The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here, but not entirely new to Al-anon meetings. While I'm not an alcoholic/recovering alcoholic, I seem to find myself in situations where I'm around them. I also have my own personal compulsive vices, which are overeating - sugar is a huge vice in particular. I'm not overweight because of it - but I used to be, but have worked very hard to get my weight under control but probably not so successfully got my eating problems under control.
In any case, I'm not here on account of my eating issues (I know there's Overeaters Anonymous for that) - but I'm here because I'm just feeling like my hands are tied with my husband.
He is an alcoholic. He's actually been arrested and required to go through the 12-step program - all of this before I met him and started dating him (when we started dating it was a little over 4 years ago).
When we met, he didn't drink and was very much into taking good care of himself - something that attracted me to him because I had also worked very hard at taking good care of myself to get my weight back to a healthy range. I liked that he was conscious about what he ate and that he exercised frequently to take care of his health - and one of those other things was that he didn't drink. Or so he told me.
It came down to us going out on a couple dates, though, and he eventually would have a drink or two, despite my asking him "I thought you said you didn't drink"? and to which he'd reply "oh, I'm okay with one every now and then, I'm fine."
Me being the stupid enabler went ahead, took his word for it and drank right along with him.
I am blessed - oh thank you, lord - that I don't have the urges to drink and drink and drink for any reason. I've drank only when going out for a good time, but the rest of the time, alcohol just doesn't interest me. I'd rather have a big piece of chocolate cake.
Well, my DH and I moved here to Hawaii about three years ago - it was a career change for him - and it was definitely a stressful change for me, too. We were still only dating at the time - had only known eachother then about 9 months.
Things were stressful the first year and a half together - as it always in when you move in with a person. And he didn't drink much during that first year and a half - he'd maybe have one or two a month at most. But then after that time period, it all started to go downhill. He'd always have alcohol in the house, and in particular, beer.
Now, let me tell you about his father. His father was a full-blown alcoholic. The man seriously killed himself by drinking hisself to death. He was an alcoholic since my DH was a child - so this is the influence he's had in his life. When my DH started drinking more and more and more, I'd sit down and talk to him and tell him, "I'm scared. I don't want you to end up like your father.", to which he'd always reply "Oh whatever! I'm FINE!" and look at me like I'd grown two heads.
I've then on numerous occasions expressed to him how much I dislike his drinking and wish he would back off - but ideally STOP. I've had these conversations with him many times before - somtimes calmly, sometimes in a screaming rage, sometimes with tears pouring down my face, and I never get a consistent answer out of him other than the ultimatum is that he has absolutely NO intentions of stopping drinking.
Is it effecting his health? YES. He's gained what I can only guess is maybe 50 pounds since he started drinking frequently. Is he a mean, abusive drunk? No. Thank goodness. But he passes out on the couch, he hides his drinking from me sometimes, too - by picking up beer on the way home and stopping whereever to drink one or two in the car before coming home. What a freaking idiot, drinking in his car. I've SEEN the massive amounts of bottles he pulls out of his car and confronted him on it - to which he always gives me his standard "Oh, it's nothing. I'm fine. Stop worrying."
So what prompted me to come here tonight of all nights? I called him at his work on his work phone - his cell phone died on him earlier today, so I've only been able to stay in touch with him through his work number. His co-worker answers (oblivious to any problems at all) and I ask for him. "Oh, he's just left. He said he was going over to meet 'Wayne' (I'll call him) at such and so bar."
Me: "Oh, okay, thanks."
No calls from him - and he comes home late in the evenings very often as it is. And this is just like being sucker-punched. He's off drinking with some buddy at a bar... how often has he been doing this behind my back and then been calling me and telling me "oh - sorry, I was slammed at work again."
I mean, I feel completely betrayed now. No phone call from him telling me he's gone to the bar - nothing. I don't know how I want to react to all of this. I feel numb but at the same time I want to take the beer bottles he leaves around the house every night and throw them at him. It has me wanting to go and drown my problems in my own compulsive way - eating.
So - there's the long and short of it. I heard him pull up, so I'm off to see where the winds take me.
We have great recovery program here in the state. Go online for the Hawaii Area Al-Anon Family Groups and take a look see at the meetings that are available for you. Your alcoholic will and can find the resources for himself when he is ready. Drinking and driving? There are consequences and often times they are too little too late. Hopefully better solutions will come in the future.
Don't know what island you are on but if it is as Big as mine we have a very large Family Group population just ready to share our ESH. Just gotta meet us at any of our groups.
