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I'm having a hard time understanding "detach with love"! My son is the alcoholic who is 24 yrs. old. and he lives on his own. I told him he was not allowed to spend the night at my house unless he asks me first. I have a garage with a combination and he had the combo for emergencies. Well, he abused that privelige a few times now. So I told him the other day that I was going to change the combination becasue I was tired of him coming to my house in the middle of the night drunk and sleeping over. And then staying at my house all day the next day, eating my food and taking a shower. Anyway, he knew the new rules so yesterday morning I find him in my spear bedroom sleeping on the floor. The room reeked of alcohol!! I was so angry. I asked him how he got in my house and he said through an unlocked window. We got into a big argument, he called me all sorts of names and said mean, & evil things to me. As he was walking out the door, I said I don't ever want to see you again!! My question is, how do you detach with love when the alcoholic doesn't have any respect for me? How can I be loving when he hurts me with the name calling and the other evil things that were said??
I don't know if this will help you or not, but I'll share a little bit in regards to my oldest daughter (29), who is an active alcoholic.
I love her and I always will. I will never stop praying for her. However, I do NOT have to tolerate abusive behavior/insults/invading my home.
I actually had a restraining order put on her for almost two years after she sucked my then 14 year old daughter into her madness, stepped over every boundary I had laid out in this house (I had given her a chance to start over after she did a stint in jail), and manipulated me for the last time.
I changed the locks on my doors, and she wasn't even allowed to call me.
I have detached emotionally and physically from her. The day I booted her out the door I was called every name in the book.
I don't have to put up with that, and I won't. End of story.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Roxygirl5, I can totally relate to your situation. I have been in similar ones myself with my daughter. I felt as though she had ripped my heart out and stomped on it. My reaction was to protect my heart and build a wall around it. It felt so hard, like an icy cold stone.
The details of the situation(s) are not important, but the process of this program is what helped me. A very precious woman at a face-to-face meeting allowed me to vent and cry and express my bitterness. Then she suggested that I ask God to keep my heart open toward my daughter even as I set the boundries that I had to set. Oh my how I cried.....
The boundries were terribly difficult to establish. But, I remained firm. I also discovered that I truely loved my daughter (warts and all) and loving her was why I had to set these boundries. It was not easy. I needed lots of support which I had from alanon meetings.
Sometimes we can literally love them to death. We must learn how to truly love them and ourselves. It ain't easy, but it is worth it. So, my suggestion to you is to keep your heart open and loving as you do what is tough to do.
I was used to being tough with a hardened heart. I had to become willing for God to change my heart and my attitude. He did. I hope this helps you, dear and precious person whom God loves so very much!
That is a tough situation. None of us can tell you what to do, but many have been there. My son in his late teens was an absolute terror. And at the time I was just not prepared for what was going on.
For me detatchment with love means doing the right things for the right reasons reguardless of what others (especially the A's in our lives) have to say about it. Not to be spiteful, just simply because its right.
We have to look out for ourselves... our safety and our sanity, and this program helps me do that.
We do that with boundries, and they are ment to protect us and our serenity. What you told your son is a boundry. Want to be drunk... don't do it here. You have a right to be safe and sane, and if that gets in the way of either then don't give it a second thought.
I often felt guilty putting up boundries... and the A's in my life made sure to fuel that fire. But those boundries are not to hurt them... they are to save me. They are important.
Hope you will keep coming back. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
