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New here and looking for some guidance wife is an A and also abuses ephedra supplements. Have caught her taking the pills numerous times and each time the promises are made to stop. All I asked was to tell me if she used again that never happened the denial that the pills were hers even when they were in her hand is baffling to me. I have been blamed for the use of the pills as she says she needs them to keep up with everything. She on several occassions relasped and got drunk. She went through the program 17 yrs ago and when i met her there were no issues and she never explained to me what being a A in recovery meant. She was not attending meetings or doing anything with the program. I guess I was naive and thought she was cured. She finally found meetings and started to attend and it seemed to help some. Part of the agreement to continue the marriage was she would tell me everyday she hadnt used (her idea) and it helped me. Then found out it was a lie and she continued to use the ephedra. Again I tried to continue and hoped the program would help her sort it out. I then find that she has an affair atleast emotionally not sure about the physical with her "spiritual advisor" in AA. I had noticed numerous calls on the cell phone bill to a strange number over a two month period and one day she had her calls forwarded to my number and he called. She had him listed as Debbie cell in her phone after confronting her I am told that he is gay and is only helping her deal with me. Then I found out he has kids so then he is bi and is no threat. My brother then informs me he saw her in a strange driveway with a man matching the description of the "spritual advisor" and it turns out this was his house. We separated and she is staying with a friend from the program. After a few weeks we attempted to work on our marriage and she said over and over she wanted to save her marriage. It was really going great and I realized that I had treated her badly since the substance abuse and since I agreed to continue in the marriage at the time I should have put it behind me but I didnt. I probably should have ended it after the 4th time and moved on. After a week of good communication and working on us I find that she had a prepaid cell phone and the contact with the spiritual advisor continued through out working on us. I listened to a voice mail left by him and the message had little to do with spiritual guidance and more about physical. I am so confused as I really thought the meetings were doing her good but now think it was more him than the group. He has set her up doing work at the inter group office and doing other AA service work. Is this a cover or will it do some good for her. Again she is wanting to work on our marriage I am so confused as I love the healthy her so much but the other person I detest. I want her to work a program but her relationship with the other man is one I doubt I can handle and the mistrust issue is still huge. I have no idea what the truth is and find myself doubting every word that comes out of her mouth. I just dont think I am strong enough to continue to deal with this. Part of me wants to demand that she find another group but in the end I know if she chooses to see this man she will find a way. The comments that somehow the drug use, the relapse and the affair are my fault because I did or didnt do this or that just kill me and I have found myself trying to make up for what I might have done. I guess inside I know the right answer for me but the glimmer of hope has not yet been lost. Part of me is so digusted with the AA program but yet then I realize she is responsible for her actions. I am so tired of addiction issues. I know that I am not responsible for any actions other than my own but for 6 of the 8 years we have been together is has been very good only the last two years since the substance abuse started have been horrible. Sorry for the length of this post but it is a long complicated story and your insight and experiences may be helpful.
Oh, so sorry you are going through this, but it's a pretty common story. She's a sick person, and until she truly chooses to work an honest program of recovery, she will lie, and she will use. This is what they do - it's not you, it's just reality.
They also blame - it's one of the most widespread facets of the disease, along with lying.
So, that's her - what she is doing is most likely what she will continue to do, at least for a while. So, this place is for you to take the focus off of her, and put it where it belong, on yourself. You need some support, some help, soemone to reassure you that it is NOT in fact your fault. That's what we are here for - we have all been through what you are going through, in one way or another.
My husband was also a 13th stepper - it's difficult. I knew that his addictions were killling him and wanted him to stop, even if it meant the end of our marriage, but I still had a lot of rage and bitterness. It felt to me that AA was full of hypocrites - 13th stepping is by no means rare. Reality is, of course, the problem is not AA, it's the fact that most of the people there have a cunning and baffling disease that is out to destroy them - if it can't do it one way, it will another.
Ultimately, my focus has to be on what I can or cannot live with, and finding a healthy way to get my needs met. I can do nothing about someone else's actions, except decide if I will or will not accept them.
Welcome to Alanon Dave :) What a story, I'm so glad you found us, because you could really use some support here :)
There's "more stuff" going on with your wife than alcoholism and substance abuse, and if the activity going on between her "spiritual advisor" and her is anything like you think it is, it is WRONG and not representative of the AA program. Since AA/Alanon are made up of human beings, these things happen but are very much frowned upon! You have the idea of Step 13 down pat, I'm sure.
