A's drinking buddies won't leave - Al-Anon Family Group

Baffled · Member

A's drinking buddies won't leave

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Baffled, YES I had this happen to me. It was awful and my heart goes out to you. It's plain old disrespect on the part of your AH, I'm sure you've made yourself clear! I know I did, but that didn't matter a bit to my own exA. I made it clear over and over again.

That they are harassing YOU for setting a limit is upping the ante way too high.

What I had to do to get them out was a little out of character, but I was so upset by it that I very unpleasantly reacted a few times and "visits" diminished.

I am angry for you, I can only imagine what they're saying to you. It was one of the "things" that really broke me down and helped destroy our relationship. My heart goes out to you . . . it hasn't been all that long ago I was living that too :)

Kim

annmarie · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Baffled))),

I put up with a lot of rubbish, some of it like you describe. In the end I had enough and I left. It was a rented place, so it was easier. I know I was fortunate to be able to do it. It still took me ages.

All this taunting of you is unfair. You are entitled to peace in your own home.

For me, I had to take steps to change things for myself. They certainly wern't bothered. If anything I think my reactions simply provided entertainment for them.
The A is going to do whatever he is going to do, no matter what you say or do. You have no control over that.

You have a responsibility to look after yourself. That includes your peace of mind and happiness. I pray that you find the strength to do whatever is right for you.
AM

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I put up with this for years. If they go out, bolt the door. That was one strategy I bought into. They will no doubt at some point go out to get more supplieds, bolt the doors and shut everything down.

I think this was one of the core issues that totally destroyed my relationship with the A. He wanted all these people around night and day. I didn't. For me it was a source of total resentment and rage. I raged on and on about it. In fact last week when my dog was missing I bought it up again.

For me now when I look at those times I wish I had seen it as a red flag that my boundaries were gong. Instead I kept resenting and raging at the A. His friends treated me like dirt. They wanted a place to crash.

I actually left the A after he bought two people into our home and moved them in. That was a huge turning point for me. I'd had enough. It took me years to get there.

I can't "tell you" what to do but one thing I'd like to say is that this is a red flag. You need to look at your boundaries and work on how you can keep them. For some of us that's impossible around an A.

Maresie.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Baffled!

Yes! I did a couple of things that worked. What worked best was (after confering with sponsor, home meeting and others and checking out my needs, motives and value system) letting go of whatever they thought of me and taking the risk that God forbid one of them or more might not like me anymore; I asserted myself, set a dead line and was ready to follow thru if it wasn't agreed to (what had to be agreed to? no more drinking, drugging and drinking drugging behaviors that were trampling on my peace of mind and serenity and those of the people around me). They know/knew that I had made a change and they knew that they could participate.

It's risky. It takes courage (there is lots about this subject in our literature). It takes prayers and request for moral, emotional and mental support. It takes a lot of stuff that I didn't use when I was enabling (there's that word again) it to continue and get worse. I had to change and when I did things changed!
How amazingly simple.

(((((Hugs)))))

Baffled · Member

Thank you all for your replies. When I re-read my post I realized how much I could be antagonizing people without realizing it. Enabling is sure part of the picture. Setting limits and boundaries is really part of the solution, because as we all know people are going to do whatever they want.

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not sure what you mean by "antagonizing people" yourself??? They are antagonizing YOU, they are in the wrong, pretty much whatever you do or have done to stop this is not antagonizing them, who cares what they think, it's YOUR house!

This is what I wish I had done . . . this group here was smoking pot and probably doing other illegal stuff. I wish I had gone quietly into another room and just called the cops and THAT would have been a limit setting session they never forgot.

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