The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
well the latest in my life is the my A boyfriend has broken trust blatantly two nights in a row. This comes at the end of a string of incidents and I am rubbed raw, emotionally and physically (battling the same low-level flu forever).
Last night I had a lot of tears and bf responded by first making a wild gesture of love (screaming it outside) and then questioning my love for him because I was still upset. Completely irrational, defensive behavior.
This morning once he sobered up I told him that I loved him but I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't handle the broken promises and the lying that surrounded alcohol. I told him that in every other aspect of his life he is wonderful and truthful and how much I loved those parts of him. I told him I would be there for him if he was willing to address this issue and change. I also told him FLAT OUT that if he did not, I was leaving. Period. I know that may sound dramatic, but I am at my wits end and did not know what else to do.
Anyway, he moved quickly and admitted his problem to me and his family (a biggie). He enrolled himself in an expensive local rehab program (outpatient) that starts tomorrow and continutes twice a week for six months.
I am very encouraged by this but I am still so so sad. I feel like my trust has been completely broken and I want it back. I am scared I never will. I love him so much and he is hurting and I cannot do anything about it. I am hurting and don't want to have to leave. But I am worried he is not going to succeed at this. I am worried I am beyond being able to "be there" for him, that I am too damaged by all this already.
I can totally understand what the betrayal does to your heart. It sounds like you stated your boundaries of what you are not willing to accept in your life. Good work! Can you get to a meeting to get you through the pain? Hang in there.
I am going to a meeting tomorrow morning which should help. I just need some distance from this for a while. Fortunately we do not live together so I am able to get physical space when needed. Unfortunately I miss him.
I also have good support-family and therapist-that are a huge help in dealing with the pain. i guess I'm just worried that by "laying down the law" I am just prolonging the pain and the inevitable breakup. i hope with all my heart that I am wrong.
My sponsor always tells me you can't have fear and faith at the same time. My mind can really get away from me, projecting into the future.
I've worked really hard to stay in the moment. My oldest daughter has been a practicing alcoholic/addict for over 10 years now, and I finally realized I have no control over what she is going to do, only over myself.
I sleep well at night now, knowing my higher power has a plan for each and every one of us, and that includes her too.
I'll keep you in my prayers (((hugs)))
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
The most important thing about recovery is doing what is best for you. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life. It's about living the life you so richly deserve.
I try not to project too far into the future, as that always gets me into trouble. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. His recovery is up to him, not us. Hopefully the seed has been planted with him. You can be loving and supportive of his recovery. But that doesn't mean you have to stay with him if you don't want to. You don't have to decide these things right now. They will come when you are ready for them. Learning to detach is one of the most empowering tools Alanon has given to me. Melodie Beattie has some great books on it. Look at The Language of Letting Go. I found it very helpful. Keep working your program. It's so worth it.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
U R raw. I have been there too. It gets better but very slowly. Get to as many face to face meetings as you possibly can, your life depends upon it, literally. You do not even need to say anything at those meetings if you do not want to- just go and go and go some more and listen for words or phrases that jump out at you. Buy some books there at the meetings. Have them near. Attend as many meetings per week as you can. Do not worry about how you look, act or feel. The people at the meetings will embrace you regardless of how you show up. Let them love you.
Thank you SO MUCH everyone. I am so heartened by your words. Karilynn I will definitely look for that book. I am worried about not getting to a meeting this week because I am travelling for the holidays but I'm going to look outside of my usual area for today.
Hugs to you all. It is so nice to not being going through this alone. I really like the advice of not having to decide now. I feel so torn because I have such love for him and he tells me again and again how much he loves and adores me and how devastated he would be if I left. And part of me really wants to stay. But I feel uneasy....and yes, raw. I don't have to decide now. I am leaving for 5 days to see family so that will be a good time to regroup with myself and feel some things out.
