Confusion re: detatching - Al-Anon Family Group

klm4446 · Veteran Member

Confusion re: detatching

Karilynn · ~*Service Worker*~

((((((((((KLM)))))))),

I am so sorry for your loss. Perhaps you are feeling this way, because you feel guilty that there was nothing you could do to stop him that day. That's a pretty normal feeling. Remember, you were doing the best you could at that moment in time. You were detaching. You had too for your own sake. It always feels like our fault, especially when something tragic happens. But in time you will forgive yourself. This is an insidious disease. It knows no boundaries. This is not your fault. May the happy memories give you peace.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

((((klm))))

I believe it is natural that you are feeling the way you are feeling. Even if his death had nothing to do with addiction, I bet you would still feel like you could have or should have been able to do something to stop what happened. I promise you, it was not your detatchment that killed him. Just imagine if you had been on his case that night. Getting angry, yelling. Or even just explaining that you love him (which I'm sure he knew) and that he needs to stop. He couldn't stop. It wasn't that he didn't want to. You're being angry, or loving or indifferent couldn't stop his disease. You didn't cause this. If you had that much power, he would have stopped drinking and drugging years ago. You couldn't control it. I know looking back, we think if only I had said it in this tone of voice, or with my head tilted this way...then he would have understood and this could have been prevented. It was out of your hands. His life was his to do with what he wished. You had no control over him. I know this is hard. I lost someone this summer and although I had nothing to do with it, I wasn't even there, I still feel guilty and ashamed. My counclior calls it complicated grief. It is a process and when it is complicated it just takes longer. I know the what if's. I know the if only-ies. I know you will be ok and it will get better. I know you will incorporate this loss into your life and it will become part of your story. Keep posting, even asking the same questions over and over, as much as you need to. Detatching did not make this happen, detatching helped you to take care of you and your kids in a situation where an active drug addict/alcoholic was living. Maybe he was the sweetest, kindest drug addict/alcoholic, but even sweet kind drug addict/alcoholics cause chaos in our lives and we need to detatch to love them and not their disease. Hang in there, everyday makes it a bit better.

david62 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi KLM,

I recently experienced a loss as well, and felt those same guilt feelings. It seems to be a hold over from that part of me that still seems to think I can control other people by my actions.

The truth is I can't. People are going to do what they are going to do. It is their choice, not mine.

Serendipity said it so well.

Keep coming back, and keep working through the process of dealing with your loss. You will grow from it and it will get better.

Yours Still in Recovery,
David

thinkstoomuch · Senior Member

wow - what serendipity said.

It sounds to me like yes, you did a great job detaching that time. I'm so sorry it feels like this was "the one time" you were able to detach - my sponsor reminds me, when I slip into "if only", that another "if only" I may not be considering is that it could have been WORSE if I had not done what I did. We don't know, because we are not god, and we can't see the whole picture. Perhaps there were several possible scenarios that night, all of them bad, but the one where you didn't detach was the one where somebody else was killed as well. In this scenario, by detaching, you saved a life. And it's just as possible that this is true as the other, or indeed as the possibility that your bf's choices were the only ones in play that night. We don't know - so all we can do is keep our side of the street clean - and you did that.

There's also a great little flyer on Detachment - generally available at f2f meetings, and sometimes called "the purple detachment thingie". smile

Among other things, it reminds us that detachment is neither kind nor unkind - it is our part in giving others the dignity of being responsible for themselves, which includes experiencing the natural consequences of their choices.

maire rua · ~*Service Worker*~

yes, it could have been worse if you had been fighting with him before this accident. I think the guilt would be magnified. Unfortunately you could not stop him in his actions, you did not cause this, and I am very sorry to hear of your loss, I will say a prayer for you

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

klm,
One thing I'd like to point out to you is that you said you had been very supportive the previous two weeks. You had been telling him you love him, being supportive etc. Did that make a difference? Did he stop?
I can only assume that in that time he continued to do what addicts do. It didn't matter and never would have mattered what you did. Clearly, whatever tactic you tried he was going to continue.

This program is for us, along with the tools it provides. The detachment is used to keep us from losing our minds, trying to control something we can't. It isn't used to affect the addict.
You could have no more changed his mind then if he attempted to get you to become an addict.

Another thought.....

Sometimes when we try to be supportive, without knowing we place a tremendous amount of guilt on the addict because they can't be what we want them to be. If nothing else your detachment most likely gave him some peace.

Take care,
Christy

-- Edited by Christy at 12:37, 2007-11-29

Mobirdie · Senior Member

The following was copied from the website coping.org
It has an excellent worksheet on detachment it's benefits, what the risks are if you don't and instructions on how to accomplish it. My f2f meeting is using this worksheet as a study guide on detachment. I so wish I would have had this in hand when I started in the program and was trying to figure out just what detachment is. I hope this helps some.

In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own.

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things.

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change.

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing.

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel.

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh:

Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life.

Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

barisax · Senior Member

Sometimes detaching can have some positive effect on the A. Sometimes not. But we don't detach for the sake of the A. It's for ourselves. If the A is on a path to destruction, detaching may not save his life but... it may save our own!

I think of the word attach and detach quite literally. Many A's come to a bad end. They often take those who are "attached" with them.

I figure if I'm handcuffed to a person who is determined to jump off a cliff, I might try to talk them out of it. But only after I get those cuffs off. Especially when I'm the one who put them on, and I have the key.

Barisax

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

great posts, everyone, thank you so much for this. Great reading. J.

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Kim am so sorry for your loss . You said it all , u detached with LOVE that is a gift think how bad u would feel if he had left the house after an argument .
Your husb had a HP too Kim . If you think about it there is nothing u could have done to prevent that accident , your husb made a choice to get behind the wheel of his car , disease tells them that it's ok .
Remember the good days , love your kids ,grieving takes time allow yourself to do that be good to you . Louise

cookie1971 · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Kim))))

So very sorry for your loss. I can only echo what the others have already said. I know from my own life when I do not detach, it always ends up that I argue with my AH and he will leave anyway.

While you will never know what could have happened, remember than an A will do what an A will do, and most probably he would have done whatever he wanted to regardless of what you had done.

You can't blame yourself for the disease that took his life. If he had died of cancer, that would not have been your fault would it? Alcoholism is a disease, just the same as cancer. We cannot control whatever course this disease takes. The disease is what made him make the choices he made on the night of his death. It had nothing to do with the way you did or did not react to him.

I will pray that HP will give you the comfort you need to carry you through this time of sorrow in your life.

Bless you,

Claudia

Jen · ~*Service Worker*~

One other point I have been dealing with lately... the assumption of a need for perfection on my part. We are not perfect, never will be. Blaming ourselves for something because we did not see into the future and make the perceived "perfect choice" is extremely unhealthy codependent behavior. It also models unhealthy behaviors and assumptions to our children. (mine are 7 and almost 2) It tells them that you think perfection is possible and necessary to achieve. Since perfection is impossible, our children become unable to attain it and therefore will feel forever inadiquate to handle problems, and even afraid to try. (Ask me how I know.) :(

I have been trying hard to accept my own imperfections and those of my A and my kids. It is hard sometimes.

((((((Klm))))))
I am so sorry for your loss. You are not a mind reader, or forward seeing. There was nothing you could do. You made the best choice for you and the kids well-being that you knew at the time. If we know better we do better, but sometimes we cannot know.

Love in recovery,

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