The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A question for those of you with A's that have established a successful long-term recovery (5+ years?) and forgive me if I sound naive.
After years of successful recovery with your A, do you still keep your guard up, work your program, and take nothing at face value? In other words, does the Al-Anon approach to living with an A continue for as long as you both shall live, regardless of how long they've been in successful recovery?
When they're late to meet you or don't call when they said they were going to, even years later, do you still wonder? Or eventually do you get to a point where, after years of seeing this person working hard and living successfully have you been able to exhale a bit and begin to believe that it just might be over?
Jeff, Great question. I can not answer it as my "A" has never made it that far. But I am looking forward to hearing the esh that our members have to share.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
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"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
That's an excellent question, and thanks for asking that. I had to ask myself that when letting go. Will there ever be a point when I can fully trust him? When I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop? Finally, I decided I had to just move on because I honestly don't think I could ever trust him again. I don't know if it would have been possible. I have a friend who has an AH who has been sober 10+ years and I wonder if she still worries? I think once bitten twice shy and maybe that can never be let go fully. I'm interested to see what others say. Are there folks here who have had an other who has been clean 5 years? I think the odds are extremely low in recovery.
My father has been in recovery for 18 years now. Although there is *always* that chance for a relapse, I don't ponder about it any longer. I still just take it one-day-at-a-time. As time goes on, I began to be able to worry less and not have any expectations (good or bad)with my father.
My son has been clean/sober and diligently working his program for almost 5 months now, and with him I still am nervous, of course. I also have no expectations regarding his progress (or relapse) and am trying to work on my own recovery as well.
I believe that we need to work our Al-anon steps and use our tools with many situations in our life, not only with dealing with addiction/alcoholism. So even with 5+ recovery, we still need to continue with our progam and believing in our HP for whatever will be His will.
As for trust...well, that comes with the actions of our A's. We have to let them earn our trust again and that doesn't happen overnight. We can be supportive and encourage them but still be cautious.
Oh indeed No matter what anyone else does with their program, it is wise that we always work ours. Because no one else can take responsibility for our lives or our happiness but ourselves, we are also responsible to continue working our own program. We are also required to continue to challenge ourselves and to continue to keep working toward ongoing growth. If we stop working our program, we grow backwards not simply to who we were when we came in, but even worse. More over, we need to consider that making someone else the reason why we stay motivated is a signal our pro gram has gone stale. maybe nwe need to find new meetings; sponsor a newcomer; bring meetings to prisons on family visit day; establish a meeting at a new location; take up a service commitment we hadn't con sidered. whenever we make another person our reason for something, we make them our HP.
Year 5? I'm working on today! When I stay focused on today, enjoying what is given to me today, I could care less what will happen 5 years from today. If the A found sobriety today, what else matters? If I am happy, joyous and free today who cares what might go wrong tomarrow? I think trust might be established again in time. I don't think it should be rushed or even expected. I will not trust untrustworthy people. That doesn't mean I won't love untrustworthy people. I will, I do. I'm not saying I am not jaded but with the help of this program and the people I am remembering how to love life. I'm sure I will always wonder when they are not there when they say they will be. But if I am sucessfully working MY program it will not send me into anexity, hysterics or immediate anger. I will learn to cope in a better way and know that no matter what the A does, I will be ok. Hope this helps, take what you like and leave the rest...
Seriously I haven't seen the A in my life make it for 5 days very often lately. But the thing is if I'm working my program I am not as affected as I was before Al-anon. I am taking care of me for the first time in 30 some years. I have no anxiety about what he decides to do.
I will not allow myself to be sucked into his agenda. I am detached from that portion of his life. I still love him and find that whatever good times we have are much better now that I am working my steps and following my program.
I still have hope that some day my A may have 5 years of sobriety under his belt but if he doesn't, I am still living my life "One day at a time" and I know I will always continue to do so.
Take Care
Cookie
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
My A/addict is on his second year in recovery. I still work my program, not because of him like I did in the begining, but now it is just for me. I find working the program has helped me in many aspects of my life, so the idea of stopping it just doesn't appeal to me. I sincerely believe I would continue with my program even if my higher power came to me and told me my A would never use again, lol. As time has gone by I have noticed my trust in my A building, it certainly is not where it was before the "nightmare" began, but I no longer get paniced when he is alittle late. I no longer fear handing him the ATM card to go to the store. He had never been allowed to know the PIN to the card before but he knows it now.....do I worry? At times, yes, but I find I do this when I am lacking something within myself, not because of his actions. These times are farther and fewer between and each time is less in duration and less intense. Most times when I feel that "flutter" in my stomach now, it passes in a few min. My guards, which were more like a fortress at one point, are now down to maybe the size of a decorative garden fence, lol. It has taken time and alot of work, but it has been worth it. I know there is always a chance for relapse, but I cannot and will not sit day to day and just wait for it and worry about it. I have much better places to spend my energy. And I chose not to worry about something that may not happen. I don't think I could remain married to him if I seriously thought I would never trust him again, what would be the point? It would not be fair to either of us. I feel confident in myself and my program that if that day should come, I will be ok. For now, my program keeps me in today, out of yesterday and eagerly waiting for all the good in tomorrow.