The purpose of Alanon is to help you get your focus onto what YOU need to do for yourself. We work with SAME SEX spiritual advisors or "sponsors" who help us work through the steps. This is also the ideal set up for sponsorship in AA, opposite sex sponsorship is generally not supported. Sponsorship relationships can become very close, intimate, and invested, and hopefully DO so the trust is there.
We don't come into this program because our lives are just humming along great :D . So these interpersonal boundaries are in place for a lot of good reasons.
Anyway, it is 'par for the course' that an active drinker/drug user blames US and everyone else for their drinking and behavior. They are very convincing, and because of that we often believe them and take responsibility for THEIR behaviors, battering ourselves for nothing. Only the alcoholic can decide to quit and change their life.
I'd really recommend attending Alanon meetings for yourself so you don't feel so alone in your current trials. You aren't alone. And you need the support. You need clarity on your situation, what is YOUR problem(s) to deal with and what you need to leave to your wife.
This board has a lot of recovery and support for you too. There are online meetings as well for those in between times.
No matter how complicated your story is there is hope for you.
Take care of yourself. This is your life, your choices. We'll be there for you whatever you decide to do :)
My ex is currently engaged to an A whom he met in the program. Ofcourse, this is silly as we are still leagally married. I don't know who 13 stepped who but it is a very sick relationship. A person really working the AA program to stay sober will not be involved with anyone new for at least a year. That is the recomendation. Just because someone is in AA does not mean they are healthy or even working a program. Even if they have been there for years, have a sponser and work the steps. Having an oppisite sex sponser is just not done. So that right there is bunk. I am sorry you are going thru this. Unless you are an alcoholic, it doesn't matter if you like or agree with AA or not. Alanon is for us. It helps us. Personally, I have some really huge resentments against people in AA who represent the AA program. But most of the AA's I know who are not in alanon have some really screwed up ideas of who we are too. Who cares. I'm not about to start a class action law suit against those still sick and suffering. This topic is still a sore subject for me so I don't have alot of ESH just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My life has gotten better with this program and these people. Seek out a F2F and bring this up, you will see how not alone you really are.
Thanks for the words of encouragement and support it does help and that is why I sought out this type of format. I have been here reading posts for several weeks before I decided to post and I am glad that I did. I do have a meeting list and plan on attending the next meeting as there is a site just a few blocks from me. Reading the messages on here has helped me clarify what I am and am not responsible for. I have also done a lot of work on what is and is not acceptable in my life. I guess that hardest part is still wondering if the person I fell in love with is still in there somewhere and afraid of giving up too soon. It is absolutely amazing what addiction and addiction thinking can do to people. I have never been exposed to this before so I guess I am so much luckier than alot of other people who have had to suffer through the misery most of their lives. Currently the lines of communication with A are open but that is today and tomorrow is another day. I am hopeful that I can come to terms with the boundries that need to be in place for me and stop continuing to be sucked in to the negative horrible behavior as I have done in the past. Again I truly appreciate the sharing of experiences and although I didnt understand how knowing someone else has gone through similar experiences would help it really does.
Hi Dave....I'm glad you are here. I've been through all of this, my ah was and is an active drinker, cheater. Thank my hp for finding alanon, to let me learn to focus on myself. The growth you achieve through meetings is life saving. I've got my serenity, and sanity back (most of the time), and when I lose it I know where to turn, my books, my groups, or right here. I feel for the pain you are going through, I have to admit I'll never understand why my a did what he did, other than he is sick. It isn't for me to understand I think, what is for me is to take care of myself, my kids, and to give everything else to my hp. I hope you find some peace at the f2f meetings, knowing what to do will come eventually, after you find yourself. My a and I are no longer together, this worked for me, but I am not you and you will have to find your own right answer. Start with the first step.....you are powerless over her, her actions, her addictions...I hope this helps....grateful
yep, same new old tricks, two years,knowing and the previous not seen,,its the control of not knowing thats the fear that drives this one,you have to let em be them for them so you can truly be you and not rapped up in them, but thats love and sometimes we dont get what we planned, ,,, dont you love that, shes covering for that dude and that should trigger your own sense, of what really went down , beer , cigs, clothes ,food, drugs ,sex,,,addiction,, its all fun till someone gets hurt,,right,, so keep your side of the street clean ,, its all you can do for you,,,,,sorry,, same thing here, gal got rapped up in mr idea, and allornon, and put a dampner on our seen,,
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