The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this board. I just spent about a hour reading posts and decided to give this a whirl.
I've been separated from my AH for almost 6 months. After 30-something years of marriage, I decided that I could not live with alcoholism any longer. My once gentle, soft-spoken, good-hearted husband had become someone that I didn't evenr recognize, someone that I actually feared would get so angry that he'd blow me away, along with him.
He broke down and went into rehab about two weeks after I had left (I filed for divorce, too). He went into a 30-day program. He now attends 3 meetings per week. He seems to actually get something from them.
I get the sense that he thinks since he stopped drinking, I should come home and carry on. He has told our two grown sons that he doesn't understand how I can stay away; after all, he needs me more than ever. So he says. I do think he thinks he needs me. And that is what I find so disturbing. I tell him that he has to do this (stay in recovery) for HIM, not me, not us. For him.
The thought of moving back into the home that we built together - I mean literally built with our own hands - makes me tear up. I go back ever now and then. I pass by the places where he used to hid his whiskey and I get this sickening feeling. I find myself studying the way he walks, talks and looks. I always looking for signs of drinking. Through the years, I was lied to so much. Okay, my husband lied to himself, too.
The thought of going back is not something I want to entertain right now. At times I feel heartless.
I haven't gone to an Al-anon meeting. I just don't know if I want to sit around a table and hear about what alcoholism does to our lives.
Thanks for 'listening.' Many of the posts here I find helpful.
I didn't want to go to alanon because I was sure it was a bunch of whiney women sitting around b****ing about the fact that they married an alcoholic. I finally decided to go and give those poor, misguided women some of MY wisdom LOL! They told me how Aism effected their lives and then they told me how they got better. Despite Aism. They laughed and were so honest and not one of them said to me "Do it this way or it won't work". When I did it my way, the accepted me, when I didn't know what to do, they loved me. When I lost my mind, they were still there. They never judged me, they never kicked me out. They never told me that my decisions to stay or go were wrong. They simply supported me right where I was. It was unconditional love. It was real and it has helped me heal. No one who has not been thru these things understands the way we do. People who haven't been affected by this disease have all sorts of advice for us. Leave them, don't be so sensitive, show them who's boss, roll with it, take care of them, tough love. And when we don't do it thier way, they get mad. They do not understand. We here in alanon understand. It is the best feeling of comfort in the world to finally be understood. We understand wanting to kill the A but still loving them so much that you can't leave. I would encourage you to get to a f2f and keep posting here. No matter what you decide, we will be here to support you.
I find that at face to face meetings, most of the members spend very little time talking about the alcoholic. I had been going to my meeting for about two years before I finally knew exactly who the alcoholic in the lives of the all the regulars was. We talk about ourselves, even more in f2f than here on the board. Share insights we have had, tell what worked and what did not work in helping us deal with the challenges of our lives.
It doesn't cost anything, it doesn't take long, and you hear the darndest things. Beats watching TV for an hour, once a week.
It takes courage to come to this MIP board and share. They tell us to go to 6 - f2f meetings and then make a decision. Al-Anon teaches us to keep the focus on us. Sounds like you have detached from the disease of alcoholism. What I have found is that when they sober up, there may still be the "ism".
I too am separated from my AHSober after a 30+ year marriage. He left two years ago. He had been sober for over 20 years. I was devastated when he left but I was also in denial about what our relationship was really about. I was sick too. He still hasn't filed for divorce. I told him to do what he had to do. Divorce is not in my value system today; maybe tomorrow. I go to meetings, I cry, I pick myself up and have started creating a life by myself. Our sons are grown and don't say much. I have tried to give the appearance that mommy and daddy are still friends. But my AHsober doesn't do much.
I sympathize with you. 30+ years is a long time with lots of memories. What helps me is to ask my higher power what I am to do.
Hi Stormie, Welcome...You've come to the right place. So sorry for what you are going through. How courageous of you to post and share your story. In so doing you are not only helping yourself but helping others too.
I was surprised at the love, peace and support I've gained from Al-Anon. For me it was the non-judgemental, safe and caring place I needed to start healing from the affects of the disease. No one will advise you to do anything nor will they judge you on what you do and how you do it. It is usually advised to try a few different meetings in your area if you have the ability as every meeting has a different personality. However, whether you decide to go to a meeting or not, know you are loved in a very special way and we are here for you if you need to keep coming back to post your feelings. You don't need to go through this alone anymore.
Thank you for for welcoming me. I have given it some thought to attend Al-Anon meetings. I'm still in the 'thinking' stage, however. I have a psychologist that I see periodically. But I realize that he can't really understand what I'm going through.
Thank you for all your encouraging words. I will consider them carefully, as well as come back to this site to learn and possibly contribute. Stormie
