The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A just got a card from his b who is in jail. He says that he has had our address for a long time but never written because he thought I wouldn't give my A the letter. So I am hurt and upset. I know I shouldn't let it get to me, but it really hurts. My A has told so many lies to his family about me, either directly or by inference, that I now have no relationship with them. I have always felt that they are my family and I love them all. Yes, they are A's, all of them, but I care about them.
His grandmother died last March and he made a big deal out of supposedly trying to talk me up and repair the damage, but he was still using, so I'm sure they saw through his overkill and think I put him up to it. I know I shouldn't assume. It just hurts to have it put in front of me again. I don't know what he thinks I should say. I just handed him back the letter and went about my business.
There I feel better just getting it out. <deep breath>
I think maybe I'll try writing to bil. He would like the mail and connection to family and I know my A will not write much if at all. I will tell him that he is not welcome to visit, but always is welcome to write and we will try to respond. The idea is to head off any direct contact as I know he is a thief and I do not want him to get the idea to come up hear. He is in CA and all his family lives there. I want to treat him like the brother he is without opening ourselves up to abuse. Does that make sense? I would like some opinions.
Thanks for letting me vent.
__________________
~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
yes, my AH badmouths about me also and it used to really bother me. But I have been working on that from the inside out- it still hurts my feelings but I know that the people who know me, know me. The ones who don't- who cares? If they are going to believe what he says without getting to know me or my perspective, that says a lot about them, not about me.
The wife of his best friend was one I was once really upset about. I wanted her to like me so the 4 of us could do things together, etc. She is an A, too. I would go to her for advice, etc. try to just have a cup of coffee with her, try to be friends, and then her H started to telling her about what my AH says to him about me. round and round it went. I no longer choose to spend time with those people.
I know who my friends are. His badmouthing speaks volumes about him, not me. Its his problem, not mine. But they can be so very charming and charismatic about it all, I know. Its hard. I know how it hurts when people think poorly of you because of your A.
You have made a clear boundary w/bil: writing is it- all of it. Nothing more. I have a friend who has an H in prison and letters are really great and deeply appreciated. I think you are being generous and kind to your bil.
