the next holidays - Al-Anon Family Group

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

the next holidays

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Yes, this is my 3rd christmas without my AH. Its really hard. Also, like you, I am in a place where I literally have no one around- no family, no real friends. I, like you, work a lot and attend school so all my time is taken up, just like you describe. Its really pretty impossible to make any friends when you feel like crap half the time and every single hour of every single day is occupied with either sleeping, commuting, work/school or doing things like your laundry, etc. I live in a very very beautiful part of the world (Hawaii) and do I ever have time to go to the world class beaches around here?? No way. I feel lucky if I can sneak in an extra hour of sleep- that is living it up for me!!! The other lucky indulgence I have is attending my al-anon meetings which I know I would be dead without. I rent a room in a small house which is hard, too.

At this time of year, I would love to cook and bake. My AH loved that I did this also. It was one of the few things that we could agree on/not fight about. I liked living in a larger house. I liked having a small yard. I liked it when we would come home after a long hard day and have a meal together- sit down and eat a simple meal together. Now I do not even have a kitchen.

These are all things I can get back some day. Someday I will have a kitchen again and a yard, if I choose to pursue that.

When I look back my whole life has been a series of gains and losses. I have lost so much and gained so much and lost it all only to gain it back; it all comes and goes it seems- so if I can look at a larger pattern, that helps me a lot. So , yeah I am at a low point now but next year or the year after I will be in better place, I just know it and can feel it. This is just one christmas out of 44 I have experienced so far. I have no one to spend it with. I have no idea what I will do. But I bet there are others out there like me. Thanksgiving last year I spent with the women and kids of my DV survivors group eating KFC. It was one of the best thanksgivings of my life. I will never have another one like that, I bet. I would not have traded it for any other thanksgiving in the world but I did not plan it, it just happened to work out that way. It was HP all the way on that one. this year, thanksgiving was not so good. It was OK but it was all planned, etc. etc. and it was just lifeless. I was with my sister and her family but I felt like the 3rd wheel, the constantly weird aunt who shows up alone to everything all the time...I am sick of it. I decided I will not set myself up with them and than scene again.

People say: go to a soup kitchen, well I tried that once too and it was OK but to be honest at this point I prefer to just stay home in little room in my jammies and sleep and read books. Its sad. I have no idea what to do and sleep sounds the most appealing to me.

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

"stay home in little room in my jammies and sleep and read books."

I dunno, that doesn't sound sad, it sounds great!

MIDGET · Veteran Member

Just remember your HP doesnt close doors without opening windows.
Id say try and get out of the house.When Im broke ,I hang out at the library.They have videos,books (duh !!) and internet.I take my kids.They love it!! Ill lose myself in a book with no problem. Ill also go to the thrift stores.Youll be amazed at the stuff people give away.And it feels great to get a $75 pair of jeans for $5.Sometimes you have to make time for something you like to do.I know its hard.But you have to do something besides sleep and work.I have 2 kids,watch my sisters son after work,take care of my handicapped Mom ,have an active A,and I work full time +..Im off on Friays and tht is my day to go out and do my grocery shopping and whatever else I want to do.Usually its booked w other peoples appts,but sometimes I get time to do what I want.
Good luck,keep coming back
Midget

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

sleeping and reading books is fine for a day or two. Beyond that, its depression (for me).

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, we are all in this together! This will be my 3rd Christmas since my AHsober said I am outa here and I don't love you, never did. I think that isolation is the killer. It gives us time to think those negative thoughts. I am not there but I have a strategy. I change my routine. I drive home on a different route. I talk to different people. I watch different TV shows. I call anyone and everyone (especially those on the Alanon list). I read, don't read, clean, don't clean. I took up knitting and quilting (so not my thing but it helps). I put my applicaiton in for a couple of jobs. I have my sad, sad, moments. But I have to trust the process. They say when I got busy I got better. And fake it until you make it. I am faking happiness big time but I have to trust the process of asking for my HP's will for me.

In support,
Nancy

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

so inspiring N, thank you for your precious post! bless your heart.

ddub · ~*Service Worker*~

I have smaller times of isolation with kids around still but I have been
encouraged to try to volunteer to offset the isolation. It is hard to commit to
times when depressed or not able to get out of bed but volunteer work usually tries to schedule more help than needed sometimes so if you don't make it, it is not that you will be fired. I want to volunteer as part of a group job, and be up front with them that it is tentative but if I can, I will be there.

Here in our area there is an online United Way voluteer notice of help needed from helping kids shop at "free store" to select small gifts for their parents, or wrapping gifts for others etc etc. Just a thought that might be useful at this time of year.

I have in the long ago past, chose a puzzle and tv movie for myself which can be great, rather than a family gathering sometime so I can relate.

hugs, ddub

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Use that phone list , and find someone to go for coffee with or to a movie . Get to as many meetings as possible surround yourself with people who love you and care about you , al anon friends will do that for you .
You could use that phone list to phone members and invite them to a pot luck lunch , it's cheap and it's fun . we only gotta do this one day at a time .
Stay focused buy yourself a nice xmas present . check out the local alano club if there is one in your area there are meetings morning noon and nite over the holidays , it is a rough time for alot of people. Meetings this time of yr are open to all . Hang in there your gonna be just fine . Louise

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank god I have 3 kids! Christmas is never lonely! This will be my first one without the A and I am looking forward to it. Not forward to his pleading to join and guilt tripping but forward to the peace and quiet of not dealing with an addict!

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

ftf meetings at Christmas are particularly hard for me. I feel the loss of my family of origin really acutely. I dont' know why meetings are so hard for me at that time of year. I will have to steel myself and try to reach out. If I can't bear it just go outside and come back in. I just find it very triggering when people talk about being grateful for their families. Mine were so so abusive and mean.

I have not spoken to the A for a week. That helps. I resent deeply he never helped me at all. he did not come out to look for my dog but ran off with the insurance money. I know where his priorities always were. I cannot understand why he does not care about his dogs at all.

I am looking for work to tide me over. That is hard. Every bit of me wants someone to come rescue me and that is such a dangerous place to be.

Maresie.

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