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ok - a first time visitor, poster, natural skeptic
my h is not mean, angry, abusive, etc. He hoes drink too much, daily, to the point that he is forgetting conversations we have, and last night he was in charge of our 5 month old while I worked a late meeting - came home to find him trashed - they werefine, but he was drunk! wth????? Can I trust him with her ever again? I have known this about him and his family (both parents) - they are all functional alcoholics, not mean, angry, just drunk every damn evening, and drunker on the holidays - I chose to get married, to have child with him, but now that we're here - how can I raise her with him like this? How can I ever do anything on my own, trust her with him? I am not worried about any abuse or anything, just drunk mistakes - dropping her, having to drive to the hospital, stupid choices, etc. I just want to hear from you who have been where I am - what did you do???
In my mind there is no question that a active alcoholic should not be caring for any child that cannot care for itself. Anything could go wrong, especially since A's are prone to knodding off and a earthquake wouldn't wake them.
What do you do? You have someone else watch the child. If it hurts the alcoholics feelings or makes him mad, OH WELL!! The risk is just too great. Hurting his feelings has no comparison to the loss or injury of your child, let alone the guilt you would have to work through because of one poor choice. Don't think for one moment a tragedy can't happen. It has and it does.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 15:10, 2007-11-27
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Hi wishing, you found a good site, actually a great site. We are working (in our own ways and at our own pace) a program here where we find serenity whether the alcoholics in our lives are actively drinking or not. First of all, you are not alone, there are tons of parents who come here and have been where you have been in dealing with raising a child with an alcoholic. It is hard but it is not impossible as many will tell you. I grew up with alcoholic parents and while I have many shortcomings I struggle with daily I am a relatively productive and well adjusted person (generally).
I do not have kids (partially) because its been my experience that the A's are so much like children themselves in need of a great deal of care, time, etc. Also, because I was raised in an A home, my own parenting skills are not so great so the prospect of having a child with an A seemed like asking for alot of trouble and misery (for myself and for the little one) so I chose not to bring a child into my situation.
As Christy said your priorities are you and the child. Do you have any trustworthy relatives or friends near you? I have found that there are all kinds of alcoholics including ones who become mean and ones who do not at all. In many ways it may be harder if they do not become mean because the appearance of friendliness and kindness may imply a higher level of trust. But they are not good at making choices like whether to drive under the influence, who to hang out with, falling asleep with the stove burners on, etc. etc. so please take care. keep coming back here, it will really be helpful as it has for me.
Please start to rely on plan B, it is not an option for you to leave your child with someone drunk. I too have been in your position, the stress on you would be far too much. My brothers both alcoholics looked after my children and got drunk, nothing happened to the children but I lived in a mobile home at the time and it took fire, the consequences were there for things to go wrong, I came early on the occasion. I am not being judgement, I have done what you did and did it many times but once I started with plan b, things got a lot more stable as I no longer normalised abnormal situations, best of luck, you are in my thoughts
Absolutely correct replies to you "wishing!" Your precious little one's safety cannot be compromised by leaving her with a drunk. Get a sitter of ask a family member to oversee her care while you must be away.
Come back here often. There is always someone who understands, relates, and has been there.
Happy holidays,
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
"I am not worried about any abuse or anything, just drunk mistakes - dropping her, having to drive to the hospital, stupid choices, etc. I just want to hear from you who have been where I am - what did you do???
You asked what I would do, I divorced my husband when he drove home drunk with our two babies.
NOT telling you what to do but telling you my experience.
I put your words on here to show just how sick the disease makes us. How it will make us believe something is ok that is clearly not.
We all know drinking and driving is insane,with a child it is criminal and abusive.
Sadly there are MANY children injured, some to the point of lifetime brain damage, from being dropped.
You are not by any means the only one who has found themself in this awful position.
I have been here at MIP many years. My same old question is this: Would you leave your child with a childcare provider who was very apparently drunk?
To me that puts it into prospective. Drunk is drunk, your relative or not.
My mother used to say this: "Would you leave a hundred dollar bill in your car, on the seat when you went into a store? But yet people leave their precious babies like this all the time."
aism clouds OUR thinking. That is what is so cool about Al Anon. We have been where you are so their are NO judgements,only yep I relate.
And we know how to put it so you don't feel like a horrible parent.
I am so sad this is happening. so sad. I know you love your baby. I also am so very glad you came here.
I am sure another f to f alanoner could help ya find child care.
Keep coming back. Glad you had courage and came here. love,debilyn mother of Raini and Mac, grandsons,sprout and tigerboy
I'm not worried about abuse or anything ? hmmm leaving a child with someone who is drunk is abusive . Your child deserves one parent who is thinking clearly find a sitter who is reliable. and sober .
I'm glad you have found this site! I am also new here and have found such wisdom and support here.
My AH is an angry drunk plus I am a peace maker, so I don't like confrontations. However, I have confronted my AH several times over the years about drinking and driving with our kids in the car. As much as I hate confrontation, I have found it to be a turning point for us. 1) It sets a boundary for me and the kids, 2) it makes him think, 3) and it feels better to express it than to keep it bottled up.
