The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
so much sadness. So much grieving...I just met for a few hours with my A today for the first time in several months. We have not lived together for 2 years but I moved to a distant place so we see each other quite rarely. We have been trying to work on things thru email, phone, etc. but its just been a giant failure. F2F is very very different as you know.
Anyway, just wanted to vent a bit about how sad it is when two people love each other a lot but cannot seem to make it as far as behavioral stuff is concerned. We did pretty good today. I was firm with a boundary which was really really hard for me. But it was absolutely necessary in order for me to take proper care of myself in the situation I am in (grad school). He wanted to come and visit at the time of my graduation but I told him it was not OK with me. I am in this super simple lifestyle of eating, exercising, going to school and going to work and getting enough sleep, etc. its a very simple but very tight schedule and this structure is working very well for me- its predictable and satisfying. I am at peace with it and its working for me. If he were to come just at the time when my thesis is due, etc. I will be all in a tizzy just trying to finish, dealing with my grad committee, etc. that his arrival on the scene is likely to completely put me over the edge and lose it. It would just be another way for me to try to sabotage myself and fail (fear of success). I needed to be clear with him that he was not invited to show up.
I related it to a time when he very much needed ME not to show up for something going on with him. This hurt my feelings but in the end I totally understood and having this as an example helped him to see what I meant. It turned out OK.
I do not know what is going to happen when I am finished with school but I am just takiing this all ONE DAY AT A TIME. He was OK with that, too. We do love each other a lot. But we still have a lot of work to do on ourselves individually and I am so thankful that I have a program that provides me with tools which I used like crazy today in meeting with him. Thanks for listening.
Congratulations on setting a boundary that you needed and for sticking to it!! It is so hard to put ourselves first, isn't it??
I understand about the grief and the sadness. I am surprised at how strongly I can feel it even when things are going well. It is very difficult to heal from the "wreckage of the past." I have been cleaning and sorting through things at home today and I find myself very sad and depressed. Memories of the hard times. UGH!!
My sponsor told me that part of recovery is being able to identify those uncomfortable feelings and being able to sit with them and feel them, instead of reacting to them. It sounds like you did a great job doing that--be gentle with yourself and be proud of you!!
As for me, as much as I wanted to finish the hall closet, I decided it was becoming incredibly counter-productive. So, I am taking action--always a good thing, but hard to do sometimes. I took a shower, changed my clothes and I am going to get out of the house for awhile. This too shall pass.
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thanks for posting. I know that feeling of despair, why you cannot share your lives together, why this horrible disease disrupts everyone's life. I am sorry for that. On the other hand, you sound like you really have mastered the detachment part of this program, and the taking care of yourself part, too. Congratulations on living a "simple" life as you put it, but it sounds like you are doing all of the correct things to truly take care of your mind, spirit and body. Keeping busy with school and work will help keep your mind off of what could have been with your A, and keep the focus on a positive future and really loving yourself. It doesn't mean you don't love him terribly, but you are doing all that you can do for the situation.
I went thru two graduate programs with my AHsober. I don't know if it was conscious or unconscious on his part but he created drama during both of them. WATCH OUT! Keep those boundaries. I can idenitify with loving him but can't be wih him. It truly is the disease that keeps us apart.
I think its great your doing well sticking to what you say and its 2 years on. I can relate to this sadness I'm only a week seperated from mine and really sad. I wish mobile phones had not been invented sometimes. Not coping great but hopefully like yourself I will get into a routine of looking after myself. Take care lisa
Thanks for listening. Its so good to have this board!
Nancy, my AH was so supportive of me going to grad school- he said he would be so helpful- cook, clean, keep it together. NONE of that happened. He had tantrums, was completely out of control, created so much drama and trauma, etc. and then I needed to clean up and pick up after him, cook for him, etc. in addition to working two jobs, keep track of money, while he just sat around at home.
NOW I know better than to believe him when he says these things! But to be honest, it feels really good to accomplish this all by myself anyway and helps my self-esteem like you would not believe. School is sooo good for me, I just flourish in that environment and wish each and every person had access to it who wanted it, free. I have been really blessed with having the option to attend.
