The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The holidays are a tough time for me. From day one on the holidays the A never did take me into consideraiton. Back in the day when we had money I once arranged a wonderful vacation for us. I have made all kinds of excuses but basically he allowed his addiction to ruin the holiday. I had my own issues around my needs of course. I was still trying (and I tried and tried and tried and tried till I bled) Now I don't try I simply acknowledge he is not someone who meets my needs on any level. I remonstrated about that holiday for years. He never heard me. His blind zeal for drugs took over everything. There were incredible signs for me for months and months that he was off on some binge using. I did not like my alternative of having to live a marginal life (as I do now) I wanted my own apartment. I wnated some place I coudl have my pets. I had a strong feeling he would neglect my pets if I left them (I was absolutely spot on with that one!). I had no where to go. I had no resources (I developed none). I stayed stuck in these are my needs they are not being met by him for years...
Nowadays I have needs and they are still very very very very much not being met. I am willing though to try to brainstorm how on earth am I going to meet them. I've stopped looking to someone who is completely incapable to be there for me.
More and more I'm getting aware who and who can't be there for me.
I've lived out this script my entire life. At the same time here we are another holiday and I have very few resources. I am working on what my options are. I like none of them much like I did not like the option of leaving the A and moving to extremely marginal circumstances. I can't just pull this one out of the hat. For me some of the biggest obstacle is to stop trying with totally unavailable people and to stop giving to people who give me nothing but grief.
One of the things I have learned in my 2 years in alanon ... is that of all the people I turned to that couldn't give me what I needed (not my parents, not my husband and not my friends)... the hardest thing I've learned is that I often "abandon" myself and don't provide myself with the most basic of things (like being self-loving or just going to the doctor etc)
It is a tough lesson. I still want to look to others to fill my needs. However, I now know that it is up to me. I so *hate* being grown up sometimes.
As for the holidays - I really struggle with them too. I don't really associate with my family (they are too sick and a couple of them are truly harmful to associate with). My husband and I just moved to another state and we don't really know anybody out here.... we'll be spending Thanksgiving alone - which sort of makes me sad. Though, I am grateful that we have each other (and that he is a recovering A for 13years on Dec 9th)...
Still.... the holidays are very difficult when the media tells us every other minute that we should all be having these wonderfully magical ~ happy happy holidays with our fantabulous families! ugh.
Be gentle with you and know that you are not alone :)
