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About 3 days ago my son (he's 5) says mom when can I talk to my dad on the phone? Out of the blue... It's been at least 6 months since he talked to him. Then WHAM, the A calls the next day. So I put my son on the phone and the tv is up loud so I send him into the bedroom to talk so he can hear. Then almost instantly I realize that he now knows the name of the place we live thanks to a new coworker and I jump up to run in. As I open the door, he's saying we live at (fill in). I grab the phone and hang it up. I'm soooo angry. I tell him I don't want his dad to know where we live or where he goes to school. The phone rings and it's him again and he says I swear I didn't ask him he just told me which I thought might be possible since he just learned the name of the place about two weeks ago. Then he says I didn't even understand what he said. I had this streak of terror I mean sheer terror. I told my son not to tell him where we live or where he goes to school anything else is ok. They talk about 5 minutes and then he brings me the phone and the A is saying how much he misses us all etc. And I tell him about how his son wants to see him and that all I asked is that he get a job and have a place to live and a way to get to see him. I'm pretty angry at this point. Then he asks if I'm living with a guy here and I change the subject and he asks again and I say ok bye and hang up.
My worst fear is that he will take my son and disappear. This is probably just an irrational fear on my part. If I truly believed that he would, we would completely disappear and never speak to anyone associated with him ever again. I think he knows that he's not capable of caring for him and he wants the best for him. Still there's that fear. I talked to my son about it and now he's scared too and I never meant to make him afraid of his father. Still there's that nagging feeling that it could happen however unlikely.
When my oldest daughter found out he knew where we lived she freaked out and talked about how much she's home alone and home watching them alone while I'm at work. She seemed genuinely scared for her safety. We talked about what to do if she saw him.
I'm feeling a little bad now because I wonder how much of the fear is justified and how much of it is what I have put on them because of my own fears which are probably not justified. He has never physically hurt me or made any attempt to take our son. He had a son with another girl that he couldn't see at all and he never tried to take him or do anything like that but then he had a family then, now he has nothing to lose.
This is such a horrible situation. How does it go from love to this? What I have asked him to achieve is not unreasonable and I would love to let him see whichever kids want to see him if he gets himself together. I wonder whether the talking on the phone is really helping anything at all or just making it worse?
After my son got off the phone he couldn't tell me what they talked about. I think the conversation was entirely about me and what I'm doing. I asked him if he had asked him if he liked my new boyfriend (I don't have one) and he said yes and he told him he did LOL. Then I asked him who's my boyfriend? And we all had fun naming off various cartoon characters and actors.
I just hope he really didn't hear the name of our condos but honestly I can't believe a word he says anymore. I asked my son if he asked him where we lived and he looked at me like I was an idiot and said yes! As if thinking why else would I be telling him?
This morning I had a wave of clarity and started thinking that the reason he was so interested in whether a man lived here or not might have been him wondering if I was all alone or there was a man there to defend us rather than me taking it as his usual paranoia that I have found someone else. That really freaked me out. I was glad I didn't answer the question. Then I wonder if these are more of my irrational fears. He has always assumed there was someone else. Just the possibility that he probably knows where we live now is making me slightly paranoid.
I soo understand.One of my biggest fears is tht when I divorce my AH is tht he will take the kids.And here it isnt kidnapping unless there is a restraining order on the other parent.Which is hard to get unless there is documented abuse.So , no , I dont think your fears are unwarranted. Just keep telling your kids they have to treat Dad like if he were a stranger.Someone they dont know (they really dont know him anymore,do they ?)and tht they wouldnt let a stranger in the house,or leave w a stranger.And always , no matter what,keep a phone line open for them to call you. I will get my daughter a cell phone,with a GPS tracking on it,when I start going through my divorce.You can get a pay as you go plan for about $5-10 per mo.And tell her to use it in an emergency. If you have a restrianing order,tell your kids not to be afraid to call the police.Your oldest sounds mature enouph to handle this. Good luck
Ya know if he were a "normal" guy and this were a "normal" divorce then your fears would be irrational. When it comes to dealing with a drug addicted convict there is NO overreacting. Keeping yourself and your kids safe from someone you know is insane (and he is, no matter disease, no matter he feels sad or lonley. He is still crazy) is NEVER irrational. " are you with someone new" was my ex's number one question. He was out of the picture, the kid had a broken arm and a rash covering her entire body that no one could figure out and his first question to me was " what's your boyfriend's name?" LOL! A boyfriend? OMG! I doubt I will ever have a boyfriend again. I have 3 kids, that's plenty of drama! I think you are doing the best you can in a hard situation. Just take it ODAT and stay stong. If you got a security system, guard dogs and a gun, you STILL would NOT be overracting. No one knows like we do exactly how crazy they really are. Just try to not let this run your life. Let your fear keep you safe.
I feel for what you are going through. I have always felt that a certain amount of fear just keeps me sharp and aware... as others have said, not to the point it runs your life.
The rest of this is certainly a take what you like and leave the rest moment for me. Strictly my opinion...
To this point you have been careful and taking care of yourself and your kids. I am sure you will keep doing that. You have never been able to control him and guarentee that he would never ever find where you are... what you described is only slightly different than the situation before the phone call.
Each day you get to make decissions about what is best for you... today is no different. My son and I had a conversation about people breaking into our house. I told him that yes, someone could (anything is possible) and we know what to do, right? We get in the same place (same room) protect ourselves and call the police.
Not sure what all of a sudden made him think our house was vulnerable... but going over the plan, put it all to rest for him.
Keep taking care of you! Whatever that looks like, and everything will be ok, I have faith in that.
Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers today....
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thanks for putting that into perspective for me. I keep forgetting the convict drug addict part LMAO.
