The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am a mom I think my husband has a drinking problem but im not sure...he doesnt drink everyday sometimes for weeks but when he does he is angry usually towards me and has gotten worse over the years and now i am physically sick when i know he is going to go out with his friends because i dont know if he is ok or getting arrested or driving drunk or in a fight..then when he does comehome i try to pretend i am sleeping because i dont want him to fight with me but now has gotten to where he will wake me up to fight or throw things etc...hasnt hit me..yet...my children are in their teens and now have found him passed out naked a couple times or have heard the fighting and i am not financially ok to take my kids and just leave him..i dont even know if i want to try to make things work anymore with my husband because i have so much resentment i even hate him sometimes...my life is hinged on how his day is going or what kind of mood he is in i am always worried especially when the weekend comes because i know he wants to go out and get drunk...i have tried to tell him not to drink hard liquor only beer which doesnt work because beer gets him drunk too but he will pass out usually thank god...or he just does it behind my back and still comes home angry or he fights with me trying to tell him what to do..the latest thing i have tried was letting him do what he wants just to not come home that night to stay at a friends because i cant take it...he is angry with that also and now just tells me he will do what he wants..he pays the bills not much i can say anymore...i feel like a sitting duck just waiting to be gunned down..i have no peace in my life even when there are ok days because i never know when major things are going to happen with him and his temper..i am just so tired of life and i am ready to make a change...started to look online came to this read some of the posts thought maybe it was a good place to start...i noticed detaching was a common thing said on the posts...i want to detach and feel like a person again and just have regular problems like regular people but i dont know how to do that when i cant leave my house i have no money and 2 kids that need me to provide a home for them...please help if u can give me a starting point..wow i can say actually feels good i just typed out all this...lets see if i have the nerve to post it
Well done just and welcome to mip . It doesn't matter how much or how often your husb drinks what matters is how it affects you when he does . Only he knows if he is alcoholic and until he says that what he is doing is causing him a problem IT ISN"T it's causing you a problem and Al-Anon will h elp u put this into perspective and answer all those questions I know u have rolling around in your head . :) Your not the reason your husb drinks nothing u do or say will stop him ,this is his problem leave it with him . Tears don't work , threats don't work , unltimatums don't work he simply dosen't see what it's doing to his family. Please find a Al-Anon meeting in your area u need support from people who understand exactly how u feel . here is the toll free number *international * 1-888-4alanon Absolutley nothing will change until someone changes . some one has to stop playing the sick games that come with this disease . good luck glad u posted h ere today . Louise
Welcome to MIP, and congratulations for having the courage to take care of yourself.
Many of us have been exactly where you are, that is what makes this fellowship so special. The resentements, the anger, the helplessness and fear... we have been there. We understand and you are not alone anymore.
I only have a moment, but wanted you to know we are here and care. Keep posting, keep coming back... and if you can, find some face to face meetings in your area. Living with active alcoholism in your home is more than most can deal with on thier own. This program is for you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hi Justme,so so glad you found us.That is what this sanctuary is for, we are soooo glad when new ones come in.
Makes me happy that you may find some hope here, and may sound corny but, in Al Anon there are miracles.
I started as a wife of a man I dearly loved who relapsed after years becuz of a surgery.My life like you share of yours was totally awful.
Now after years and needing more and more of Al Anon,I am free of daily horror of it all.
You have done the first step,saying you are powerless over the disease of Alcoholism. You had the courage to send your post. That is so cool.
On top of living with an A you are "enjoying" those wonderful teen years with your kiddos!
I would like to invite you to get a book that has helped so many, "Getting Them Sober." It is simple to read, as who needs more stress trying to read a thick hard to "get" book? I think it is Toby Rice Drew? Someone will correct me.
That book was my foundation of understanding, then the Al Anon skills came and it took as long as it did to bring them to my life.
For me, my experience, I wanted out of the pit too. It takes time, and change. I got what I could in my own name. Made sure I had a vehicle in my name, loans in my name only. Did not sign anything with him anymore. I made it so we had no ties to each other anymore, as best as I could, that would not drag me into the Alcoholics pit.
I made it so I had my own income. Stuck cash away,not spending one dollar bills or quarters. I still save them.
Just making small changes that I felt helped me, made things feel better. You know like when ya start exercising, the first walk makes ya feel better?
When my A was abusive, throwing things, saying horrible things, I would get into my car and leave.
It is up to you to figure out how to remove yourself from his abuse. I mean only you know what you can do. Get the kids and go to mom's for the night. Take the kids and go for a walk. Have your own locked door room with access to get out.
