The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my AH just went awol. i definitely don't have these alanon principles down. i'm totally worried, i can't stand feeling out of control like this. i'm waiting by the phone and jumping every time i hear someone in the apartment hallway. i should be used to this by now but i am not. he vacillates between denial and admitting that he has a problem; i vacillate between thinking he can change and fearing separation. and i do blame myself, because for the first two years of our four year marriage i treated him like garbage. i'm having nightmares about finding him totally strung out on drugs. right now he's only partially strung out and i don't know where he is. at least he left me a message last night telling me that he was staying at his mom's (she's out of town), but that the ringer was off. i called anyway and stayed up all night. it's our anniversary in one week, we were talking about having a baby one week ago. now he's saying that he can't live with me, and it seems more like he can't live without his addictions. i am literally dizzy with confusion. i have gathered that i am supposed to stop focusing on what he's doing and worry about myself, but i find this impossible. i really don't know where to begin. thanks for reading.
Do you have any al-anon literature laying around the house? It might do some good to start reading some. I was never good at the not worrying part, but if you start reading it takes your mind off of him or where he is or might be for a little while. Have you heard of the book Getting Them Sober? It is a very good book, it could also be very useful to you.
I was very lucky my ah never took off for days. Now he stayed gone long hours but he always ended up coming home. I think somewhere in his sick little head he knew if he were to take off like that I probably wouldn't let him back in. I don't think I could have handled the come and go!! (I don't know for sure, but I don't think I'm that strong!)
I don't really have much ESH on this, all I can say is just try a minute at a time to think of something else. Stay busy--does something need a good cleaning? Read, watch a favorite movie, go for a walk if possible. Remember you really didn't cause him to become an addict/alcoholic!!! Whether you treated him nicely or not he was/is in charge of himself not you. It is hard to not think there is something we can or could have done differently to make things better, but the truth is we are not in control of anything but ourselves--and then not so much of that either right now--in our sick little worlds. Just take it a step at a time. Keep coming here and venting and talking and sharing. Get to some f2f meetings if possible.
i can relate the A did this often to me. I was often sick with worry. In fact one of the first nights I came here he took off for an all night whatever. Detachment takes time, it takes a lot of work (at least it did for me) to learn detachment. I kept practising it and practising it and practising it. Then it started coming. I made a plan b that helped. I put out all the issues with my plan b. I started looking at my side of the street. I think its been a long hard haul but lately in the interactions I had with the A I stopped taking all the responasibility for the A's behavior.
We all have our issues in relationships. Just because you behaved bably in the beginning doesn't give him the right to go off now and abandon you and your relationship.
I let the A abandon me so many times. I put up with it, blamed myself for it, raged about it, grieved it, over reacted to it. After a few years in here I began to take care of myself around it.
hi que sera, one thing that helps me detatch is something my sponser said. she said, imagine there was no madness in your life and ask yourself 'what would i be doing today'? then if the answer is tidying the yard.....tidy the yard. it sound silly but the task soaks up my energy that would otherwise be available for worrying and at the end of the day i've got a tidy yard! i find these little details are a big part of recovery because they gently replace destructive old habits with constructive new ones. florrie
I remember being where you are at right now. The responses you've gotten are all good. We all had to start somewhere and we didn't just "get it" and have the principles down pat from the word Al-Anon Family Groups. We grow into recovery and we have to start from somewhere. There are many starting points and one of my reactions to your condition using your acknowledgement is that "you sure don't have the principles..." I am presently into one of our publications, (practice these principles) "...in all our affairs" making crises work for you. I don't know if it is still in print. I don't know that as an old-timer in this program this literature is currently very useful for me to keep my awareness of how cunning, powerful and baffling this disease is.
If you cannot find a copy of this Conference Approved Literature, "...In All Our Affairs. Making Crises Work for You", private post me your mailing address. I will send you my copy.
Pick a suggestion that has been given here, any one and try it out just for now. It will at the very least be different than what you normally do that doesn't work. If that doesn't work try another suggestion and other until one works better.
Welcome to the MIP family. I remember those panicked feelings so well. The A was taking all of my time and energy and I didn't even realize it. I strongly urge you find some local face to face meetings in your area. You will realize that you are not alone in this journey of recovery. You will learn lots of good tools to handle any crisis.
Let me make something perfectly: YOU DIDN'T CAUSE IT. YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT. YOU CAN'T CURE IT. None of this is your fault. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. Nothing you can do about it. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life. Your recovery is absolutely possible. I know this seems overwhelming, but all will become clear. You will find your way.
Please keep coming back to us. Never give up hope. Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
wow thank you so much for all of your responses, i really can't express how much i appreciate them! sorry that i can't respond to everyone individually ...
i don't think that f2f is an option for me right now, i've been almost agoraphobic lately and trips to the grocery store are about all i can muster. i don't have any alanon reading materials here at home, i am looking for stuff online (if anyone has any links that would be great).
i do have one question that i'd like to put out there though ... so much of what i read makes sense to me, all the principles of being responsible for yourself, detatching, taking baby steps, etc. and i really want to work toward that. the real stumbling block for me at this moment is step #2 ... i am not an athiest, but i am not at all religious, so this one kind of confuses me. i see the concept of a higher power as so vast and debatable, and i have trouble understanding the real importance of this step. if anyone can offer some insight about this issue, that would be really helpful.
thank you SO MUCH again for all of your very kind words. i really really appreciate it.
You know what - don't worry about that one. The important part is not knowing just who/what is the higher power - the important part is knowing that it is not you. Your own best thinking has gotten you to where you are - time to try something else.
If you absolutely must give a name to your Higher Power, and don't feel comfortable calling it God, then you can use the program as a higher power. Personally, I use what could be called The Universe, or Science, or How Things Really Are - it works for me.
Welcome Sara, I hope you can come to think of this site as your home until you can make it to face to face meetings. However long that takes to get there is OK. You asked for a link to the literature. Below this screen is a link to the Niracles in Progress 12 Step Recovery Book Store. Keep coming back. Jill
