The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A person that came to one of my face to face al-anon groups took her own life on Thanksgiving Day.
When I got the news, I could not believe it.I still see her smiling face and hear her laughter.She was such an enthusiastic person, the person I knew.She was one of those that didn't come all the time.She would come for a few meetings, then miss for a few months, then come back when things got tough for her.
I remember the last meeting she attended.And I remember it because I had gotten a bit annoyed with her.We had a new person in the group that night, and She kept cross-talking and I could see it was making the new person very uncomfortable.
And so, the first thought I had when I got this sad news, was, how did I treat her the last time I saw her?Was I kind to her, was I unkind to her?Did I give her a hug after the meeting?I started thinking, was there something I could have done to keep this from happening.I hadn't seen her in a couple of months.Maybe I should have reached out to her with a phone call or an email.
It is pointless for me to think that way now.Her death is not about me.It was a choice she made over which I had no control.
But I hear this news and it causes me to take another look at my actions in the al-anon environment.
The reason the program works for so many people, in my opinion, is Unity, unity in our common life events, unity in our purpose.
There is no room for taking sides in al-anon.I see al-anon as a circle of friends and family.Al-anon is not a square.If we start seeing ourselves as being on a side of al-anon al-anon square, we cut ourselves off from too much.
There is no room for a silent majority, silent minority or any other division.I can't afford to be closed off.
People who come to this program come from every place there is to come from.They come from many different situations.Some come from places of abuse.Some mental, some physical.No one's problems are any more or less important than anyone else's.
I have no right to judge anyone's worthiness to need the help this program offers.No one has the right to judge me either.
We can so easily understand, when we learn the facts of alcoholism, that it is a life threatening condition.People die from it.Self inflicted death.Suicide.Sometimes long, slow and painful.
We who suffer from the effects of alcoholism can be just as seriously affected.I will share with you all that, before al-anon, I was close to suicide.Very close.Only the hand of God kept if from happening.I was ready to be done.
I just want to say that because of my own life, and because of witnessing first hand with the death of my friend, that it is so important for me to remember that what I am dealing with is serious.Deadly serious.I need to choose my words and actions carefully, when I am dealing with the effects of alcoholism.
I feel very strongly about some of the issues that are associated with the disease.Child neglect/abuse.Infidelity.Spousal abuse; both mental and physical.These particular issues are something I do not turn my back on.
But I deal with them using the skills al-anon has taught me.I do not deal with them using my own distorted thinking.My actions are not limited to a slogan.My actions are the product of all the slogans, literature, steps, and meetings.
This does not squelch my individuality.This does not prevent me from having my own way of thinking, or my own point of view.What the program does do for me, when I am really working it, is protect me from myself.Protect me from my old ways of thinking, the conditioned responses of a disease-affected mind.My best thinking got me the need for al-anon.My best thinking nearly got me dead.
My words are especially powerful to someone who is still very vulnerable.I need to be especially careful what I say to that new comer who has not had the benefit of the 43 months of program I have had.I do not know everything there is to know about their lives.I can maybe recognize if they are in physical danger and try to help them as gently and kindly as I know how.
I did that with my friend.I loved her and did all I could to help her.I might think it was not enough on some level, but I did all I could.It is a great lesson for me to remember just how serious things can be for every one of those people sitting in that room with me.
I did give my friend a hug at that meeting, the last time I saw her.Even though I was a little annoyed with her behavior in that meeting.I gave her a hug, because you all taught me to love the person even if I don't like them.
I love al-anon.I love the people.All the diversity.All the wonderful differing points of view.I love the lessons that life throws at me that I am able to learn from now, with my new pair of glasses.
To my friend Suzee, I love you and I will miss your smile and your laughter.Thank you for reminding me to be kind to others and to show them they are a part of my family, always.
I am sorry, David, that you lost a friend. That you had that friend is a blessing, and there was a purpose for her having touched your life. To remember her with kindness and love is your gift to her memory.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I am grateful that you chose this family group to share your ESH (thoughts, feelings, perceptions, reactions etc.) Yes this program is real and I for one am grateful that you chose to be real with it with us.
"A permanent solution to a temporary problem" is what I remember hearing in the rooms of Al-Anon when one of the members chose the "unsuccessful" suicide option. I say "unsuccessful" because I have come to believe that after several God directed attempts, like yourself I finally arrived at a "successful" suicide thru working this program.
It happened when I chose to "change how I was living my life" and not ending my life that my choice brought an "end" to the old insane, depressing life I was living and I had a new life I wouldn't surrender under any condition.
