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my (sober) A is throwing a fit tonight, not directing it at me but he broke a glass bowl, called someone and swore them out at 10:30pm, then kicked the phone across the room. before that, he'd gone out way before dinner, stayed out til 10, didn't tell me when he'd be back, i was worried he'd run out of gas or something. now he's in his cave, i know better than to try to talk to him when he's like this. but he said somethings to me i just do NOT understand! (there's still a lot about alcoholism and addiction i don't understand)
he keeps saying over and over for weeks now, "i feel empty." he has a therapist, he goes to meetings, and says he writes a lot. when he tells me his feelings, i hold his hand or give him a hug, tell him i love him, and tell him i have faith in him. i pray, for him and our family. i "check in" with him, ask how he is, if i can do anything for him. he always says he's ok, and i can't do anything. then tonight he said he felt empty again (when he came home late), i was frustrated and said "you know i can't fill you, right?" he said he knows. but he keeps repeating how empty he is.
i asked when his next appt. with his therapist is (next week). i asked if he needed anything, i'm supposed to work tonight. he said that i "should know what to do." what am i supposed to know?? now i'm losing work time cleaning up the broken glass he left and crying because i feel so damn confused. :(
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
I can only guess at what being empty might be. But I think it is the void that not drinking has left. Alcohol/drugs can feel like an old friend and they don't know quite how to fill it.
p.s. Acting out and breaking things is not for you to fix. Maybe if you had left the mess for him to clean up he may have considered how he acted and what he had done. You cleaning up the result of his trantrum really doesn't give him a chance to see himself. I would suggest leaving the mess with him where it belongs. It really isn't yours to deal with.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I will share with you what it felt like for me to feel "empty" - I write poetry and the line that comes to mind when I was feeling this way was....
"There is a void within me ... it is big and black and empty."
At that time of my life I was extremely depressed and scared. I told my husband and he (like you) tried all he could to fill it up for me. He was also confused - he would ask me "why are you so sad? You have me and a house and a cat" and I knew he was right - that I had everything I needed to be happy. He was a good husband.
Trouble was, I still felt "empty" and really - I didn't know it at the time - but really there was NOTHING he could do about it. I had all the money in the world - shopped all of the time and was never wanting for anything - I did everything I could to "FILL UP" that scary void that dwelled in my very core - and yet - it would not fill.
My therapist suggested medicaiton for anxiety and depression so I started on xanax - it helped some. But - the only thing that has truly helped me fill that void was to be honest with myself out my life and about who I was and what I wanted. Slowly - that void is being filled - not by a person or any "things" but by faith ~ Alanon has helped me to do this ~ It is not completely filled and I still struggle with depression (it is hereditary, everyone in my family struggles with this) - but I am in a better place than I have been in many many years.
Do you attend alanon face to face? If not, try six meetings (beginners meetings if possible) .... Take care of you hon! (((hugs))))
Good for you for telling him you can't fill that void. He will only find a way to fill it when he stops looking outsdie, and starts looking inside....
And, yeah, I wouldn't clean up his mess. Unless you have animals or small kids who might cut their feet, it can sit there until his is thoroughly ashamed of himself and does it himself.
