The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am going to be done with grad school soon and off into the job market (I am excited about this). I have been separated from my AH for most of this time (almost 2 years). In the part of the world where I am in school, I have been working internships and some temp jobs in my new field to gain real life experience and gather references. Some of you know how this goes; you intern and if you fit in, you could probably get a good job, etc. if you work it and want that and they want you. I have found an internship here where I am attending school that I like well enough to pursue for a real job. I could work it so that I can at least make known my interest and see if I can get a job at this place. I am reluctant to do so because of my AH so far away.
I have this AH "back home" and he and I have been pretty completely separated so that he could work on his stuff and I could work on mine. I have a terrible history of self-sabotaging myself through my A's in my life and I am really concerned that I not do this particularly at this point where I am really beginning to get somewhere with new degrees, great new references, work I really love, etc. etc. I really do not want to screw this up!
Do I go back and "get" my AH and work to get him to "follow" me wherever it is I decide to go/where ever the best job is? Do I engage in the long drawn out engagement of him to negotiate where I look for a new job? HOW DO I DO THIS?! I love my AH, I know he loves me. We have decided not to get divorced. We have no idea how to make decisions together- in the past I made them and he complained and dragged his feet because he hates to make any decisions (typical alkie behavior). Or he agrees and then when it comes down to it, he jettisons and returns back. We have an extremely unstable history as I am sure you can imagine.
Here is what I do know: 1.) I have lots of job prospects in most parts of the country which is great, even some international ones if I choose to pursue it. 2.) I do not want to go back and live where he is now (our old home) for a variety of reasons but the main one is I just do not like it there and lived there for like 20+ years and want change! 3.) I need to have a career, not just some job and know this is very interconnected to my recovery via self-esteem and taking good care of myself. I need a career that I love and that I am good at and to be in a place I can grow and evolve. 4.) I love my AH very much and know that this career is key to our financial recovery as a legal entity (marriage) in addition to my own.
I know this seems confusing. I just do not know how to include my AH in my new life, my location choices, etc. aside from just hoping he will tag along like some puppy? I know this is not right. I also do not want to set myself up for failure via my AH. Any advice would be appreciated. Its entirely possible I need a knock along side my head...or something!
hmmmm jean u seem to have a dilema all right , you say your separated , not pursuing divorce . Have u asked your husb how he will feel about u pursuing this job ? u never know maybe he will be willing to work it out and m ove to your new location but u have to ask for what u need . If it is a flat out no from husb than u wil have to decide if you will go back and find work where he is or stay and look after your own needs . If husb is sober and trying to change it will make decissions easier . Louise
That's a dilema alright. Not sure what I'd do in your situation. I sure understand the whole scenario though. My AH was that way. Never would make a decision, but always Jonny-on-the-spot with resentment about anything I wanted. He esp liked to be generous of anything that I might want moneywise (which has never been much) but then tell everyone about how broke we were because I wasted money.
But, I digress. One thing I have learned is the "If in doubt, don't" slogan. I really like that one. I always thought I had to make snap decisions. It was truly liberating when I realised that I do not always have to make decisions quickly. I could let the answers come to me. I just had to relax and let them work themselves out. Often when I'm ready to make a decision about something, the answer becomes clear. Then I can be confident in what I have decided. Does this make sense? If you are not sure , it is ok to wait. Maybe you don't have all the info you need to make this choice yet.
Hope this helps
In recovery,
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
as with many things after we come in program sounds like a job for your HP... turn it over and ask for guidance.. I am sure the right answer will come...
I can only give you my perspective. This summer the A asked me to try again with him. He wanted to relocated to a certain area. He ssemed to have changed, he seemed contrite. He seemed like he meant it. So I played it by ear. I helped him set up a place (it cost me a fortune). I stayed put where I was. I had my doubts. I engaged with him. There were days when he seemed like he was on track. Eventually it came up that he was avoiding being truthful. Lots of stuff came up. I won't engage you in the disaster. I gave it a shot. He didn't. That is about how it sums up.
My esh is that I took it one step at a time. I was willing. The A wasn't.
He still isn't. He talks a great great talk about what he wants but he doesn't do the work. Maresie.
thank you Maresie, Night, Jen and Abby- your ESH really helped me pull through on this. Its in HP's hands now ((((nightwather)))) and things are becoming clearer. I am just focussing on today. Not tomorrow or too much into the future. I will ask my AH tomorrow when we are scheduled to ichat (((ABBY))). And I do not need to make a decision right now or even tomorrow or this week (((JEN))). I need to keep in mind, though, that I am working with an AH (((Maresie))). All this adds up to HP telling me exactly what I need to know right here and right now.
Seems to me that you are going the long way around, here. I think a direct approach, rather than a manipulative one, will serve you both better. Could you present some of what you are thinking to the A, and then ask "So, what are your thoughts on this?" He may surprise you. And, he's a big boy. If you decide to stay where you are, and he wants to be with you, he can come to you.
Alcoholics are a lot like kids, in some ways. If there is something difficult, they will just not do it, knowing that eventually we will do it for them. Making decisions is one of those things. If the A stalls long enough, I will step in and make the decision for him. He then gets to be resentful about it - extra added bonus! It's pretty easy for this sort of thing to become a pattern.
If you get whatever input he is willing to give you, and then make your decision based on what is best for YOU, he is free to make his own decisions. He might not like it, but oh well.
