The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I heard from a girlfriend I talked to on the phone today that the first big snow storm of the season was hitting back home. So, I texted my AH "snow?" and got nothing back.
I know I cannot control him in any way but what is so hard about responding to something as pure and simple as this? What does he have to lose? How hard could it be? I mean c'mon, give me a break!! Its just a sweet little thing, isn't it? He and I used to go out walking in the first big snow of the season...we are separated but hope to reconcile (at least that was what the plan was, the last I heard from him).
I know I cannot hope to rely on him. I know I cannot expect a single thing from him. Not a single thing whatsoever- what is the point?! Ok, I will only do a teeny weeny bit of self pity for just a few minutes here... then I will pull my brain out of my butt and keep on keepin' on. thanks for reading. J.
I can remember those feelings so well.. when I moved out of the house.. and my wife kept telling me we are going to work thru this... we just need the time apart.. . well sorry to say it never got worked thru.. it started with not answering the emails... or phone messages... then she changed the number... and here we are almost 5 years later still trying to get the divorce final.... in part because she still cannot talk to me because of her own resentments... and not working on her own alcoholic/addict issues... it took me over a year in program to finally accept that I could do nothing about her attititude.. and that I could not fix a marriage without her wanting to fix it also... accepting that was hard.. but am greatful to say that today I have moved on.. and can see the nasty comments and rude behavior is just part of her being sick and not dealing with her own issues... and that I have to continue to work on mine to keep the resentments down on my part.. and not let her attitude steal my peace...
I wish you luck.. I have seen seperations work and the families recover... but all we can do is turn it over to our HP and work on ourselves...
Same stuff happened to me too. When ex moved out it was so she could "find herself". But was supposedly just a "trial" seperation. She would constantly send me mixed messages, or at least I took them in a mixed up manner..lol.
She would say to me things like, "Don't worry, it is all going to be okay..it will work out" and of course I interpreted that to mean that our marriage was going to be okay and that our relationship would work out.
I see those statements differently now, and realize that they were absolutely the truth, just not the truth I wanted them to be at the time.
Everything is okay for me today. And everything is working out!
That "trial" separation worked out so well we just kept on staying separated and have been divorced for nearly 3 years now.
How your situation will work out will be unique to you of course. And like Nightwatcher said, sometimes those separations work out for the good of a relationship's survival and sometimes they confirm that perhaps it is time to move on.
Either way, we grow and learn from it if we so choose. And we can become better people for it, living better, happier lives.
I still miss some things about the A. There are some weekends I am immersed in grief. Thanksgiving was really hard. I still miss seeing him after work. I miss cooking, cleaning, doing laundry at our house. I miss living with him. I do not miss his alcholism however and he was not willing to do anythiing about it. His alcoholism nearly destroyed me. I know it certainly destroyed our financial life and more.
I don't miss his drug dealing friends either. I certainly don't miss any of them. I don't miss his family either. There are some things to be grateful for. I can remember always being exasperated with him. I can remember always feelng short changed I can also remember I'm reminded this week that there were times that my commitment meant I did everything, simply everything and that was never acknowledged by him.
I feel for you. I think its important to work through what comes up when it does.
"I too thought....why can't he even exhibit the smallest recognition of what I'm saying to him or respond in kind to the affection I'm gving him. I use to cringe when people in program would say the disease was incapable of love. I knew times when I had been/felt loved by my ex. No one could tell me that I had imagined this or that the look in his eyes hadn't been real and mean't for only me. As the disease progressed I saw only glimpses of the man I had married and I waited anxiously for them - always hoping. "
Wow - this is the first time I've seen someone else address this. This is what's going on with me. I've noticed a distinct "cooler" approach that my A BF has with me. When questioned, he acts genuinely confused (even hurt) that I would questions his love for me. He even asked me once if he was different than he used to be (yes!). It's like his senses have become permanently numbed. Where he used to have some sense of passion or urgency about me, there is now a kind of passive affection. And I'm always the one extending my hand first. I deserve better. I had not correlated the escalating alcoholism with this behavior before. Makes sense, though.
and have been divorced for nearly 3 years now.