Seriously though, it always sounds so much worse when you read it...
R Texas, I think you're right too, even if he could find it and hitch hike or steal a car to get here he could have just as easily staked out my job and followed me home one day and got the same result. There's no point in living in fear. I have been careful. I am doing what I'm supposed to do and it will work out just fine.
I guess it doesn't really matter if the fear is irrational or not it just matters whether I let it consume me and I don't.
I told my daughter if she sees him to call the police. I told my son not to get into a car with him or leave with him from anywhere and that's the best I can do for now.
Eventually, our son will get older and if he continues down this self serving path of asking about me instead of him and being unreliable and continually going to jail then eventually our son will lose interest in having a relationship with him and it won't be up to me whether he talks to him or not.
How terrible you have to go through this. You know one of my housemates once made up that my exA was at the house trying to break in. i broke into a cold sweat and nearly passed out.
Of course he wasn't.
The issue is that I dont' think your A actually wants a kid. He wants to play victim. So the chances of him actually going off and going through the motions are slim. Remember an A in active mode thinks only of themselves.
The A I was with does not want to hear anything about our dogs who he supposedly loved and adored. When my dog went missing he could not be bothered to go look for her but he did bother to go get his check from the insurance company. He moved heaven and earth to get that.
I know how super human you are being about having two jobs. This must be such a thorn in your side.
I know I also have huge huge fantasies about justing moving somewhere and dropping off the face of the eartth. Of course doing it is another thing. What saddens me is that the A I was iwth really never ever cared about me. I was somoene to use and use and use dispose of. He feels the same way about his dogs.
I think talking to the kids about what to do if.... is a great idea. Gives them power and tools. Would you have done this a year ago? Well done.
I also don't think there would be anything wrong in saying to the kids what you said to us, so long as you can say it calmly - "guys, I know you can tell I'm kind of nervous about this, and the truth is I don't know whether I'm right to be nervous or not - I'm really glad we've talked about what to do IF some of these things happen. If they don't happen, then that's great, it didn't hurt us to have a plan B (note the subtle insertion of program talk, lol). I'm always glad to talk to you about this stuff if you think of something else".
My own mom, when I was about 12, out of the blue asked me, what would you do, if you came home and I was .... lying on the floor? I don't suggest this approach, which was on the scary side. To her credit, she rescued it and reassured me by telling me she didn't expect it to happen, she had just wanted to know how I would respond, and was reassured to hear me say I would call so and so for help. With hindsight, I would have been happier if she had told me up front, you know, I was thinking there's often nobody home when you get back from school, and we've never talked about what to do if there's a problem...
Your own plan B might include being sure the kids know the phone number with area code, and how to make a collect call. Practice with them - take one to the store and have him practice making a collect call home, where his sister gets to practice talking to the operator and saying "yes, we'll accept the charges".
I was always pretty uncomfortable when my mom grilled me about what went on with my dad. Sounds like the boyfriend's name thing turned out ok, just consider that this is a way kids can get put in the middle.
To me your comment - "What I have asked him to achieve is not unreasonable and I would love to let him see whichever kids want to see him if he gets himself together. " - is also not unreasonable to share, calmly, with the kids. It's about behaviour, and what is and isn't acceptable behaviour. They're never to young to be exposed to that idea.
And congratulations again on going over options with them. To me that really shows how far you've come.
Take a deeep breath. You're human. No matter what, you're human. If I had to hazard a guess, maybe one of the kids called him? (GUESSING! HONEST!) Truly, it's going to be okay. If I could make some suggestions, the first thing that I would suggest would be to change your phone number, and make it unlisted. The next thing would be to re configre the restraining order, asap. I have no doubt that your children miss their father. His parole officer needs to know about these violations. A book I would recomment for you is "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the minds of angry and controlling men"
I´m with tiger here, this sounds like a good option to me, I know you have a shared history and so do I but be mindful of your children´s fear, they are very real to them, I think I would change my number, but it is up to you and you know best in this
He called me. I let him talk to our son. I have the same cell number I always have. He doesn't know our home phone number. I have no idea who his parole officer is. The restraining order says no contact, there's nothing to change. I'd feel a lot better if I had the money for a lawyer so I could make sure I have full custody.
justa tip.you can call the Bar association (sp?) tell thm you are a single mom etc,,and see if anyone is willing to take a pro bono case.The lawyer gets to use it as a tax right off,and you get cheap to free legal services. it doesnt hurt to call
He called me. I let him talk to our son. I have the same cell number I always have. He doesn't know our home phone number. I have no idea who his parole officer is. The restraining order says no contact, there's nothing to change. I'd feel a lot better if I had the money for a lawyer so I could make sure I have full custody.
What part of "no contact" does he not get?
What part of "no contact" do you not get?
It sounds to me like there have been dozens of violations of the RO. You don't need a lawyer; it's as simple as calling a cop when he violates. Although the fact that he's gotten away with it multiple times is going to work in his favor, not yours.
I hate to say it, but you need to think like an A. If you don't, he'll always be one step ahead of you. You assume the best in the moment, but then once you have time to think about it, you assume the worst. So you put yourself through the roller coaster over and over.
The alcoholic judges himself by his intentions; the rest of the world judges him by his actions. So will the cops and the judge. But this isn't about his intentions and actions, it's about yours. You hold the cards.
I have been in a DV situation myself and I know this is incredibly difficult. But once an RO/TRO is involved/in place that is IT, there is nothing to negotiate with anyone (adult or child) or within your own brain. No contact is no contact in any way, end of conversation. I honestly know how hard this is, I really do and I am really sorry you and your kids need to go through this horrible situation. hugs, J.
