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I find I am having to confront another fantasy here. I did not want to leave the A because I had this fantasy about he would at some point change. I've been gone 6 months now, if anything he is worse than he has ever been. Now I find I am confronting another fantasy that I would fall on my feet and not have to worry about stuff like bills, working all the time, company, house (where I live is so awful..it is really deplorable). I have this huge fantasy that out of nowhere is going to come this prince charming who is going to fix it all ofr me and I will not have to slog through this bill collecting moving, logistical niightmare. I will not have to look for another job (this one has no benefits) I will not have to work two jobs for ever and tehn some and still have to deal with ruined credit. Out of nowhere will appear a car to replace the one the A took. Out of nowhere will appear some guy who will help me and make it that I do not feel as lonely. Out of nowhere I am going to find a way to spend thanksgiving which I can stomach rather than dread. Out of nowhere I will find someone to help me with my dogs. Out of nowhere. I know the A appeared to me out of nowhere 7 years ago. He was the answer to my prayer, he wanted soneone to take on his burden and he seduced me into believing he cared, he didn't, he just wanted a warm body to share expenses with and to "use" in order to "use". I should know better than tis fantasy I really should but its there right behind every bit of despair I have about what I am going to do. How do I go home at night when I live with truly despicable people who care about nothing but themselves and a landlord who could care less. How do I walk my dogs and wonder what I am going to do tomorrow.
How do I do this withotu the fantasy to sustain me. Obviously with a HP in mind. I know my HP has a sense of humor I suddenly have a woman who is exactly like my mother in my life out of nowhere. I hated my mother, I loathed her, she was my number one perpetrator. She was incredibly abusive to me. She was also a pathetic ill woman as this woman who lives in my house is. My mother was also never ever motivated to look at her issues, never. This woman in my house is exaclty like that. I really want to climb the walls, scream and run off into the sunset with the first man who looks at me but I can't. I know where that will take me and I know I simply can't go there anymore. At the same time I really do not want to do this hard back breaking work of recovery and taking care o fme when I am almost destitute. Maresie.
Maresie, I am very new to al anon, so I am not the best person to share my thoughts and/or experiences with you. However, I feel your pain when I read your post so I was compelled to reply. Please know that you are not alone in this world.You are a very special and worthwhile person.
(((maresie))) When I was a child growing up in an impoverished home, I wanted a nice, warm, clean life like the kids at school had. At the same time, I didn't want to change aspects of my life that clearly defined who I was; a person that I sorta liked. I also believed that I was "doing time" and that later it would be my time to find comfort, peace and happiness. I find that I still harbor a piece of that mentality. Right now we're doing time, putting in the hours. It gets better.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I don't think you have to give up the fantasy, you just can't rely on it. After I watched that movie the secret I was thinking about how I always think about guys as all the good ones are taken and I'm never going to find one that is suitable here (redneckville) and then I realized maybe I'm bringing that on myself so now I think I know he's out there somewhere, he'll find me but I get on with the business of living life. I think fantasies are ok as long as you don't get caught up in them and continue to live your life.
