were you channeling me? I find I have to use my tools more times at work than at home. I need to keep some of my meditations in my tiny locker because there are days I need them. I do keep my coin in my pocket to rub when situations get tense. That seems to help. I try and remind myself resentment is wasted energy that I should be focusing elsewhere. Progress not perfection my friend. Hang in there.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

round3 · Senior Member

Jean4444 wrote:

I sometimes wonder why I love this person/these people. They are horrible. They were nice like for a part of a year a really long time ago. Whats up with this??!! I know its a disease. I know I have no control but I still want to take control and try...I wonder if I will ever lose the desire to try to control or think I have control. That will be a day of celebration, if I do ever achieve this.

Truer words have never been spoken. I relate to every syllable here. I find myself displacing A LOT of anger lately. A LOT. I LOVE my co-workers (yes - at 45, I finally have a job that I LOVE my co-workers), but I was confronted (in a loving way) by one of my most favorite co-workers yesterday. He said that I'm not as nice as I used to be, and for the first time since I've known this co-worker (over a year), I honestly upset him and ticked him off. I would never mean to do that - and I felt so bad. My behavior has me questioning myself these days. I don't want to be the person that everyone hates to see coming. And I'm terrified that my displaced anger (at my A) is coming out sideways ALL OVER THE PLACE. Is my A worth all of this? Like Jean pointed out, he was nice for a period of time several years ago - so what's up with this?!?!?!?!?! I wish I understood. I'm so glad this board exists. I'm finally understanding that I'm truly not alone.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

R3 when you have an answer, let me know, ok?!! lol!

Seriously, I love my program, I love the people in it but there are days when I wonder- why are we all working our butts off to make lemonade out of lemons? I guess I used to believe that if I dumped this A, I would just go out and find another one. Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn't, I don't know. Then there are days when I think- I do not want to be with ANYONE after all that I have been through; so OK, it would not be so bad to have a little house with a nice pet and just live my days out alone and super simple- no trauma and drama, no stress, etc. Sometimes I question all my effort to enforce happiness where there just isn't any...I mean my A treats me like crap most of the time. And if I leave him he will just go out and find someone else who he will do the same thing to. Its just the same sad cycle over and over. All I can say is that I sure am glad that I did not have any kids with this man. I thank my lucky stars about this.

But I love my program and my people in this program and this is helping me in many other ways besides just in dealing with the A, it is helping in my work and with my friends and my sister, etc. I am learning a lot about myself and I am learning to let people in a little and trust a little, etc. Its all good. But its getting easier and easier to seriously consider just dumping this loser hose bag of a husband. He is fitting in less and less with my party.

round3 · Senior Member

Jean - you have a window into my world, don't you? I cannot begin to tell you how many times I've thought - I'll just live out my life alone. I've got the little house and the pet and I don't need drama and stress. I love my A BF, but I'm getting too old for all this drama. I thank God EVERY DAY that we didn't have children. But, oh how I used to think marrying him and having his baby would be such a dream. He's a WONDERFUL human being, but he hates himself so desperately. I can't fix that - and his only solution is to numb it. And the rollercoaster starts over. I also realize that for some reason, women line up for this type of guy. I always justify my attraction/attachment to him by saying that I've know him 30 years, and knew the guy he was before the alcoholism ripped his mind/body/life apart. (But even that justification is wearing thin.) But he's the MASTER manipulator and gets what/who he wants. There are days when all I want is him, and there are days when I think I would be better off alone. Problem is - I'm caught between both worlds right now. Thank God for Al-Anon. I'm learning (once again) to take care of myself first and serenity will come.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.