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I have not been to board for about 2 mos. Was feeling stronger and very busy with kids but seem to have crashed again recently. Just got the police report back on my BF's 8/1 fatal DUI crash. Blood alcohol was .23. Still having incredible guilt that I did not hear him leave the house that night or foresee the possibility he might try to drive somewhere. I hadn't lived the daily life under the same roof with him actively drinking, he had been sober since we started living together, we were only 3 weeks into his relapse. I don't know if I knew what to think, I was asking him WHY, what had happened was sure there must be some major event to trigger the drinking-and he assured me nothing, that "this is who I am". I am seeing a therapist, reading many books on grief, but I think of it obsessively all the time. I am still fixating on how I could have done a variety of things different, not have been playing with the kids, stayed in the living room with him etc; I know the drinking was his choice, but it seems so simple now, that if I would have been more perceptive to his state, he would be sitting here right now. But the worst thing, is I think I was trying to detatch so I wouldn't let his being messed up make me upset and feel bad or make me mad at and judging him, so I ignored him and played with our kids in the back of the house. Now, I feel that my selfishness, trying to protect my feelings by detatching ultimately led to his death. I feel like I sound like a lunatic. I almost wrecked my car this am because I was replaying all the horrible images from the past few months, his dad coming to tell me he was killed, seeing him at the mortuary and crying because I miss him, not concentrating on the road. I feel like I am doing all the "suppose to's" but not improving. Any thoughts?
Grief must be faced and that is what you are doing. There is no way around grief when you lose someone you love. With work and great care of yourself you will come through and eventually your life will improve. Grief counseling can be of great help as you associate with others who have suffered loss. Loss by accident is much harder to deal with, I think. So unexpected and so violent. Add to this your burden of your BF's alcohol and it is a huge thing to bear. Keep posting and talking about it. Go to a grief counselor or a group if you can. Put one foot in front of the other and face each minute, hour, day as best you can for now. Let us know how you are doing.
I think the most important thing to realize is that there is nothing you could have done to change it. Did you see the movie premonition with sandra bullock? It was about a woman who foresaw her husband's death and tried to stop it. It might be therapeutic for you to watch it. Also final destination had a similar theme, that when it's time to go you can't cheat death, it will find you one way or another. Don't know if you saw that one or not. My point is that if it was his time to go he would have gone one way or another and nothing that you changed would have stopped that. I hope you can find some comfort and relief in the thought that this is in no way your fault. You can't control the actions of another. I hope that you find some comfort and support to get through this.
First I want to say how sorry I am that you must go through this. It is a fact you must go through it and not around it. It is hard but it is also do-able in time. It is much more difficult if you spend that time blaming yourself. Realistically there is no healing in blame, just more destruction. I'm sure that is not what you want for you or your child.
When we are angry we want to blame. You are no more responsible for his death then you were for his life. I am saying this with great caring..... you are self blaming because you are not psychic and didn't hear him leave, that is absurd.
Have you considered that if you wouldn't have detached from his behavior what the last days might have been? Possibly fighting and hateful words that could never be taken back? He told you the truth when he said, "this is who I am". He was never going to be what you could make him be or what you could change. There is no way you could have changed or foreseen what was about to happen.
Like everything in life, you have choices. You can work through "what actually is" or you can create things that aren't and never were. You will spend a lifetime trying to rectify in your mind things that never were. It's impossible.
Please try your best to work through the facts. The "shoulds", the "what if's" and the "if only's" are a huge waste of energy. That same energy can be channeled to necessary grieving and accepting the loss. Finding the strengths that will help you and your child go on will serve you much better.
I write in rememberance of a time 19 yrs ago that I was in the darkets place I have ever known. Please take my words to heart because that is where they are from.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I am so sorry you are going through this. My daughter was in a wreck that critically injured her and my sons gf and killed her best friend. The day of the wreck she was grounded, her best friend was staying with us because her folks were out of town. They wanted to go swimming. I should have said no because daughter was grounded but I let her go. On the way to go swimming a young man crossed the center line and hit them head on.
My head wanted to tell me "if only" I would have said no. My sons gf had asked her mom to go tanning that afternoon and she said no, she didn't feel like it. Her head told her "if only" she had said yes...We shared these thoughts with each other while the girls were in ICU. It was easy to tell each other don't blame yourself, but it was a little harder to turn the thoughts off. The truth is and was...it was an accident period.
I am sure you didn't want your bf to drink that day, but you couldn't stop him...no one could. Even if you had been in the room, if he really wanted to go he would have gone. It's just the way alcoholism is.
Even today I will look at the aftermath of that wreck and my thoughts will want to go to if only and I would love to blame the driver of the other car too. That driver paid for his actions with his life..hard to have anger tword him. When I start to think that and catch myself ...I respond with stop! It was an accident!
I see so much pain in your post...but it makes me think of the 3 C's...We can not control the alcoholic, We can not cure them and we did not cause the alcoholism...I am thinking that maybe if you could try to stop those thoughts with the fact you could not control....Just a thought.
You are in my prayers KLM, please keep coming back and posting. In time things get easier.
I know these feelings are part of the process but it doesn't make it any easier. My best friend's daughter (who was also my daughter's best friend) drowned while in the care of my mother. There is nothing I could have done. I wasn't there, I wasn't supposed to be there. We had left the kids with my mother. I am in no way to blame for what happened. There is nothing I could have done to prevent this horrifying accident. I know this, I have been told this but I still feel responsible. I am in the middle as it was my best friend and my mother and my kids involved. If only, if only I had been there insted of visiting friends in NY. If only I had said to my mother it's not a good idea for her to take on the responsibility of someone else's kids. If only I hadn't left it all up to my mother and best friend. If only doesn't change a damn thing. It happened. I cannot change the past. You cannot change the past. It happened. It is real. What can I do to make life better, what can I learn form this, how can I grow, how can anything good come from this?
I don't know, I'm not there yet. It is awful. It is grief. One foot in front of the other is the only way I can get thru the day. There is so much anger and blame floating around connected to all of this. I believe in the process. I believe that I will get thru this, I am getting thru this. Somedays are better than others. I feel completly responsible and I don't know what to do with that feeling. But I can relate.
Alcoholism is a nasty disease. You were detatching because he was behaving in a way that called for that. You wouldn't detatch from a person who wasn't an active alcoholic. You were doing what you had to do. It will get better. Grief councling has been great for me and the kids. There are stages to grief, I don't remember them off hand but you might want to google them. I like the idea that there are stages and they are known, so I can feel anger or denile and know it is a normal stage and it will pass. Much luck and love to you and the kids
I can definitely empathise. I had an attack of if nly's last night. I had to call to a counselor and speak to them. Have you thought abut grief counselling?
As a child I was blamed for everything and I learned to take the blame. In al anon I've learend to take my 50% rather than 150%.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you will continue to post and keep putting it out there. I know that works for me very very well. This board is the one consient place I'll go to alk atr alll.