When I surrendered my life and my will entirely over to my HP and stopped insuring my continued failure by my sickening attempts and choices from ego and pride the miracle happened; my old life ended and my new life began... (successful suicide!!)
You have learned and seen much. Thanks for passing it on with honesty, humility and love.
My deepest sympathies to you on the loss of your dear friend Suzie. May the happy times you shared be of comfort to you. We are all put here on this earth for a very brief period of time. May we take that time to be loving and kind to each other. She was blessed by your friendship. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I just want you to know I love you and feel your grief with you. Please take comfort in knowing that Suzee's pain is over and she is in a place of pure love. She's home.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My heart goes out to you for this terrible loss of a wonderful life! I am brand new here and your words were very inspirational. I look forward to learning many things about al-anon from you wonderful people. Thank you for your post!
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Sometimes it's not about making it through the storm, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.
(((david))) you and your f2f family are in my prayers. So sorry for the loss of one of your members. In my home group we lost a member in the same manner about a year ago also. I know it was difficult for the group at the meeting when we were told. Thank you for sharing with us the reminders of how precious life is.
People come into our lives for a reason, or a season, and sometimes for a lifetime. Each of these instances are life's lessons, my friend. You've been blessed by Suzee's life.
Just remember my dear, "faith looks up."
Love ya, Maria
P.S. Bettah dust off that lil ole green book , lottsa good stuff in it.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I can only give you my own esh on this. I was in sexual abuse recovery for years and years. I went to regular 12 step meetings on that. I met a woman there who I cared about deeply. We had a similar history. She was in and out of the hospital. She even went to a hospital where I knew the psychiatrist some. She really dedicated her life to recovery I know she went without a lot to pay for therapy. She always had a great great sense of humor. We shared a real love for animals. she had a small dog she loved tremendously.
One night quite by chance I met her on the street. She was suicidal. I spent hours talking to her going over what her options were. I talked about resources, suicide hotlines, groups, other therapists the works. I gave her every bit of esh I had.
One week later I heard she commited suicide that night. That was a huge turning point for me. Before then I was always looking for blame, her psychiatrist, someone who had not done enough. The fact is everyone did their best. I called her psychiatrist and told him the news without any blames. I also did not feel that I could have offered her anymore. Perhaps for me that was the beginning of what eventually led me to al anon the beginning of not taking it on that I am responsible for everything. I know that my friend helped me and in some ways she was the beginning of suicide not being an option for me.
I don't have any doubt you did the best you could at a meeting. I have to remind myself daily that I am not just here to help others that I have to help me too in order to be in a place to help others. I am a very limited very flawed person with incredibly limited resources. I do better some days than others.
I am richer for sharing MIP with you. It is so very hard to lose people.
I will be honest, when my grief depression gets bad, I think about how I hate being a burden to everyone.
then I feel better and don't feel that way at all. I believe it is all chemicals in our bodies. When we feel that way, we just do. I know no one but me can change how I feel.
I can tell you I would believe she knew who she could call and chose not to.
To hear that a friend has taken their life is so difficult for if one has a conscience, one will always feel that one may have done more or even stopped this from happening.
The truth is that one cannot do more for the decision is not ours, but theirs.
I also, have lost a friend in this way, and it was difficult to come to terms with, but knowing that I was his friend, with time, helped me to realise that I did make a difference to his life albeit for only part of his life, and it was not because of me, or something that I failed to do, that he took his life.
In time I came to realise that he too, and his death made a huge difference in my thinking, reasoning and in my llife too and that is what I focussed on. Nowadays I can face my friend's death in a positive way although it took time, and patience and a lot of love and support from my God [HP - sorry I find it hard to use that term, it seems so insulting].
Sending you God's peace and asking for His blessings for you and your group at this time. My Suzee's passing be the sweet homecoming she deserved.
with love, Susan Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I had something similar my first year in program....
a senior member of alanon.. . over 20 years in program... in my home group.. was talking about things getting to her... she talked to several of us at different times and sometimes together... she mentioned that she had bought a gun for protection... she felt her ex was stalking her again... One Friday night she was not at the meeting.. .on Sunday we got the call that she had turned the gun on herself, Friday night, during the meeting time...
Just goes to show it does not matter how long we have been in program... slips happen... and we need to work our program and reach out.. . but there are times those slips become overwelming....
All I can say is we have to keep working our program and reach out with and open mind and honesty.. . and hopefully we can get thru the slips in life... to be here one for day...
