The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this board. I am 25 years old and am from Michigan. My boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic and recovering cocaine addict. He also smoked pot daily for the first two and a half years of our relationship. I am a non-alcoholic non-drinker. I have been to some Al-Anon meetings but have a hard time getting to them because I am taking 16 credits at school as well as working 40 hours a week. My A has been sober for a year and a half. I guess my problem, or what I need to vent, is that even after a year and a half of him being sober, I have such a hard time trusting him. I don't know if this is normal. I guess my biggest issue is that although he is sober, he is still working at a college bar as a bartender, and most of his coworkers are also the people he used to do drugs with. But he IS sober and has been for quite some time. He attends meetings at least twice a week and is very close with the guys in his group.
His sobriety is a result of him coming home blacked out drunk and beating me up, then waking up in a jail cell not remembering any of it. That was his "rock bottom" so I guess I feel it is a rational and justified fear that he is going to use again. I am also feeling pretty scared because through his entire sobriety he has been on probation, with random drug tests and PBTs. His probation is up in a month. I am so incredibly scared that he is going to get off probation and start using again, especially working at a job where he is surrounded by friends who drink and use. I try to keep my fears to myself, I guess I have been so wrapped up in school and work and trying to get myself to where I need to be, that I haven't really had any place to vent BUT to him. It's not easy keeping it bottled up but I feel like talking to him about my fears is almost like giving him an excuse to use...
I think the hardest thing for me is my concern that for the rest of my life I am going to be afraid of this. I don't want to be weighed down by this forever. I want to feel like I know he is going to stay sober, but I don't. I guess part of me knows that his addiction is his problem, but I feel like I am in a place now where I still have the choice of leaving. I am 25, we don't have kids, and we aren't married. So there's this voice in my head telling me to just get out now, take some time to be alone, and then eventually find a relationship where this isn't an issue. But then.... I love him. And I love him sober. And the person he is now... I can see myself with that person for the rest of my life. But the question lingers, what if he isn't always that person?
Anyway, I am glad I have found someplace to vent. So thanks for listening.
Keep coming back! Lots to learn here. I would keep listening to the voice in your head because it may be your higher power showing your the way. My experience, strength and hope is that there still is the "ism" even tho they stop drinking. They have to relaly work their program to lose all that negative behavior. Focus on yourself and take care of yourself.
Wow, what a tricky problem. I know exactly what you mean and I know what it is like living with that constant fear that it could happen again at any moment. If I were you I would make an inventory in writing reasons to stay reasons to go and see which one is longer. Also, I have lived with 2 different A's for the past 15 years and have 3 kids and I walked out 15 months ago and couldn't be happier so it's never "too late" to leave if that's what's right. I can't give you advice as to what is best for your particular situation but I can tell you this. Have a plan that you fully intend to act on if it does happen again. If you intend to leave have an individual account with some money and keep your important stuff in a safe deposit box or something. If you think you're going to get hit get away from the situation as quickly as possible and try to avoid the fight, placate him and tell him he's right or whatever you have to say to get out of the house. If you decide you're going to do something follow through and don't be sweet talked out of your decision. Those are the only things I can say from my experience. I was never beat up by my husband, just emotionally tormented and treated like crap.
I am married to a recovering alcoholic (13 years on December 8th) ... I did not know him when he was drinking - but I grew up with an alcoholic father so I full well know what it is like to live with an active (and violent) alcoholic.
When I first learned (while dating) that my then boyfriend was a recovering alcoholic - I knew that it was a forever thing - once you are an alcoholic you are always an alcoholic. I had to take a couple of days to think about whether or not I wanted to get into a relationship where there existed such potential.
Trouble was ... I was already in love with him. Plus, he had been sober for 10 years by then - so I felt okay about it.
But then every so often I will hear a story about an alcoholic who has been in recovery for 20 plus years and he/she relapsed. It can happen, regardless of how long someone is in the program.
However, you can also meet someone that doesn't have a drinking problem ... and eventually develops one. There are no life guarantees.
PLUS - in alanon I am always being reminded that I need to worry more about what I am doing (or not doing) than to worry about what someone else might do or not do :)
Well - I guess that is my two cents Hope it helped some~
Hope it helped some~