The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A very good Sunday morning to you all. I wanted to share with you something that happened this past week. As you can probably tell from the title, hubby did indeed relapse again a couple of weeks ago.
Well last Sunday while I was getting ready for work I found a bottle underneath the couch. (I wasn't looking, I dropped my keys.) Now I can always tell when he drinks, no matter how small the amount. I pulled out the bottle and for a brief moment felt the anger and resentment coming back. But I said the serenity prayer and put the bottle on the table and went to work. I did not say anything to him about it when I came home. This time around I was bound and determined to handle things differently. Monday he asked me about and I told him. He told me he dumped the rest out. (Now I knew this wasn't true, but I said "Okay"). He apologized and said it was an old bottle. Tuesday I heard the bottle open, and I calmly went into the bedroom and said "Honey, I know about the bottle. It's okay you don't have to hide it."
Why did I do this? Because I wanted him to know that I understand (not approve) of what's been happening. I know how hard those demons are to face. I know the shame he feels when he relapses as that's why he hides it. Well we started talking, calmly, lovingly without judgement. He asked me NOT to kick him out. I told him that I wasn't planning on it. Relapse is a part of the disease. I also know that he isn't doing this everyday. I asked him why he hasn't reached out to his sponsor, and he said that he was ashamed. I did make it clear that HP forbid that it ever got as bad as before, that I would ask him to leave. I am not prepared to go through that hell again. I wasn't going to make any demands about how I think he should work his recovery. I did encourage him if he wants to look at AA online, then I would help him. There is a meeting he likes but it's about a 75 mile round trip. The cost of gas I told him was not an issue when it came to this. We can economize elsewhere.
We hugged, we cried, we laughed. He was a little shaky the past several days and was afraid that he took the drinking too far. He remembers some of the ICU two years ago. He's slowly coming back to the land of the living. Hard when you continually beat yourself up. I try to remind him we have both slipped in our recoveries, but we move ahead day by day, minute by minute if we have too. That no matter what happens I will always love him. I remind him that he's a good, kind, fun-loving man.
I am amazed by the amount of growth that has happened this past week. I now know for sure how much this program has helped me. Wise, dear Abbyal always reminds us about the "old idea". I got it but not quite as fully as I did this week. You're right, I was (and still am in some ways) an "old idea". I can't hope that hubby will recover if I continue to handle things in the same old way. The old me, would have turned this house upside down. The old me, would have yelled and screamed. The old me, would have thrown out the bottles. Wanna talk about a crazy lunatic in the house? You're looking at her! Once in a while I still catch myself smelling his water bottle. I'm human.
I still cry when I see a bottle, because I want him to recover and enjoy life again. I'm not mad at him anymore. The anger has subsided. I can get angry at the disease, but not at him. I see the struggle in his face. I know in my heart of hearts that he wants his sobriety. I can't do it for him. Would that I could. (How's that for being a good cody?) He can't work my program for me either. It has to come from within. I came across a quote from some of daily meditations: "Control is the opposite of freedom. .... No one grows emotionally, intellectually or spiritually if energy is being expended controlling." I can't control his drinking nor his recovery. But I can change how I react to it. Releasing that control has allowed us to be more honest with each other than we ever have been. Yes, I trully believe that an addict can be honest.
Something happened this week to both of us. Call it a spiritual awakening. I have never felt more serene while dealing with his relapse. Who would have thought that was possible? Certainly not I. From the bottom of my heart, I thank all of you for all the lessons you have taught me. I could not have made this journey without your love, guidance and patience. If you get the chance, hug your A. Tell them you love them. Hold them close and realize there is good and kindness in everyone.
Much love and blessings to you all. Enjoy your Sunday.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
-- Edited by Karilynn at 11:18, 2007-11-18
-- Edited by Karilynn at 11:22, 2007-11-18
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
One thing that gets asked a lot here is "But if I accept him as he is, if I love him even if he is drinking, isn't that the same as 'giving him permission'?" Your post has answered that, beautifully.
This was really a wonderful and beautiful post to read. Thank you for this positive interlude this morning. I got dressed for church and then couldn't go. I often get ready to do things and because of all that is on my mine, just can't go on with normal activities. I am in a very bad way today emotionally...so filled with resentment and anger over my broken family and just so sad about the upcoming holidays. It was so nice to read your message and it comforted me some.
Thanks for the honest post. I've not had to deal with relapse but if I do I hope I can handle it as eloquently and calmly as you are. I feel so bad for your hubby. Please tell him that we (hubby and I) are praying and rooting for him. He did it before, he can do it again :)
love you both, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
You guys are amazing, and a glowing example of growth together. I wish you both all the best and want you to know how much it means to have you share it with us.
It doesn't happen often, but I am speachless with the expression of love you just told.
Keep the faith... you are both in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 12:23, 2007-11-18
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
How lucky he is, to have you in his life. Your Love first of all if so felt thru your words. You support is the biggest thing of all...but you my dear lady are just plain amazing.
I am happy to call you my friend your compassion just shines in your words. You bring tears to my eyes.
How lucky you both are to have each other.....the world.....Love.
Thank you for sharing- your beauty and love shines through. You are an inspiration adn I so appreciate your posts, your wisdom, your insight. You've helped me a lot. You are a blessing. Hugs In recovery, Twinkie
Thanks for sharing your miracle with the family. It is surely because of your miracle and all the others including my own that I have witnessed, that I keep coming back. I am happy you got this one and I am elated because of all the others (miracles) that are coming your way as you continue to grow in the program. Thanks soooo much for your ESH. It works if you work it!!
I am so glad for you. I remember that well. So so glad you found serenity. No matter what you know you will be ok.
I see you have learned that his using is a disease and you don't take it personal.
Whether he uses or not, of course you want him back in recovery. But as we know, that is not up to us. So might as well love them while they are still loveable. The dang disease has a way of getting worse and taking them away.
I remember the precious times. Long gone now.
It is a paradox isn't it? Such a very sad thing to see them fighting that horrible disease. Then the disease wins once again and that one we love is pretty much gone.
You can keep the love going however. Sending ya both a hug. love,debilyn
Thank you for sharing that Karilyn. Control is the opposite of freedom...great food for thought. I admire your honesty and your compassion, and your boundaries. pw
Karilynn, I am sorry that hubby has relapsed. As you and others say, that seems to be part of alcoholism, and a part which most of us have grown to expect.
I can tell that you come from proud, solid stock, as your "grace under fire" is amazing.
Please know that my thoughts, cares, and prayers are with you. Hang in there.
With great affection,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thank you so much for sharing. That really was a wonderful post. I can only hope to be that calm about everything should my husband relapse. You have a wonderful heart and I know your hubby is so glad to have you in his life. Way to go!
Once in a while I still catch myself smelling his water bottle. I'm human. 
