The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I haven't been here in a couple of weeks and so much has happened since then. LOT and LOTS of drama -- I won't bore you with it, lol.
Anyhow, I do want to share with you that I was able to keep moving forward. I kept doing that next right thing. I put myself and the needs of the kids first. No matter what my A did, not the guilt or the anger or his rages stopped me. I used that spine that was loaned to me So my A went of the deep end several times, because I just wouldn't play the game -- or act the way he wanted me to. I won't lie, it was frightening. But I got a call last night
It was my A. Several months back I told my A I would only say this once and I would never say it again. That if he ever needed help finding a place to get sober I would help him. At the time his response was "I have to want it." Which made me laugh cause I knew that. Last night he called and started with "I want to get together and talk." Which is where my eyes rolled and he heard my UGH! Only what happened next blew me away. He asked for help. He said he knew that something was wrong with him (though he's still not sure its the alcohol) that it is something in his head. He was so upset, I've never seen this before. He says even when he's not drinking the crap in his head is still there. He feels crazy.
I have been blessed to have several friends in recovery who have shared their experiences getting sober -- most of them have talked about their demons. I have no doubt that it is hell to go thru and My A is there. He's at that door --shoot, I'd like to push him thru it so he'd actually get sober, but I can't.
So I listened to him, and I told him he couldn't do it for me or for the kids he had to do it for himself. I talked to him about a power greater than himself and that I had no boubt that if he were to ask, God would give him what he needed -- but it may not be what he wanted. I shared with him about the "curse of awareness" which seems to be where he's at right now and sinking fast into guilt. Then I told him that his choices brought him to where he was and that I was not going to feel sorry for him. And as far as us, I was on my path and right now there was no way I could join him on his. He has a long way to go but who knew if we'd meet up the road and be in a place where it could work.
It was the weirdest conversation, he wasn't drunk either. When I got off the phone I didn't feel super happy or sad, I was the same as I've been for the last few weeks. My sponsor told me once when I was hurting so bad that if I were truly detatched that it wouldn't hurt as much. Maybe that's where I'm at today, detatched. All I know is that I can't go back to what was, and I can't accept the way it's been. My only choice is to move forward -- that's for me. I hope he gets it together because he really could be "a great guy." And maybe I could love him again...who knows.
All of you who are new, please keep coming back. There is someone who has been there where you are and you don't ever have to feel alone. This program can help you wallk thru hell -- I know and still come out whole on the other side.
WOW!!!! Good for you. You seem to have handled things so well. I am glad that you didn't get upset about it all and that you were able to communicate with him openly and honestly. Keep it up!!
I used to have trouble identifying the feeling of where I think you are and finally came to know it as my "truth". I had been around the same mountain a gazillion times, went through the insanity, the broken promises, the testing of my Alanon tools, what workeed, what didn't. Finally I came to a place of "what is". It's not a happy or sad place. It is a place of knowing. Knowing what we have to do to move forward.... on one hand feels good, we have a solid plan and program. On the other hand, knowing what we have to do to keep moving forward sometimes is very difficult. It still feels soooo much better that we know what the hell we are doing for once :) instead of flipping and flailing like a fish out of water.
Keep holding on to your truth, Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
((((Luna)))))) I appreciate your share. I was in one of those conversations once, and yes it was really really different from the past. May hp lead you both onward. mspw
Great post~! You sound great like you are doing your thing and letting him figure out his. I'm glad this program is working so well for you! It's nice when the pain goes away and detachment kicks in. I'm glad you were strong and are continuing on your path!
I do understand some of what you sponsor said about hurting so much you have to detach. The A cannot hurt me anymore because he practically destroyed me. He'll make his little jokes now and appeal for sympathy but it gets nowhere. I don't play into it. I used to be so reactive. Now i try each day to do the best for me and my dogs and cats. Thats all I can do. I used to nearly kill myself each day for him or in reaction to him and I endedu p a total nervous wreck.
So my A went of the deep end several times, because I just wouldn't play the game -- or act the way he wanted me to. I won't lie, it was frightening. But I got a call last night 