I always suggest having a plan to get out if you have to.Money, keys, cloths,address book etc in case we have to get out fast. They may take our purses and or keys. Have a neighbor who is willing to allow you to come there at all times for sanctuary during an emergency.
As far as detaching, for me what works is to hate the disease that has taken over my loved one. They do not choose to be an addict. I love my A.
Then after awhile we learn not to take the horror personal as it is a disease making them act that way. No different than if he/she had brain cancer making them insane.
However when my A's disease was acting out, it was like my AH was not there. It was the disease who takes over. I refused to do what the disease wanted, to drag me in and play.
I would say to bs, you must be right. NEVER arguing, not taking it to heart, that is hard I know. I would go for a drive, go take a shower, then go to bed.
Never engaged anymore with the disease. In time the disease does not bother anymore.
Number one is keep you and kids safe. When we focus on OUR Needs and our survival, we do not think of the disease bs anymore. That is the A's problem. We can do nothing anyway. I quit even thinking or talking about it, it was a waste of my time.
Sometimes the A disease gives up and we come to a place we can be almost comfortable together. But the disease is always getting worse hon. Same story, different people.
The disease makes them sicker and sicker. Even if they go on program and stop using and work on the disease obstacles, if they use again,they will go right back to where they were when they quit.
The key is to let go of the disease part. For me I really leaned to ignore it and enjoy my A,and when it was abusive, I did what i said above.
There are great meetings here,if you like someone will post times, and where to go.
I encourage you to find your local Al Anon face to face meetings. They are invaluable to help us in our recovery. We all feel afraid at first. I always say too, new ones help us all. We all have something to give.
When we share with each other it enforces our own program.
Well you did have the nerve to post it....congradulations!! Did you start of at the right place? Congradulations again...2 out of 2 is 1000% especially for the spouse of what appears to be a practicing alcoholic. Your story sounded almost exactly like mine when I got to the Al-Anon Family Groups. Some differences and my alcoholic was female; my wife. But recovery is not about focusing on differences. It is about recognizing similarities and knowing that you are around family who have gone thru what you are going thru now and about finding away out the the trouble.
There is soooo much to learn. You can't get this all at one time cause you didn't get where you are at over night. Sooo again you can take baby steps, take what you like and leave the rest for later and consider the suggestions that come from recovering members experience, strength, and hope an allow it to work for and with you. First off we are a 12 step (from the 12 steps of AA) and 12 tradition spiritual program. We are not religious and still we work this program religiously (daily, with patience, persistence, open mindedness, trust, hope and tons of faith.) We get an understanding of a power greater than ourselves that helps to support and sustain us while we come from, pass thru and continue on in recovery. Some people call their higher power HP (that's simple) and other call their HP, good orderly direction or God or Akua or whatever their understanding of HP or God is. We talk with others about where we are at and where they have come from and we ask for help and feedback regarding those experiences. We get humble (teachable) and we get the courage to practice stuff we don't know might work for us and learn has worked for others. We learn not to do again the stuff we did that didn't work! We learn stuff that works for others under similar conditions and we get the courage to change. - Whew - Actually this is a simple program but not easy. It works when you work it and your life changes for the better. We don't round up our alcoholics and haul them off to camp or hold them under the Chinese water torture. We don't use electrict shock treatment on them nor do we look over their shoulder taking inventory of what they are or are not doing...actually we try to leave them alone during the time the disease of alcoholism is raging and we attach ourselves to this program and the people in it who are doing well. We detach because we cannot help things get better. We only make things worse with wonderful intentions. It has been said in recovery that "The road to hell is paved with good intentions."
So you have 2 out of 2...marvelous!! Try reading with patience more of the post here. Then go to your local phone book and in the white pages look to see if you can find the Al-Anon hotline phone number. Call that number and see if you can find a real live member to talk to. Listen for the face to face meetings and their location and times that are reachable for you. Yes we do get to meet each other face to face and the hour or so that we spend with each other in the rooms of recovery is miraculous and often fun. (Just came back from the Super Saturday, 8AM AFG meeting. The meeting topic? based on the page of the day, DEC 1 in our ODAT One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, daily reader. 14 women, 3 men many miracles.
Keep your score going. 3 for 3 would be awesome for a newbie!
thank u thank u thank u im crying here you are all so wonderful! im still reading on here and i am going to find a meeting around here to go to and check it all out...thank u all again it is so appreciated
please stay new to this -- hold onto the first step for dear life for it is always there to turn to -- and yes -- it does get better. love in recovery, getoverit
Welcome to the MIP family. I remember my first post, it was scary. But I am so glad that I did it. Lots of good replies here. You are not alone in this journey. We're right here with you as will others at your meetings. You took the first step. I'm proud of you. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