I am with you, feeling how you do. My husband and I met before he drank. Just before we got married he started drinking more then he lost his job and all hell broke loose. He has hid his beer in the car, garage, closets, and even taken it to work with him. Now he drinks so much, I cant even tell what he is hiding and not hiding from me. I catch him and he says no I was taking some to a friend etc..... He made his first attempt last night at getting help and went to an aa meeting for the first time. He is still drinking but at least he realizes he has a problem. I cant tell you how emotional I have been the last 2 days over it all. I should be exactic that he is making steps to get better, and I am but at same time scared what will happen to us. Nice to hear someone else's point of view too
aca, try to attend some Face to face meetings. I am in Hawaii also, in Honolulu. The groups here are incredible, this is where I found recovery and I believe that these islands are uniquely healing places. Please let me know if you are in HNL and want a ride to one, etc. Good to meet you here, you came to the right place. Keep coming back. J.
Mahalo nui loa (thank you very much) for your replies everyone.
I know these beautiful islands seem to have a particularly large group of alcoholics, and unfortunately we've got some pretty loose and confusing laws that allow too many repeat DUI offenders to keep going until they eventually kill someone.
I was thinking the other day that my husband's work relations don't help his drinking at all. I think just about every person he works with tends to drink and party too much. Bad influences considering he's around them 40+ hours a week. They might not show up to work blitzed, but I'm sure there's plenty of talk of escapades and planned outings as well.
After my initial post, when he got home, I confronted him immediately. I'm very bad at pretending nothing's wrong - call me skulky or whatever, but I just don't hide my feelings, especially when I'm unhappy. Of course he gave me his usual "play dumb" line: "Well, this is the first time I've heard about this." (EVERY time we've had conversations about the drinking, he says it's the first he's heard that I have a problem with it.)
In any case, he got defensive, asked me what I wanted him to do or say, and I just told him "You figure it out." He's a grown man, he KNOWS exactly what he should be trying to do. Making me say it just turns it into an easy out for him, I think.
Of course what does he do after I've told him how much his drinking upsets me? He goes and grabs dinner and then drinks a couple beers in front of me. Such a slap in the face.
The next morning, though, he seemed to think it through a little. He called me at work and apologized that he's done anything to make me feel he's being dishonest with me, and "admitted" he needs to "cut back" on the drinking.
Hmm... I'll believe it when I see it.
We've been back to fairly normal, though. Yesterday he at least didn't drink any beer from what I could tell - or he didn't have his usual nightly beer or two... or three or four or five... that evening.
Tonight he's drinking, though - excuse is the Hawaii College game. Beer and football.
aca - I understand what you mean being scared about what he's going to be like if he ever decides to find a healthier outlet than alcohol. There's been just a couple of times in the past year where my husband determined he was going to only drink maybe once a week, and on the days he wasn't drinking anything, he'd get all gung ho about improving his health again, and examining our relationship, and he one time turned around and complained that our relationship had no spark any more, and it came across so accusatory to me that I just bit his head off, telling him, "Well, you've been so lazy with all the beer you drink every day, of COURSE there's no spark! You pass out on the couch every night! And if you think I've become distant, it's only because I'm just taking care of myself while I wait for you to get it through your head that you need to stop drinking!" Probably not the most supportive thing for me to have done or said, but I just did not like his blaming a lackluster relationship on my being distant.
I can't tell you how much experience I've had with this knowing alcoholics thing, though - my mom is an alcoholic - she's been sober since I was a small child. Her father was a hostile mean drunk, so she had an awful childhood. She's been attending al-anon meetings for a very long time, and one of the messages that I always hear loud and clear is that this person's choice to drink is NOT my fault and I have NO control over whether he changes or not. I have to let it go and trust my life to my Higher Power.
Speaking from my own personal experience with weight loss, it's almost the same thing. I know for me no amount of prodding from family and friends would get me to lose weight. It had to be MY decision and I had to be ready to do it.
I know my snapping at him like I did the other night doesn't really have much effect - but jeez- I need a release sometimes, and I think in a relationship, I still need to keep communications open and say something about it when it bothers me, regardless if it's going to make a difference or not. At least I said it.
I will have to look around for the Al-Anon info here... this island I'm on definitely is Big, though - but I think part of the problem, too, is though its size is big, the communities are small and tight-knit. It's a little more difficult to remain "anonymous" in these smaller communities than it is on the mainland.
Thanks again for allowing me a place to vent. I can sometimes vent my feelings better in written word than voicing it. I have a difficult time communicating my feelings from thought to voice at times, especially in the physical presence of other people.
