Wow, we are almost in the same place, you and I....

I have been separated from my sober AH for 2 years. He will be moving back in the house next month. It took some time, but I was able to get to a place where I am able to work my program pretty well with him out of the house--detaching with love, not taking his inventory, keeping my side of the street clean, etc.  My biggest "fear" now is that I won't be able to do it when he moves back in....will I get "sucked back in" and lose myself in the relationship again??

What is that saying that we use, "fear" is future expectations appearing real, or something like that??  I am trying to take that to heart.  I am trying to stay grounded in reality--trying to stay where my hands are, so to speak. I remind myself that I am a different person now--I no longer live in denial. Instead, I try to live in reality.

I also tell myself that we are simply moving onto another, different phase of living "one day at a time" and that my job is simply to keep doing what I am doing--go to my meetings, meet with my sponsor, do my service work, and take care of my own emotional, spiritual and physical health. If I continue to do all those things, the rest will play out the way it is supposed to...

What has amazed me over the past two years is that the healthier that we both become, the more married I feel, even though we are separated. It isn't about having a weekly "date night" (althought that's nice) or that we can actually carry on a rational discussion (also nice). It's more about the fact that we are both fully present in the relationship. I am not sure that he was ever truly present before, so it is an entirely new experience for me, albeit a nice one.

Hang in there--you are not alone!!  Recovery is a wonderful thing--I have hope today for a relationship with my AH that I never thought was possible.  It continues to be a slow process, but I see small miracles every day with him and with us.  Just remember to breathe and to be gentle with yourself. 

I left my AH because I was beginning to literally feel like I was going to kill him if some kind of odd situation presented itself- a bad fight in the kitchen near the knife drawer, etc. It scared me half to death to begin to feel this way towards someone I loved. I felt completely insane. It was my rock bottom. Verbal abuse was spiraling into physical abuse. I felt like the best option for me was to murder him and then spend the rest of my life in jail. That was how nuts I was. I thank my HP for making me see I needed to get as far away from him as possible and figure some things out. Our lives together were completely miserable in every way- daily loud aggressive fights, throwing things, he would punch walls and self-harm (punch himself in the head full force).

I was very lucky in that I had an option of a place to go very very far away from him and he agreed to the financial arrangement (through an excellent mediator) to allow me to do it (I was financially dependent upon him).

SLS I am absolutely petrified I will get sucked back in. You totally got it. I have been seeing a therapist and attending F2F alot and I am ready to actually "practice" in daily life with him. But I have boundaries now and I need to be more of myself now- not the people pleaser I used to try to be at all times. I now know that my feelings of wanting to kill him were years of resentment and years of not taking proper care of myself. I was an incredibly toxic mess. I have my own disease. I know that now and have tools and a program and al-anon friends. I can never return to that monster. I know I am not perfect. I know I will make mistakes. I know the 3 c's. I work my program. I have my priorities: HP comes first, Program 2nd, me 3rd, family and friends 4th (this is where he comes in) and then career, etc. I need this structure and will cling to it. Yep, the gentleness part is essential and is tough for me.

I think the key piece you mentioned was the standing in reality, one day at a time. I was so completely distorting everything and blowing everything out of proportion. I think acceptance is key for me. Accept what comes as opposed to manipulating it, denying it, bargaining with it, hating it, crying over it, blaming, self-pitying, etc. etc. ad nauseum...

My AH had a horrible time with the separation. He howled and hated on me for a full year about it. Especially so because he was paying for it!! Afterall, I was the one that made him look good, kept it all together for him, stood by his side, showed up with him, made sure bills got paid, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, was sweet and friendly with people when he was an asshole, etc. I spent all of last summer (two months) in weekly marriage counseling therapy where all he did is hammer on me about what a victim he was in the situation and how I was totally to blame, blame, blame. I calmly listened and quietly stood my ground. There was nothing the therapist could do- my AH would show up unshaven, in dirty clothes, as unappealing as possible. He forced himself to sleep on a camping ground pad in his basement (he owns a large duplex outright- no mortgage, collects good rent from it, etc.) and was really playing it up how I had ruined his life. I did not buy into it for a second. But he needed to get it out and we paid thousands of dollars in shrink bills so he could do it- all out of him and onto me in a professionally supervised situation. Whatever floats the boat, I decided...I love him a lot and feel this is a very very important spiritual crossroad for me to work this out and locate serenity with where I am at.

I went to grad school far away. I totally invested in myself not just via al-anon but through education, lifestyle, food, exercise, improving my mind, etc. I set to right my family relationships with my sister and mom (both A's) and both are good to this day. I needed two full years to really clean myself up and become "sober" myself in every way possible. See, he may have a drinking problem but I have a thinking problem. I need sobriety as much as he does but its not about alcohol for me, its about my mind/thinking.

I feel good now. I really do and its been a long hard road. But al-anon really made it all come together for me.

My AH is a powerful, charismatic, highly intelligent person. He knows every button of mine intimately. He is a ruthless asshole in many ways. I needed to get out from under him in order to recover. I never could have done it without getting away from him. And believe me, I am no shrinking violet myself!

-- Edited by Jean4444 at 06:06, 2007-11-20

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What you are missing, though, is that in my case neither one of us is the same person so there can't be the "same rut."

A healthy relationship (I have come to learn) does not require me to give up my independence. It is about sharing our lives, not giving up mine to live his with him (or for him).

My husband moved out with about 6 months sobriety. He did not have a sponsor and was "white-knuckeling" it. He was happy to move out in some ways--too much pressure at home from the "wreckage of the past." It was a horrible situation before he got sober and he came right back after getting out of treatment. We "acted" like things were working themselves out (went into MC), but it was just that--an act. The house became a powder keg waiting to blow.

It took him finally getting a sponsor and starting to work a program before he started to realize that he missed me but we agreed that we both had work to do. He had to figure out sobriety and learn how to live on his own and be self-sufficient. If he had moved back at that time, I wold have fallen into the "same rut" because nothing had changed yet--I had not changed. I had just gotten a sponsor and I was just starting to work the steps.

Fast forward to a year into the separation. We agree that we will continue to maintain the status quo (he contributes to the household) but we start having a "date night" once a week. It gave us the opportunity to work on communication and oftentimes boundaries. Everytime he showed up for dinner and followed-through with plans, my trust in him grew, etc...

Now we are two years into the separation. We are able to talk about hard things for the most part and we don't "shut down." We rarely strike out in fear with our words anymore. It is baby steps...but there is progress. Some days I am absolutely certain that I will not lose myself in the relationship again when he moves back. Those days are great. Other days I am certain that I will....on those days I call my sponsor, go to a meeting and get busy.

Boundaries are so important and by taking the time to let this separation play itself out in its own time, I have been given time to learn how to set those in this new relationship. Things like what behavior is acceptable and what isn't or how I will be spoken to (tone of voice type issues). It takes time. You don't recover from the past and all of the pain over night. In our situation there was LOTS of pain of every sort. It just takes time.

Bottom line is that I like the new me and I like the new him. If I didn't, I wouldn't still be here--the program has shown me that I have a choice. I didn't believe that before.