I quickly learned to make other arrangement for the kids when it came to getting them to their activities.
Debilyn expressed a point that I want to repeat - would you hire a drunk babysitter? My AH has very high standards (for others, anyway) and has always been ready to fire a babysitter or nanny in the past. There was one incident where the nanny laid our baby on the front seat of her car and drove my elementary age child 4 houses to the corner to catch his school bus because the weather was so nasty. 4 houses. While I have always been a fanatic about car seats, I would have been satisfied with a "don't do it again!" She was a sharp lady, had made good decisions involving our kids and was very engaged in playtime with them. However, my AH went through the roof over that and was ready to fire her! In one of my confrontations with him I reminded him of that. How can he justify putting our kids in danger by driving around drunk, but be so harsh with this nanny?
The binge drinking for my AH comes and goes and my kids are much older now - the youngest is 12. I finally came to the point a few years back to where I felt is was necessary to discuss the importance of keeping themselves safe. For example, if I am away from the house and they need a ride to a friend's or activity, they need to make arrangements that do not involve their father if they see that he has been drinking.
My prayers are with you! Keep coming back! steadfast
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdon and just a touch of humor (good for the ).
The fact that you even have to ask if you can trust your A with your baby speaks volumns. I too have a very functional, intelligent A. He was never angry with me when he drank. He just passed out. If I had children I would not have trusted him with them. If it were my nieces I would have made other arrangements. Please keep coming back to us. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <-- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
OH I have been there.I work everyother weekend.So my A used to watch the kids.Not anymore.The day I came home and smelled gas in the house,b/c hed gotten drunk and fell against the gas grill and broke the gas line,well tht was it.My 10yr old told me later tht she and her 7 yr old brother had to "help Daddy up,cause he was stuck ".But there he was when I got home,drunk in the house w the windows open,smoking a cig.If he wouldve been sober,he would have been able to smell it.As far as the Hosp is concerned,been there too.When my son was 4 he was riding a bike.When he went to get off it he hit his eye.My AH didnt think anything was wrong and told my son to "deal w it".When I tok him to the hosp,of couse they wanted to know wht hapened.The main thing they kept asking was why it took so long for me to take him.The child scratched the cornea on his eye.And you know wht ?My AH was drunk and passed out by the time I got home.Oh he would always say "we had a good day".Wht tht meant was HE had a good day,cause there wasnt anyone there to question his drinking.The one tht floors me the most,is when he would take the kids to the drug store,buy a bottle for himself,and bribe the kids (not to tell) w candy. So yes find another sitter for your baby,youll feel better.If he gets his feelings hurt, tough.If he wants her bad enouph,he will show you he can be a good father.
My A told me I had to choose between him and my oldest daughter. This was right after I got home from a 3 day business trip during which time he was supposed to watch them. It took a year for them to tell me that he was drunk the entire time and abusive to them. I think it was because they were afraid we would reunite and be punished for telling if they were with him alone again. These are horrible stories. I'm sorry you're facing this. I moved out 14 months ago and am very glad I did.
There was a time when I could say my AH was not "mean, angry, or abusive." However, through the years, my mild mannered, kindhearted husband turned mean, angry and verbally abusive. From my experience, if alcoholism is not recognized, it changes a person over time. I witnessed this with my husband of 30-something years.
Currently, he is in recover and I see his old personality again. However, I continue to exercise caution for I know relapse is so common.
I continue to live out of our home and in an apartment, which feels more like a hotel. I don't know what the future holds in regards to our relationship. All I know is that I would not go back today.
Your situation is very difficult. I can't imagine what it's like to leave a child in the care of an A. I hope you find your answers. Take Care
Hi. I am new here too. My son is 18 months. Luckily, my A, who is sadly now deceased-never drank when he cared for our son. However, I do know that even in the care of a responsible, sober adult-infants seem to find things that we don't even know are there. In my care, my son found a dime on the floor of our very childproofed home. I had to scoop it out of his mouth. They are in danger of choking, getting hurt/pinched on things when they start crawling, falling once they start climbing. My son also pulled his unsnapped onesie over his face while I went in other room to search for diapers. When he started walking he pulled a small glass lid off the bottom shelf in the kitchen (which was designated for plastics so no lock was on it-but my older son mistakenly put it down there) he knocked it off the shelf and glass shards flew everywhere. Imagine some of these things happening with someone drunk, slow to respond, passed out or not even in the same room. They simply need to be watched at all times-sometimes challenging even for us sober people. I would worry very much, especially as your child becomes more mobile. I have a lot of confusion and uncertainty regarding alcoholism in general-just now learning about addiction. However, where my child is concerned I would take control by eliminating the danger of them being watched by someone intoxicated. Until you decide, I would say childproof, childproof, childproof-before your sweetie is crawling and walking. Locks on cabinets, doors closed, no glass or chemicals within reach, baby gates at stairs or off limit rooms etc. New like you and no expert about the alcoholics, but just my experience with infants/toddlers. Glad you are here.
Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdon and just a touch of humor (good for the 
). 
