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I should have started out posting this separately but started off putting it under my yesterday's post about my husband's DUI and him looking for a program that he could go to for 6 weeks and get a certificate saying he was no longer an A. The program he is looking for doesn't exist, which must be why he's having such a hard time finding it:)He had his "alcohol assessment" yesterday and brought home the papers they gave him and he had told them that the reason he has been drinking so much is because he is so depressed about my having cancer and possibly dying. In the first place, he was an A long before I was diagnosed with cancer. In the second place, I have been in remission for over a year and work 40 hours a week and don't think I'm going to be kicking the bucket anytime soon. As a matter of fact my oncologist just told us a few weeks ago that I can cut back on having full body scans to one every six months from one every 3 months. True, we had a rough time for a while - I was diagnosed with lung cancer in the left lung in 11/05 and had part of my left lung removed, breat cancer in 4/06 and had a lumpectomy and 2 months of radiation, then right lung cancer in 7/06 and had part of my right lung removed. I'm fine as long as I don't have to run a marathon. I really resent him using my cancer as an excuse for his drinking. He also refuses to take anti depressants because they make him feel "weird". I hope these professionals will see thru him. He gave them permission to contact me and boy will I give them an earful! The thing that astounds me is that he is a very intelligent man and an ATTORNEY!!! How can he think he can pull the wool over a judge's head?
The logic goes something like this: the drinking covers up the real issues. The real issues catalyze the drinking, and enable dysfunctional thinking. Until the drinking is dealt with directly and harshly, it doesn't matter if the chicken or the egg came first, each one is causing the other to be more intense and more grave. So, as you oncologist would probably say, it really doesn't matter whether or not your alcholic is..whatever. Really, would you let someone like him keep you from completing chemo? Or meeting with your oncon? Or, more importantly, accepting that this is cancer, not a cold? I think what you're looking for, really, is for someone you love to accept the reality of the situation as it is. The tragic reality is that there are alcholics who have drank through their spouses having cancer, their children having cancer, themselves having cancer, their siblings having cancer, their parents having cancer, I mean, really, it just doesn't matter to them. Alcholics have drank through their children having HIV/AIDS, MS, their grandchildren having cancer, their spouses having these diseases, major surgeries, whatever. My parents have in my belief chosen to utilize various substances through my seziures, my cancer scare and my being investigated for plagarism. I would strongly suggest you turn to Al Anon and to us for whatever you need emotionally, including rides to chemo, the doctor's appts, the hospitals, or wherever else you need to go. I would also suggest that you may need to consider, seriously, the fact that, should your condition turn for the worse, that your loved one may not choose to be availible and instead choose his alcholism over you. This would mean that it may seriously be time to look at your last will and testimant, and seriously look at the fact that your last wishes be executed in the hands of someone who is mentally stable, sober, and capable. It would also mean that, god forbid, your final wishes for your funeral be carried out by someone who is also someone who is mentally stable and sober. Thus, you may need to consult a lawyer who is NOT affiliated with your family and has NO knowledge of your situation. Again, these are simply suggestions. ONLY suggestions. Take what you like and leave the rest. Please know, however, that you are not the first to go through this situation. I, personally, have been in this situation, and, actually, it is time to update my will and my last wishes. It is also time for me to update my medical files to remove my parents from their information. Please keep us posted.
They never think it's as bad as it is. Everyone drinks... It's not a problem for me.... I just messed up that one time it's not I don't get dui's every weekend... Minimize, minimize minimize. They can justify anything from what I've seen. It's not that he's trying to pull the wool over, it's that he honestly doesn't think it's that big of a problem and he thinks he's being punished too harshly for something that really isn't that big a deal (in his mind).
I would be resentful of him using me as an excuse too. It is always someone else's fault tho you just happen to be closest and an easy target. I am SO glad I left, at least now I don't have to HEAR about being his excuse! I'm sure we still are, oh poor me, my wife left me and took the kids and I can't see them anymore. I live in a shelter with no job. It's almost Christmas. Nevermind the fact that this is the 3rd or 4th time he's been in this EXACT same position in the past year. The cycle has been - have a good job, keep it a couple of weeks, go out get drunk/high/steal, go to jail and lose everything. Start over.... You would THINK he would get it by now!!!!
In my AH's defense I must admit that he was totally supportive when I was going thru my cancer surgeries, radiation, etc. He continued to drink at night, but took a cab to the hospital to see me every night because he was too drunk to drive. BUT now that I have been in remission for over a year and need no further treatment he insists that not only do I still have cancer, but it is the cause of his drinking. All of my friends are celebrating my recovery but he still insists I have cancer. I was incredibly lucky - all three cancers were caught in a very early stage - !A and were all operable, so I basically have a clean bill of health.
