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I don't know how to phrase this without really ruining the whole anonymity thing, so I'll just try to be clear and to the point. When I met my AH (12 years ago) he told me he had HepC. We've always taken precautions with eachother and with the kids (no sharing toothbrushes ect...). I had to get a HepC test done and it was negative. I told him "Cool, I'm glad I don't have it" and he was like "Why would you be worried?" I didn't really know how to anwer, I said "Because...you...have it" and he was like "No I don't" Huh? "Yes you do" This went back and forth for a while. I wanted to know what about all those doctors appointments, and switching meds that were harmful to his liver, and why can't he donate blood? He had some weird answer for everything and it wasn't long before he was raising his voice. I know there's no point in socking it to him, proving to him that he has HepC. What's the point? But it's so weird, this is crazy really. He's always had HepC. It's like the sun goes up in the morining, I drink coffee, he eats cereal, I have weight issues, he has HepC. It was never a big deal...unless...of course...he started drinking or something. He just had a liver panel done, 3 or 4 enzymes were around 4 times the normal levels. How does he explain that? "OH, I've been exposed to HepC, I don't actually have it though" Aah! This is crazy. I say "you should get a test just to be sure" He gets all chesty "Why would I do that, I already know!" ugh. I'm telling you, I just think this is bizzare. I've always felt like the denial thing was a pretty serious psychological issue. I mean he knows, right? He knows he has HepC. Everyone in his family knows, some of them have it too. Is he lying? Why is he lying? Really it's nothing to be ashamed of, it never bothered me. What is going on here? It's like a miracle cure- he's always had it, now it's gone. Well, so much for being clear and to the point. You know, I just don't have anyone to talk to about these things.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
so familiar and completely crazy-making, I tell you!!! My first taste of my A pulling stuff like this was when we were taking a road trip and I was driving and he was navigating. He says: Turn left here and I turn left and then he throws a fit about me turning left and starts yelling at the top of his lungs about it. At the time is just scared the shit out of me and I bawled my head off because I was so completely confused. They love to mess with our heads. beefs up their low self esteem to see us all whipped up with confusion like watching the rats in the maze- such a horrible disease this is.
Sometimes we just need validation from outside the situation to tell us the obvious. Yes, the story has changed and you're "supposed" to pretend that it hasn't. Well, that's not healthy for you to do, violating a "sanity" boundary maybe? lol.
I've found that reading things in black and white helps cut through the bs I'm being dealt. I would want to see the test results/doctor's report for myself bypassing the person in question.
In this situation, RJ, the only thing you can do is say something like, "OK. I am sure you are right," and go on. No amount of reasoning is going to make a difference. Arguing or going on defense or offense will get you nowhere.
Take care...happy holidays,
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 10:16, 2007-11-27
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
With my A, agreeing with him would often escalate him. Everything and anything would escalate him. Just standing there looking at him would escalate him. I found I needed to walk away/we needed to separate in order to keep the boundary. When I agreed of made any kind of comforting noises he would just accuse me of being gutless and spineless and just appeasing him/aquiesing (sp?).
My ex would do the same thing. He would say something " My toe is swollen. I have an ingrown toenail." I would say "that stinks. Those really hurt." He would reply " What are you talking about?" I would say "Your ingrown toe nail." He would then promptly deny having an ingrown toe nail and then tell ME I was the one with the ingrown toe nail. This would make me think....maybe I do have an ingrown toe nail......I HAD an ingrown toe nail once....... but I was just sitting here, not thinking about the ingrown toe nail I had 6 years ago.......Oh MY Gosh! It was the most frustrating experience and did NOTHING at all for the trust factor in our relationship. But my ex was not just an A. He is a very, very sick mentally ill person. I just didn't know that while I was interacting with him. I have come to understand that these crazy-making interactions were more than just the disease with him. Then again, he has never had true sobriety. In his life.
With HepC and your husband's reaction, I would just get tested regularly. You seem very accepting of the illness so that's not the issue. But don't forget no matter how crazy they get we still have an obligation to ourselves and our kids to stay sane and healthy. Come here and vent, that's what we're here for. I totally understand the crazy making and how off balance it can make you feel.
yep, seren, mine is bipolar and I think that is a characteristic of that mental illness. Again, another disease that cannot be controlled, cured or caused. Thankfully in April he started taking meds again and that has made a huge difference but at the drop of a hat he could quit those meds at any moment and return to being the surly crazy mad man.
I was another one who couldn't just agree with him - "Don't patronize me!" would be the answer to that. I found my best response to craziness was "Oh, look at the time! Gotta go" knowing he would have forgotten all about later.
I'm sitting here at my desk laughing to myself. My A said the exact same thing. I was exposed but I don't have the virus. It actually can heal itself, then the person has the antibodies and not the live virus so they will always test positive. We took no precautions and I never got Hep C. I think the virus can be inactive lying dormant and then spring into activity at any time. When it's dormant I don't know if it can be transferred. He tests positive for C but his liver function is always perfect even when drinking/using. I know what you mean tho, I think it's a matter of semantics. They see it as if it's not active they don't have it. My A has never had it be active. Are you in North Carolina? You must be with my husband LOL.
The only thing I can say is it's a great excuse not to take care of it if it doesn't exist. I guess as long as it's not causing you any problems it doesn't exist? I think it's very difficult to get hep c any other way than needle sharing.
I know the best thing I can do is learn what I can about it (hepC). Naturally, it bothers me that he is not taking care of himself. This is just another one of those instances where I have to sit back and say "it's his problem, not mine". I think denying he has it makes it somewhat OK (in his mind) to drink, because we were always told he could live a long life and never be bothered by it...unless he drank. Which he does. His body is affected by it. Carolinagirl- I'm on the West Coast but I think theese guys know how to get around. A person who is infected by hepC has a 50% liklihood of become a carrier. That means they can have it but not spread it. I don't know if they still get sick if they are not a carrier. It's estimated that about 20% of people exposed to hepC develop antibodies that clear it out. they will test positive for the antibody test, but negative for the viral load test that follows. My AH has heightened liver enzymes that is proof enough, but I'm not gonna tell him that.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
